Giuseppe Lavenia, psychologist, psychotherapist, university professor, president of the Di.Te. (Technological addictions, GAP, cyberbullying)
“Ah, yes, my son is precise, he never misses a beat, he never disappoints me. He’s a perfectionist!”. We have heard such phrases, yes. Probably even more than once by parents who are proud of having impeccable children, from all points of view. But there is one thing: a child’s pursuit of perfection could hide a mole and result in adult dissatisfaction. Because perfectionism can be (or become) a problem, sometimes even a serious one.
The troubling signs
But how do we know if our child has a tendency to perfectionism? Much depends on age. But, in all cases, there are signs to watch out for. For example: if something is wrong does he cry in despair? If an activity, such as drawing, does not come as he would like, he begins to try, try again to draw strokes on the sheets, tearing one after the other?
Here, these could be some of the signs not to be underestimated. To which are added the constant fear of failure, intolerance or a marked sensitivity to criticism, the difficulty in making decisions for fear of making mistakes, criticizing other peers or other people around him because they have attitudes to his incorrect opinion, the non-acceptance of an error, the inability to prioritize the tasks to be performed, the low tolerance to frustration in the face of a mistake, the difficulty in completing a job or a task in the set time, because it is never considered sufficiently up to their expectations, and, last but not least, a rather marked self-criticism.
There are different types of perfectionism in children: there are those who set unrealistic standards for other people around them, those who set unrealizable expectations for themselves, and those who tend to believe that it is others who have very high expectations of him or her. These types of perfectionism, if they become chronic, can create psychological distress.
The triggers
But what are the factors that can contribute to the occurrence of these situations? The desire to please adults, to show them that they have a perfect boy or girl in front of them and that they deserve their attention. Beware that, at the moment, they do not feel they have enough.
Another factor could be low self-esteem: in this case they will never feel satisfied with the results achieved, and will tend to want to reach higher and higher goals. None of these, however, will ever be high enough for them.
It could also be the example set by perfectionist parents, or the (unrealistic) expectations that adults have towards children. Or it could be the images they see on the web, on the social networks they frequent: they might think that they are an ideal of perfection that must be achieved in order to be successful in life. Many times, however, the images circulating on the net do not correspond to reality, but the children do not yet know it. He should be explained, or asked why they refer to those models.
How can the shot be corrected? First of all knowing that perfection, as Aristotle said, does not exist. Knowledge is the main tool to stem the possibility that our child becomes a perfectionist, therefore an adult who tends to be dissatisfied.
First we work on their self-esteem, making our child feel loved, even if he makes mistakes. Mistakes are fundamental, because they allow you to learn and grow with greater awareness. Let’s tell them and help them understand what lesson can be learned from each failure. Let’s reduce our over-control: let’s teach them that there are things that are under our control, while others are not. If they continue to be self-critical of them, let’s help them develop self-understanding, if something went wrong it’s not the end of the world, we can forgive ourselves and try again tomorrow with the intent of doing better. Let’s not fill them with high expectations, but reasonable and within their reach. Let’s not judge them by the results, but by the commitment and how they managed a situation.
Finally, we also tell them about our mistakes: we adults make mistakes too, we are not perfect. We are human, and like all humans we can deal with failure.