Shaky weddings in the summer. The absent-mindedly smeared sunscreen on the back portends an emotional detachment. The dilated time that becomes almost immobile during the holidays should be embraced and soothed in a caressing way the couple with its slowness and instead, very often, it becomes a threat.
The reassuring aspect of suspension of work turns intothe horror of the void: the terror of emptiness, the terror of the other, of the unspoken and of the encounter with oneself. Thus, for some shaky couples, the holiday becomes the sacrificial gallows rather than the reward after a year of hard work.
The alibis
Creating an alibi is a very refined art. Those who frequent them and use them permanently know well that in order to weave them and make them credible, even to themselves, they must amiably intertwine their fears with the defense mechanisms of the psyche, and also know that every theatrical excuse hides deep discomforts and furrows of dated unhappiness. .
That unhappiness that magically does not vanish when the suitcase is finished or when the resort is finally conquered. Many couples use alibis in order not to listen to each other and not to listen to their discomforts and also their needs. They complain of not finding the time to make love, the time to caress each other and be hand in hand and eye to eye.
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The decline of desire
Very often in the first consultation they tell me about a decline in the exhausting and mortifying desire for their quality of life, the lack of sexual intercourse, a mutilating boredom, but despite this, when time slows down and the ticking of the clock does not it is more the soundtrack of their life, when they are lying on a lounger with a wonderful view before their eyes and a beautiful restaurant waiting for them for dinner, the sexual desire does not magically return to their lives. They don’t suddenly become kind or happy.
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There is, or shouldn’t be, work-related stress. There is no shopping to do, an elderly parent to take care of, a child to accompany to school and to take back to the football game, the e-mail to answer, the boss to indulge. There is the presumably beloved partner, the intoxicating landscape, the longed-for rest, the body and perhaps residual emotions. On vacation, creating an alibi becomes complex.
The slowness, the fears and the after-effects
Holidays, metaphorical places where time slows down and the mind gives way (or should) give way to the heart and the senses, are a real amplifier of everything. Of happiness and unhappiness. Of desire and loss of desire. There are no more excuses to mystify or deny the needs of the body. Couples on vacation would like to visit new lands of eros – or at least retrace those already known – and when this does not happen, the return from vacation and everyday life becomes the time of the sad balance.
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Paradise destination
Stable partners, single parents, separated, separating, reunited again, with the children of the first and second marriage, and his children who hate their father’s partner and praise their mother and vice versa, and much more. These are dizzying scenarios. August becomes a kind of cornucopia of unspoken wishes. She wants to go to the mountains, he to the sea but the partner suffers the heat and chaos. You want to recover in the intimacy of a couple and you need silence and words, books and couples. He needs friends and chaos.
The parents would like to visit the cities of art, but the children want to go to that noisy and crowded village where last year they had a lot of fun and mother and father got very bored. Who fantastic a vacation digital detox but he can’t do it because his teenage son is camping and writing all the time and the connection becomes a sort of lifesaver to keep anxiety at bay.
Those who, on the other hand, do not like queues, flights, holiday stress and would love a zero kilometer trip but the partner only relaxes overseas, in lands far from their own.
Within the same holiday, trying to put everyone’s needs and desires together, and even those of oneself, is really very complicated. Shaky couples in crisis arrive at the holiday already very tried by that exhausting organization and by that indispensable mediation that tries to satisfy everyone’s wishes. In August there is a real explosion of couples in crisis.
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August is the month when couples break up the most
Many couples, after yet another vacation that did not meet their expectations – I am not referring to the holiday destination, the resort food or other concrete things, but the poor quality of their emotional and sexual life – opt for separation, precisely during the month traditionally dedicated to holidays.
The couple crisis was obviously there also during the winter, but the endless daily commitments had helped to distract the partners from the real conflicts because they were absorbed by work, by the thousand tasks and things to do. When everything becomes silence and even rest, and haste gives way to slowness and the real encounter with oneself and with the other, here the discomforts emerge in all their virulence.
Lovers in the closet or sim
The month of August is a month dedicated to the holiday dimension, between summer flirtations and a few too many glasses, between meteor love and passionate relationships, between music and suggestive sunsets. Remember the playground of sexuality. August has always been a high risk month for betrayal. Holiday month, loves that inflame and restore like summer showers. In reality, it is a month that carries with it the seed of separation. Stable couples and loving couples are the most at risk of separation. August becomes the month of detachment, separations, budgets, lovers who return to their sims (once wardrobes).
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It is a transitory abandonment, but it is still an abandonment, often experienced as a laceration rather than a separation. Lovers are those who usually accompany the beloved from January to July and who are put on hiatus in August.
Scenarios and balances change
Holidays represent an attack on the balance of other couples, those formed by partners who love each other but do not choose each other. From lunch break intercourse to love emails, from perennial and sinful connections to forced and prudent silence.
August is like this: a dispenser of unspoken truths. On one beach we have the official couple in crisis in the sun, and on the other a lover or a mistress with a torn heart, alone or unhappily married. Lovers embody passion and empathy, deep sharing of head and heart, sexual intensity. They inhabit and fertilize the most hidden erotic fantasies, but they will not pack their bags together with those they really love.
In August, the balances and compensation mechanisms change. The couple already in crisis from before the betrayal and before the summer holidays must deal with the dust accumulated under the carpet of a dying marriage. The lover, during the summer holidays, will be silenced and well gagged inside a sim: he will not be able to carry out his task as an emotional pusher and he will not be able to take care of the maintenance of the marriage of others. Furthermore, summer is unforgiving. He acts in silence, exterminating couples in crisis, unstable marriages and long and short term lovers.
The five tips: disconnected and happy
A little healthy disconnection didn’t hurt anyone, especially on vacation. As a privileged listener of couples in crisis, I conclude this post with some simple advice to save couples and save holidays.
1 – Patience, kindness and a few scattered smiles
Spouses very often come on vacation particularly stressed and tired. They are tense, nervous, not very patient and not very empathetic, and the risk of arguing over a trifle is always around the corner.
Putting kindness and patience into practice, well sprinkled with a few more smiles, helps to ease the tension and enjoy the holiday.
2 – Listening
Many wobbly, troubled couples are not inclined to listen. They develop a kind of idiosyncrasy towards the other. They can’t stand each other, they don’t listen to each other, they don’t talk to each other. During the vacation, in an attempt to stem an important crisis, with the aim of postponing uncomfortable discussions and deep clarifications after returning from vacation, it would be advisable for them to practice listening skills.
Listening to yourself and your partner. Give your partner the feeling of being there, even and above all on vacation.
3 – Parole
Words represent a fundamental ingredient of the bond of love. When they are missing or when they fade and warm they become a clear alarm bell to be listened to carefully. During the summer holidays, when time slows down and everything becomes silent, trying to dialogue in an affectionate and profound way with your partner could represent a form of long-life elixir of the love bond: an affective and erotic cut to the bond.
4 – Kisses
Kisses should never go on vacation and should be a part of vacation and everyday life. A couple that kisses again, that pauses inside an embrace, that gets excited in front of a sunset and the other, lips to lips, is a couple that still loves each other. It is a couple who are candidates for longevity. Dusting off the kiss and taking it on vacation could become a real aphrodisiac.
5 – Kindness
It is not known for what mysterious reason, when two partners become a stable and long-lived couple they stop being kind. They feel tacitly empowered to give the worst of themselves. They lose that indispensable intramarital seduction in favor of an extramarital seduction: they become kind and seductive towards strangers, with work colleagues, with friends, with something other than their partner, and they become rude and obvious with the presumably loved partner.
So, in summary, for a vacation to be lived in the name of empathy, love and eroticism, try to put into practice some small strategy, where possible, and postpone the deep problems to return from vacation.
For couples deeply in crisis it would be useful to understand the causes of the discomfort, and also in this case, where possible, try to analyze it and solve it before going on vacation.
breaking latest news is a psychologist, specialist in clinical sexology in Catania and Milan. www.valeriarandone.it