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Agreements and Disagreements – Dan Savage

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Agreements and Disagreements – Dan Savage

04 January 2023 16:33

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

To sum up a lot: I am a woman coming out of a long and psychologically abusive marriage. I’m in therapy. Among the reasons for the violence: I’m still a virgin, at least as far as penetration is concerned (another long story). If I ever find someone interested in me, how do I tell them that the only things I know about consensual sex are the things I’ve read? The few people I told everything to didn’t believe me at first. A newly met person I can only imagine him running away.

– Various Insecurities Rock Genuinely Inexperienced Newbie

You shouldn’t hesitate to tell someone – especially if you’ve just met and want to have sex with – that you’ve never had penetrative sex. And even if you don’t have to tell that person everything, VIRGIN, you better tell them what you told me. Briefly: that you want to fuck but you have recently ended an abusive marriage and you are getting help from a professional to manage the emotional fallout – so you don’t ask him to be your psychologist – and you are therefore understandably nervous and not a little scared of the idea of ​​the fucks you want to have.

When we say to a person “I’ve never done this thing”, whatever “what” it is, we are communicating that with us they will have to go a little more calmly than with someone more experienced. And this whether it is penetration, threesomes, fisting or – I repeat – whatever “whatever” we are talking about. And if we feel emotionally fragile, letting the other person know that too strong emotions could overwhelm us – and “strong” doesn’t necessarily mean “negative” – shows them that we also take their well-being into consideration, VIRGIN, because in practice we’re saying, “I don’t want you to be blown away if you suddenly can’t handle it.”

And if the person you just met you tell all this to reacts by running away – if your worst fears come true – – you think that person did you a favor. Because if she runs away…she wasn’t the one, she wasn’t who you hoped she would be, and it’s much better to find out before sex, VIRGIN, not during or after. It may be a favor wrapped in shit, VIRGIN, but it’s a favor nonetheless.

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Because the first time you’re going to have penetrative sex, it has to be with someone who feels honored that you chose him, not oppressed, and who understands that he has a responsibility to make you feel safe before, during and after. You are a dono. Being able to have sex with you is a privilege – it is being able to have sex with anyone – and being someone’s first time, whatever first time it is, comes with a special responsibility. If someone doesn’t want that responsibility, VIRGIN, or doesn’t know how to handle it, then he doesn’t deserve you. The wrong ones will run away. The right one will remain.

Francesca Ghermandi

I’m married and it’s… ok. We’re more like two friends raising a child together. There is no sex, but who cares. For a few years, however, I began to have intermittent feelings for a colleague and friend. I don’t know if it’s love, desire or what. I thought confessing my crush to him would help me understand each other more. Hand. I was convinced that he could go two ways. Either he’d tell me he didn’t reciprocate, he’d start avoiding me and I’d move on and get over it, or he’d give me some rope – letting me know he was interested – and I’d talk it over with my husband and we’d deal with it. But nothing has changed. When I confessed the crush to him, he basically replied “but yes, don’t worry” and he didn’t change his attitude. We are still friends, but that’s all. My husband would be available to open up the couple, I think, also because there has already been talk of having a threesome. But I have no interest in doing that if my crush doesn’t want me, because the truth is, I’m not interested in anyone else. And to complicate matters further, my crush has a girlfriend. What the hell am I supposed to do? Am I sitting here wishing it forever? Because I’ve been doing it for about three years already, and yes would be made a certain.

– What Happens After This?

You’ve already done something that many, here – here in the comments section, here in this specific social climate – would strongly advise you not to do: you hit on a colleague! A colleague in the couple probably not open! Like most heterosexual couples.

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If you hit on your co-worker and he said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry” and hasn’t changed his attitude since then… what the hell is going on? One of these two things. Either you tried so subtly that he didn’t notice, WHAT, or he decided to pretend you didn’t because he’s not interested in cheating on his girlfriend with a married co-worker and/or you’re not the co-worker he’s with. he would cheat and he doesn’t want to make you feel bad about the terrible, horrible, wrong, bad thing you did that day, WHAT, and then he pretends you didn’t do it.

If you want absolute clarity from him, WHAT, you’ll have to risk the dreaded direct question: “The other day I hit on you – because I have a crush on you – and since then I’ve been wondering if you’ve noticed and, if so, what do you think” (good luck with the human resources department, if he understood at first glance, he wasn’t interested and “but yes, don’t worry” was his way of saying “no, thank you”). Whatever you decide to do, whatever happens or doesn’t happen with your co-worker, don’t put off talking to your husband any longer. It’s best to discuss the couple’s opening without the added pressure of an available crush waiting for you at the office.

Polyamory sounds like a great idea to me. People can hold an incredible amount of love. Where I once saw the word “polyamory,” however, I now often see the expression “ethical non-monogamy” being used. What is the difference, if any, between the two? Is the second just the umpteenth symptom of the phobia of emotions that reigns in American society or am I missing something? I don’t want to just fuck; i want to love the people i fuck with. Am I the only poly idealist in the world?

– Pondering Over Linguistical Yens And Meanings

You are definitely missing something.

Ethical non-monogamy (NME) and polyamory do not have the same meaning. Indeed, a few years ago polyamorous people complained about those who, just wanting to get laid, defined themselves as polyamorous, and it is probable that someone invented the name for this very reason. To clarify, don’t confuse.

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Imagine it this way: Bob and Carol decide to open up as a couple, on the condition that sex with other people remains only occasional: no encore, no permanent partners, no feelings. As long as Bob and Carol stick to the deal they made by opening up as a couple, POLYAM, and as long as Bob and Carol don’t delude their casual partners – as long as they don’t encourage external sex partners to think a relationship is possible when in reality they just want to fuck – Bob and Carol practice non-monogamy ethically. Bob and Carol are therefore nme, but not poly (note to Bob and Carol: not letting external partners think a relationship is possible is just as important; if someone can reasonably imagine you are single and open to dating, you must let them know in advance on the contrary).

Ted and Alice, however, have a different arrangement. They love each other and are a stable couple, but they hang out with other people, with whom they are willing to establish equally stable and parallel sentimental relationships. As long as Ted and Alice observe the rules and conditions they set, they practice non-monogamy ethically. It follows that Ted and Alice, as well as Bob and Carol, are yes nme, but also polyamorous.

And to complicate matters further, POLYAM, while it’s true that any healthy, functional poly relationship is nme, it’s not equally true that all poly relationships are open. There are extremely closed trios, quartets, quintets, etc. They’re polyamorous and nme, but no one else gets asked to share their Google calendar.

Now that I’ve done my 50+ pop quote (the movie Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice was released in 1969), POLYAM, just know you’re not the only one who wants to love the people she fucks with and fuck the people she loves (those she’s not related to, of course). But don’t think that someone who is nme without being poly isn’t interested in love or afraid of intimacy. Two people can be very much in love, POLYAM, and at the same time establish that relations with external partners must remain strictly occasional.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

Savage love is a sex and relationship advice column published in The Stranger. Send your questions to [email protected].

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