[Xinxiang and elegant sentence]Three important relationships in marriage | Ban Zhao female commandment | husband and wife relationship | traditional culture

Faced with all kinds of noise and troubles in modern society, Yalan and you will explore the way of physical and mental peace in traditional Chinese culture. The content of the Anhe series will be divided into three seasons: the first season “The Harmony of Man and Nature” (from Episode 1 “The Great Beauty of Heaven and Earth Without Words” to Episode 14 “Chinese Garden”), the second season “Man and Human” The Sum” (from episode 15, “Life is Short, Choose Simple” to present), the third season of “The Harmony of People and Hearts”.

Welcome back to Xinxiang Yaju. I am Yalan. Last time we talked about entering marriage and the cultivation of a woman’s temperament. When a woman enters a marriage, she has to face many relationships with others, such as her husband, mother-in-law, her husband’s brothers and sisters, etc. In fact, this is a test of a woman’s wisdom, because if these relationships are handled well, the family will be more harmonious If not handled properly, it will also bring a lot of physical and mental harm. So how should we face it? What wisdom does Ban Zhao leave us in these aspects? Let’s see what it says in “The Female Commandments”.

First, when a woman enters a marriage, she must first face the relationship with her husband. The second chapter of the “Women’s Commandments”, “The Husband and Wife,” says: “The way of husband and wife is to participate in the yin and yang, to understand the gods, to believe in the great justice of heaven and earth, and the relationship between human beings. It is also a great festival.” It means that the way of husband and wife refers to the principle of the harmony of yin and yang, and accesses the gods and all things, because everything has yin and yang, and it is the same for men and women. The most basic kind of relationship, “couple” is the most critical in human relations. In Chinese culture, interpersonal relationships are divided into five types, also known as the five relationships. The first among the five relationships is the husband and wife, because after the husband and wife, there are fathers and sons, brothers, friends, and rulers and ministers. Therefore, in the Book of Songs, the first The chapter is “Guan Ju”, which is also about male and female couples.

The premise of getting married is one yin and one yang, one man and one woman, not two men and two women. But now some countries and regions have seen the phenomenon that homosexuals can be legally married, which has also caused many protests. The protesters believe that many religions say that only one man and one woman can form a family, and “legalizing homosexuality” goes against the will of the gods.

As a result, some chaos has also arisen. Many homosexuals in China are under pressure from the world to find heterosexual marriages, which is very harmful to girls. There is a very famous case. In 2012, Luo Hongling, a female teacher in Chengdu, Sichuan, found out that her husband was gay and cheated on marriage and committed suicide by jumping from the thirteenth floor. The incident caused a sensation and was reported by many media. Luo Hongling once posted on the Internet for help saying, “I want to ask how to get along in marriage.” She said that her husband always came home late, and he always went to the gym. Advise her to find out if her husband is gay. At first, she didn’t believe it, until she discovered the content of her husband’s mobile phone dating with other men, until her husband himself admitted: I’m sorry, I lied to you, I lied to you just to cover up myself. Luo Hongling was full of grief and anger. She didn’t expect that the person she believed so deeply and entrusted her whole life with was deceiving from beginning to end. She left her last Weibo: “This world is really tiring, so let it end.” Suicide by jumping off the building.

Luo Hongling is only one of the wives of many homosexuals. This incident has also made people discover that many gay men are seeking marriages of the opposite sex to cover up their identities. The wives of gay men are called “same wives”. According to a 2015 data survey, there are 16 million “same wives” in the country. These wives live in families without love and warmth every day, and 80% of them are “same wives” All have depression. Therefore, before entering into marriage, girls need to know whether the other party is the person they should choose. Some media have also listed some questions to ask before marriage, including:

1. Do you know the real situation of the other party, including the other party’s sexual orientation, whether there is a tendency to domestic violence, etc.
2. Have you explained the illness history of both parties in detail, including physical illness and mental illness?
3. Do both parents agree, and if either parent has an opinion, how can their doubts be remedied?
4. Financial management after marriage, whether both parties agree on the financial management method of the family after marriage.
5. Do you have children after marriage? If so, is there a corresponding plan, including the child’s educational model, etc.
6. What is the most intolerable thing in a marriage, and what to do if these situations occur.

If these questions are answered before marriage, many post-marriage risks can be reduced. However, many people only realize the gap between ideal and reality after they get married, so they have various dissatisfaction with marriage, such as being trapped in the siege of marriage, unable to get out, and unable to solve it. Many problems in marriage will be reflected in the society, and the impact is quite wide. So when you complain about disappointment in your marriage, how should your mind settle down?

There is a word about marriage in Chinese culture called “Fate”, which believes that everything is derived from fate, and the fate between husband and wife is arranged by God. From the day we were born, it was predestined by God who our parents and brothers were. As for our friends, classmates, and colleagues, they flowed around like revolving lanterns. This is also fate. Our hard work can’t catch it. Most of the relationship between husband and wife is accumulated in previous lives, or you are kind to him, or he is kind to you, and you will not come to repay or collect debts in this life, that’s all. The so-called: good karma, bad karma, no karma, no karma, no karma. Some people say that after looking back 500 times in the past life, only one pass in this life can be exchanged. This is an ordinary fate. After thousands of years of cultivation, we can sleep together.” Those who can become husband and wife in this life have a deep predestined relationship. Therefore, it is not easy for husband and wife to enter into marriage.

Since there is no way to escape fate, we can only cherish fate and think about how to face and resolve each other’s problems. Some people say that intimacy is also a kind of practice, because many times we behave well in front of outsiders, but in front of people who get along with each other every day, many shortcomings are often exposed. And the closer you get, the more conflicts there will be. Because even if the two trees are the same, if the two trees are far apart, all you see is a landscape, if the two trees are very close, you will find that their roots are intertwined and intertwined. Intertwined, in order to obtain more water and nutrients, and living space, they are entangled with each other in the invisible soil. Just like husband and wife, they compete for the right to speak, the right to control property, etc. in the family. So these are all within the husband and wife, how to deal with the relationship between the two people, when a gust of wind blows, the leaves of the two trees interlace and influence each other, just like a husband and wife, in front of outsiders, the two of you are no longer alone. Individuals are already tied together, one is prosperous, and one is lost. If one person is affected, it will also affect another person, and even the entire family.

Therefore, if you want to achieve mutual respect, love and respect between husband and wife, it actually takes a lot of effort to manage. How to understand yourself, how to understand each other, and how to improve your ability to love and your ability to love others in this relationship. Therefore, many people say that the intimate relationship in marriage is really a good practice. But now many girls are only children, and their parents at home regard her as the jewel in their palms, but in marriage, a family needs a woman to support her, and her mentality has changed at this time. “Women’s Commandments” says: “If a husband is not virtuous, he will not be able to serve his wife, and if a woman is not virtuous, he will not be able to serve his husband.” This means that if a husband is not virtuous and cannot lead a woman spiritually, it will be difficult to get a wife. If the wife is not virtuous, for example, in today’s society, a woman only knows how to put on makeup every day and wear beautiful clothes to go out shopping, but she doesn’t want to cook, and she doesn’t care about the house. When the road of life is very low, if you don’t care or care, then in this state, you will not be able to assist your husband, and you will lose your morality as a wife.

The second aspect is that when a woman enters a marriage, she needs to face the relationship with her mother-in-law. In addition to her husband, the other important thing in a marriage relationship is her mother-in-law. Many unhappy marriages come from discord between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The sixth chapter of “The Female Commandments”, “Qu Cong” says: “Although my husband is fond of love, my uncle and aunt are unfaithful. This is the so-called self-defeating person with righteousness. But what is the heart of my uncle? Although the husband and wife are in love, but if the in-laws do not approve, then the family will not be able to achieve real harmony. How to get the sincere love of the in-laws? It is necessary to achieve “conformity”. It means to be reasonable to your husband, and to be clear about right and wrong, but don’t argue too much about right and wrong with your in-laws. You may disagree with one thing, but don’t argue too much and be more tolerant. After all, they are getting older and many ideas have been formed. Years have long been ingrained, do not change them.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been the core of family harmony for thousands of years. After daughter-in-law enters the door, who should listen to family sovereignty often causes many disputes. There is a link in ancient weddings. After the daughter-in-law enters the door, the mother-in-law will hand over the management of the family to the daughter-in-law. From then on, the daughter-in-law becomes the mistress of the family and manages everything in the family, but the daughter-in-law will also respect the mother-in-law very much. There is no such ceremonial boundary in a modern family. If you live with your parents-in-law, and if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not give in to each other, many family conflicts often arise from this. When my daughter-in-law comes in, she has to manage the housework, but the mother-in-law has been in charge of the house for decades, and now she has to obey others, and she is inevitably disappointed. If you know the mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law should thank her for her hard work for many years, and ask her for more advice in life, so that she can feel needed, etc., which is conducive to family harmony.

The third aspect is the relationship with the brothers and sisters of the husband’s family. In addition to the husband and mother-in-law, another important relationship in the family is the husband’s brothers and sisters, and it is also very important to get along well with them. In “The Commandments of Women”, it is said: “Husbands and sisters are respected by physical enemies, gracious and righteous. If Shuyuan is humble and obedient, they can follow righteousness and be kind, and respect kindness and support.” It means husband. My elder brother, sister-in-law, my husband’s younger siblings, although these people are not related to me by blood, but they are all a family with deep kinship and affection, so they are also relatives who need to be respected and loved. Family members live in harmony.

The above is the second part of Ban Zhao’s “Women’s Commandments” (three articles in total, namely husband and wife, Qu Cong, uncles and sisters), how to get along with the family of the husband’s family. We can see that Ban Zhao worked hard and left this book for future generations with his talent and learning, hoping to leave wisdom for women in marriage and family. After all, the core of a family is women. Well, only when the family settles down can the society be stable. What else is there about Chinese culture, we will share with you next time.

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Responsible editor: Lin Fangyu#