TWO small lines on the test. The first is there after a few seconds, the second never appears. Many attempts and pregnancy becomes more and more a chimera. Martina is so disheartened that she can’t even talk about it with her husband. Roberta is convinced that if she does not get pregnant it is her fault. She feels sad, inadequate. Franca does nothing but study on the internet the places where she can try Pma (Medically Assisted Procreation). Then there are those like Ada who throw in the towel. He made five attempts. Two succeeded but failed to carry the pregnancy to term. Too many therapies, waiting and moments of stress. In the end, she and her partner Luca decided to leave it alone. Moods that influence the days, life. “The women who, month after month, see that the child does not arrive, feel anxiety, disappointment and sadness grow and, gradually, begin to fear that they will never become mothers. The diagnosis of infertility is experienced as a real shock , since most women never think they can have difficulty conceiving a child, so there are – she explains Beatrice Corsale, psychotherapist, member of theEuropean association for behavioural and cognitive therapyif a researcher at the Institute of Neurophysiology of the CNR of Pisa who has been studying this topic for years -. many negative feelings towards oneself: from guilt, to anger, to shame. In many cases, their self-esteem is reduced. Often in women diagnosed with infertility, the frustrated desire to have a child becomes central, conditioning and at times compromising all other spheres of life, from the emotional, to the social, to the professional “.
You have just published “Baby Bump Envy”, a guide for women in this situation. But don’t you think it’s a strong title? Envy is a negative feeling …
“Envy is an emotion felt by many women who are unable to have children, naturally along with other moods, such as ambivalence towards pregnant friends. The emotions are multiple and often contradictory, as is the case with mothers. who, while loving their child, at the same time suffer from fatigue and lack of freedom. Such moods can coexist and it is not appropriate to reproach each other for experiencing unpleasant emotions. On the other hand, to get relief, it can be useful to transform the energy that accompanies negative emotions in more serene ways, for example by making some kind and caring gesture towards the one who was initially a source of envy “.
You speak of ‘avoidance’: what is it all about?
“Avoidance is a behavior that is easily implemented when you are uncomfortable in a situation, either out of fear, or because the context reminds you of some unpleasant situation, some broken desire. Women who are unable to have children, for example , often tend to avoid relatives or friends who are expecting a child or who have recently become mothers. But staying away from these situations does not give relief. The scientific literature and clinical experience show that, on the contrary, the more situations are avoided and more create discomfort. Allowing yourself to date a pregnant friend, in fact, not only allows you to derive the pleasure of social interaction, but to be able to receive support from the friend who could open up and make some confidence, sometimes explaining that she had herself having difficulty getting pregnant “.
How to recognize and overcome negative emotions?
“Envy and other unpleasant emotions, including anger, frustration, guilt and sadness, all feelings felt by some women who want a child who is late in coming should be considered normal expressions of pain for a wish that does not come true. . Therefore they should not be demonized or rejected but accepted as part of the experience. On the other hand it is good to remember that it is advisable to “let go” of these moods, without ruminating on the emotions themselves or on any negative thoughts “.
Why do women who fail to have children sometimes feel guilty?
“The non-arrival of a child has often been culturally attributed to a woman’s fault and this mistaken belief has left traces. Even though it is known that infertility is often due to the male factor or to factors of the couple. In addition, today some choices, including motherhood, are postponed to a time when it is hoped to have greater economic, work and couple solidity, but there is no awareness of biological aging that leads to reduced fertility, which makes it difficult to conceive. fully taking into account these aspects when fertility has now been reduced can make you feel guilty “.
Can infertility harm a woman’s sense of identity?
“A woman should see herself as an autonomous, independent and valuable person, regardless of whether she is a mother or not. However, if at some stage in her life she considers the desire to have a child central, and fails to do so, she will feel missing” .
We also know that negative feelings and stress affect infertility. How do you care for your patients?
“The scientific literature suggests that there may be a link between the levels of stress and anxiety experienced by the woman and the possibility of becoming pregnant. Therefore, a mental attitude and a lifestyle oriented towards psychophysical well-being, taking care of oneself, maintaining social contacts, also appreciating the positive aspects of a life still without children. Meditation, for example, already included in some therapeutic protocols, can help to have a more open vision, reducing negative thoughts “.
The anniversary
“One day we will explain to Caterina that she was born from an egg from Spain”
by Elvira Naselli
How much is the couple at risk in these situations?
“It is important that the couple is united and that they try to maintain or regain good communication. It is good for the two partners to try to understand and support each other, bearing in mind that the first reactions are often different: women want emotional support and understanding while men often tend to be active and busy, even at work. These different ways of reacting can give rise to misunderstandings that lead to an emotional trap that makes them feel more and more distant “.
What psychological situation is a woman who decides to resort to heterologous?
“The decision to undergo heterologous fertilization must always be well thought out, and a psychological path is useful so that there is awareness of the psychological implications of this choice. The woman may be uncertain and perplexed to accept the donated egg. Often he is afraid of considering the unborn child as a stranger. In these cases, even before deciding whether to undergo heterologous fertilization, it is important that the woman accepts that she cannot use her own eggs for conception and considers heterologous fertilization as an opportunity to have a baby. When there is adequate awareness, the couple perceives as their own the child conceived thanks to heterologous fertilization. It is superfluous to remember that being a parent is a delicate educational commitment that goes well beyond the stage of conception and birth “.
How to psychologically support women in the path of medically assisted procreation or in the choice to adopt?
“It is necessary to help the woman with infertility to overcome the errors of thought, to remind her of the reasons why she wants to have a child, regardless of whether it is conceived naturally or not, or that it is adopted. And it is good to underline that the role of a good mother is above all to educate and raise a child, teaching him to deal with the world and to overcome even difficult times. When pregnancy arrives, it is useful that the woman does not overload herself with expectations and that she considers that pregnancy and motherhood will be full of facets, of easy and difficult moments and also of conflicting emotions. We must learn to look at ourselves with a benevolent and non-critical and uncompromising eye. I remember a midwife who liked to say that “good mothers have dirty houses”, thus emphasizing what a mother’s priorities were for her. It is good for women to learn to delegate, to get help and to allow themselves a few moments of tiredness or fragility because it is natural that this is the case. A mother is a human being, she is not a super hero who can face any difficulty 24 hours a day. “
Sometimes the path of Pma is very tiring, how can a woman be supported?
“For a woman, the path is demanding on a physical, psychological and social level since her life, during the stimulation period, will be conditioned by the timing of the hormonal procedures and hormonal and ultrasound checks, to the point of markedly altering daily life and quality. of life. Situation that becomes more and more deleterious on a physical and psychological level the longer the stimulation cycles, connected to the outcome of the treatments, are prolonged or repeated “.
What is the line between looking for a child and persistence?
“When the fertilization cycles are repeated without success, the medical staff gives less and less chances of results and, despite this, the woman continues to insist, neglecting other aspects of her life, it is likely that there is a great difficulty in accepting to evaluate scenarios different from that of conceiving a child. When a couple knows from the beginning that they have little chance of having a child with assisted fertilization, it could be useful right away to evaluate the limit beyond which the couple does not continue. preliminary could help the couple to have a more objective view of the situation and what to do in case of repeated failures “.
How to help women who give up after a long unsuccessful journey?
“The choice to stop fertility treatments is not easy and the woman is confronted with a real mourning. It is the pain of the impossibility of procreating and, if she chooses not to take other paths but decides to have a life without children, she lives in mourning for an unborn child, for a broken desire, for a role she never lived. The pain of mourning will lead to moments of rejection, anger, sadness, disbelief and, little by little, acceptance. a woman who chooses to interrupt the cycles of PMA means helping her to restore meaning and value to her life and find a new way to give value to the deep motivations that pushed her to want to become a mother. It is possible to help these women to satisfy those deep desires in alternative and creative ways, to have an objective view of parent-child relationships that are often not simple and that require a large investment of resources, necessarily to be subtracted for years from others the areas “.
When do you decide to move on?
“Women who consider the project of motherhood as one of the many projects of their life can, before others, recover from a very painful situation. These women feel no less pain but, before others, they invest in their affections, mobilize their energies towards everyday life, start new projects and discover in themselves resources and potential that perhaps would not have emerged in the same way if they had become mothers. They channel their energies into the areas they are passionate about and put to good use the added value of their affectivity and educational capacity by training budding professionals and young students “.
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