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Adult Games – Dan Savage

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Adult Games – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I’m a 29-year-old homosexual who has been sober for just under five. During my recovery I had to work hard on myself to learn to accept and love myself after two evangelical narcissistic parents dragged me into conversion therapy as a teenager. Last May, at the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I met a guy who had been sober for nine months at the time. Sobriety for him coincided with coming out. He is 27 years old, and still a lot of things to work out. He left his girlfriend a few months before we met and I’m the first man he’s dating. Initially I was hesitant to join him, given the premises, but then I decided to throw myself. The first two months went very well. The chemistry was great, as was the sex, we went out together, and so on. Then, a month ago, he said to me: “I’m discovering my sexuality and I don’t want to be in a couple”. My first reaction was to take a step back, thinking it was over. Yet nothing has changed. He continued with the spontaneous displays of affection and even threw me a birthday party at his home, buying the decorations. A week later he tells me: “My romantic spark has gone out but I still want to see you, have sex, go out together”. What displaces me is more than anything else the disconnect between words and actions. Should I accept the relationship for what it is and start seeing myself with others? The sex is great, but emotionally – after four months – I feel very involved and I don’t know if I need to get involved even more.

– Behaves Like A Boyfriend But Excludes Romantic Stamp

Telling a person to break free is easy, BLABBERS. Doing so is difficult. Over the years, many people have written to me who struggled to suppress their feelings towards lovers who had behaved badly. People pining for the ex who had fucked her best friend, who had emptied her bank account, and who refused to reply to her messages. I might as well tell you to keep fucking him by correcting sentimental expectations downward, but the odds of you being able to control your feelings – let alone repress them – while he throws your parties and sucks your dick are close to zero. If you keep seeing it, the emotional blows – “I don’t want to be in pairs”, “I lost the spark” – will multiply.

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But then what is wrong with him? If she acts like a boyfriend and fucks like a boyfriend, why doesn’t she want to be?

Maybe he’s still discovering his sexuality – maybe that’s how he tells you – and he’s afraid that defining the relationship, like becoming engaged officially, will end up limiting it. He is in fact a recent refugee from Etheroland, and most Heterolandese don’t understand the idea that a romantic relationship can not be sexually exclusive (except those who read my column and listen to Lovecast!). “Declared” is not synonymous with “updated”.

Or maybe he’s not gay.

You say he recently declared himself, BLABBER, but not what he claimed to be. You also say that sex with him is great, and I believe you. Sometimes a man finds that he likes to have sex with other men and he thinks he can only be gay; he considers enjoying sex with men as damaging to heterosexuality. And indeed he is. But he is not detrimental to bisexuality. In short, if he declared himself gay because what else could he be, if he liked your cock so much, the fact of not feeling sentimental interest in you – and at the same time still feeling romantic interest and / or sexual attraction towards women – could indicate who is a heteroaffective bisexual (Be). They exist, and they can send gay males into confusion; While some Bees want nothing to do with male sexual partners either before or after sex, others are okay with being “friends”. These Bees – Bees willing to see each other, go out together, organize birthdays at their house – not only make gays confused, but sometimes they break our hearts.

Or maybe he knows you might be getting engaged in a non-exclusive way (you may have explained it to him), or maybe he’s gay and doesn’t like you as much as you like him (that happens too, alas). But whatever his problems are, BLABBERS, you – as he explores / sucks / fucks / solves them – must see other people. And if dating him is too painful right now – if seeing him hurts you too much – don’t see him, don’t hang out with him, don’t play sitting on each other’s cock. With you he was sincere and straightforward, BLABBERS, and you must be honest with him as well. Doing boyfriend things with a guy who not only tells you he’s not your boyfriend, but doesn’t even have feelings for you – that gap you perceive between his actions and his words – will make you very miserable if you can’t break free. BLABBERS, and you probably won’t. Tell him that you are not angry, that you do not hate him and that you still like him a lot. Because the problem is that: you like him a lot more than he likes you. As much as you appreciate his company, as much as you appreciate his dick, continuing to see him or fuck us would be like sticking your self-esteem into an emotional chopper.

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PS Congratulations on the sobriety. I would hope your parents apologized at some point, but I guess not, as they are not only evangelicals, but narcissists as well.

I’m a gay city boy. I had threesome sex with two married men and it didn’t go well, to put it mildly. They asked me to leave before any of us even came (that was before the monkeypox outbreak, Dan, that lecture you can skip). Both of them then contacted me separately to apologize and propose a two-person meeting, as long as it remained secret. As they are great bones and I am a great slut, and not having marital ties, I accepted. Then an absurd thing happened: once they got fucked, they both confessed to me that they were unhappy with their marriage, and that they should break up and get divorced, but that for the other the end would be devastating. I feel like I have a magic note in my pocket – the truth – that would allow them to leave an unhappy marriage. Do I tell them both what they told me?

– Sharing Largely Unvarnished Truths

No.

***

Some time ago, in your podcast, you talked about consensual sex between men using the verb “play” rather than “fuck”, which is what it is. When the terms “top” and “bottom” began to circulate [che noi traduciamo come “attivo” e “passivo” ma letteralmente sono più vicini a “su” e “giù”, ndt] they bothered me, partly because of their hierarchical streak – aren’t men who love to get fucked already enough subjected to insults, derision and prejudice? – but also for the infantilization of the terms used to speak of sex between adults. And this irritating gay tendency to childishly embellish the lexicon of our sex lives continues to grow! I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to the podcast Gayish_, but in the unbearable acronym of their news section they talk about “orecchiette” and “boccucce”, other childish endearments! Then I hear you say “play” instead of “fuck”, and write to express my disapproval. We both know that two men who put their bird inside each other look nothing like children “playing” with Legos, dolls or tablets. Defining sexual acts as “play” is a stupid way to make sex between men seem innocent, harmless, and not really sexual. But then why? Why is sex between men a shame, it is dirty and must be kept hidden otherwise the baby Jesus will discover it__? Terms such as “play” express discomfort with our desires, in an attempt to disguise them, desexualize them and infantilize them. Please don’t use it anymore._

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– Polite Lad After Your Earnest Response

Two (or more) gay men can have sex without anyone sticking their dick in anyone else (you know the “no penetration”?). And by saying “play” rather than “fuck”, PLAYER, we undermine penetration from the top of the sexual hierarchy. One of the things I’ve always admired about gay men – one that straight people would have to learn from – is that a lot of different things matter, in sex and as sex, when gays do them. Penetration, oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage, fisting, bdsm with or without penetration, individual masturbation, etc.

And if “playing” may seem a bit childish, well, I think adults should play more, PLAYER, and not just in sex. A little while ago I passed through a park where a large group of university students – not exactly children – were playing quidditich, which is no longer called that now but I’m too lazy to look for the new name. And in the world of bdsm for a long time the verb “to play” has been used to define the complex “scenes” designed and created by adults for each other. “Play”, “scene”, “stage”: when it comes to kink, it is the theatrical language that is used, not that of Lego.

But not all words are good for everyone, PLAYER. Just as I am free to say “play” when talking about sexual acts – which may or may not involve the introduction of birds (or the presence of short), you are free to find it irritating. You are even free to tell the men you play with that you will not put the cock on them if they use a verb other than “fuck”.

PS Wait until you find out what gays under 30 call their asshole nowadays.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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