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Is it possible to change one’s way of loving or to change for love?

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New Year New Life. So many promises and so many lies. Also and above all in love.

«From the new year I don’t fall for it anymore: no more wrong or right men (or women) at the wrong time. I will have my heart open to the new, ears to hear and eyes to see ».

“From the new year I will never be duped by a narcissist, a manipulator, a snake charmer.”

“From the new year on, I will stay away from fragile, affective addiction, unstable, unreliable women”.

«I will never let myself be changed, transformed, twisted for love and then lost completely; I will remain myself, always ».

«From next year I will no longer be satisfied with crumbs: no more bed friends, (we could put the video, if you like) part-time loves with an expiration date, sex without love, love without sex, lovers. I want more!”

I have extrapolated a few words made promises for the coming year of some of my patients. But is it really that simple to change the course of love events? Change for love? Get changed? Is it enough to take stock of sentimental misfortunes to never experience them anymore?

Bed friends, a compromise between heart and body with pleasures and risks


Change for love: right or wrong?
When we talk about the changes that occur in the name of love, right or wrong, we must make an important distinction between two kinds of change, each of which hides different motivations and needs of the heart.

The first change, very frequent in love, is characterized by the burning and uncontrollable need to change according to the beloved; need that characterizes the amorous modus operandi of some insecure people, with a fragile self-esteem, who fear of feeling inadequate, wrong and therefore of running the risk of losing their partner.

This attitude leads the more fragile partner to lose himself in the bond, to adapt to the will and lifestyles of the more dominant or simply more resolved partner. It tends to reset itself, to submit, to upset its very existence (and essence) in order to be accepted and loved by the partner.

The second type of change, absolutely healthy and desirable, is the adaptation to the dimension of us without losing the ego, which occurs when a love is born and is a candidate to become a long-lived bond.

How to make a long-lived love, how to keep your relationship alive as a couple

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And then we have real estate: those who are unable to change, despite suffering. Immobility characterizes wrong love choices, which do not miraculously become healthy by themselves, and which are repeated unchanged over time and in ties. Some people, under the hegemony of the compulsion to repeat – that powerful psychic mechanism that forces one to always do the same things, the same choices, even if they are wrong and painful – always choose the wrong, toxic, unhealthy loves. They are unable to change their love trajectory, to choose healthy loves, to love each other a little more and try to be happy.

We love how we have been loved or not loved
Everything starts from there: from the lands of childhood. From that love imprint that we have or have not received as a dowry as children. We love how we have been loved or unloved. A child (or girl) who has become an adult who has not been loved enough, who has not been hugged, caressed, kissed will be an adult who will tend to repeat the same emotional script. Who will look for a partner and will be satisfied with the crumbs, who will not verbalize the emotions associated with the love bond because he is not used to it, and who will have considerable difficulty in loving in a different, unprecedented way.

A child who grows up hungry for love, between the meshes of emotional dependence, will be an adult who will tend to change his way of loving according to the partner, in order to be loved.

It will be a partner who will seek a partner-crutch and that the bond will live without zones of autonomy, in a perennial solid red, in need of everything.

Me or us? Me and us
In that dance that leads two people to become a couple, there are various phases and as many posthumous adjustments. In an early phase of the love bond, partners tend to eliminate any distance, to feed on each other, to always be together and to share almost everything. Slowly, slowly, if the relationship evolves and does not involve, there will then be physiological adjustment phases, where one positions itself at the right distance from the other’s world, without trying to besiege it, drain it, distort it or change it according to the own needs or fears.

In building a couple it is of fundamental importance to recognize an I, a you and a we: three wonderful instances that form a couple relationship. A resolved partner will bring serenity and joy into the bond, without needing to trip the spouse, to keep him tied to himself for fear of losing him, of being betrayed or abandoned. A resolved partner, previously loved or one who has worked on his frailties by turning them into resources, will not be seduced by a manipulator or a narcissist, he will not need to change his partner or dominate him, but simply to love him for what he is and not. for what they would like it to be.

A resolved partner will be able to welcome the other as an individual different from himself and will be able to build a new entity and identity, in which both the protagonists of that love can inhabit the bond with spontaneity, freedom and respect.

Marco, always looking for a woman like his mother
Marco (real name) consults me because he can’t find love. He would like so much to find a woman suitable for him, who understands him and makes him feel loved. She would like to get married and have children. Marco is an established professional, he carries out a prestigious job that satisfies and tires him a lot. His cognitive and working life has never had any stumbling or slowing down, but his heart has always followed rough, painful and impossible paths.

Marco is the only child of a manipulative and narcissistic mother who has always ruled his life. He chose with him and for him his university career, the master to carry out after graduation, which internships to do, where and with whom. The mother was an unhappily married woman who, in order to survive her own unhappiness, invested in the bond with her son, transforming him into a son-partner, a sort of amorous surrogate.

Manipulative mothers and the effects of toxic love on children

breaking latest news *


Every girlfriend that Marco brought into the house over the years was dissected and torn to pieces. Every woman was never right: too tall, too short or overweight, too cultured or not very educated, too exuberant or excessively shy, a good girl but of humble origins, and so on for all. And Marco, under his maternal hegemony, systematically left them. He always repeated the same script: he became cold, confused, emotionally intermittent, he began to develop problems of sexual desire and erection, and each time he left them without any explanation.

Performance anxiety and erectile deficit: the risk of confusing cause and effect


Marco, completely unconsciously, was looking for a woman identical to his mother, who resembled her and who could please her mother. He had tried to manipulate the most fragile girlfriends on a psychic level: he wanted them to dress like his mother, to speak perfect Italian, to be cultured, but in the end his relationships were sadly wrecked, and he was left more and more alone and with his heart in the dark. The last girlfriend left him telling him that he should be treated, that she would never become a bad copy of her mother and that it would not be right to change for love. These words, so succinct and clear, were a cold shower for Marco that led him directly into consultation.

Positive change is healthy change
Building a bridge from dark to light, from the old amorosi modus operandi to the new, healthier and more fertile one, is not exactly easy and does not happen spontaneously, suddenly. Partners should be aware of experiencing discomfort and discomfort, understand how to analyze it, and in cases where they cannot cope on their own, seek specialist help. The only way to enter the lands of love from the right door.

* breaking latest news is a psychologist, specialist in clinical sexology, in Catania and Milan (www.valeriarandone.it) and author of the book “The repairer of hearts – The words that repair”

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Read all the articles in the “LOVE IS NOT JUST LOVE” (click here)

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