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Concessions – Dan Savage – International

by admin

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I’m a 29-year-old straight guy. I have been with my 25-year-old partner for six years. I love her and think that together we are perfect. We have all those things that make it beautiful to coexist with a person. Two years after we got together, however, I had a two-week affair while abroad. Bullshit I did. I confessed, and we’ve been doing our best to elaborate for four years, but it has clearly created trust issues. I have never cheated again and I try to reflect every day on the problems I have created in the relationship. I also happened to betray his trust a couple of times recently. One day when I was very stressed, I got caught smoking in secret – “secretly” is the problem – and once again I got stuck in the backyard after she went to bed. Either way I admitted straight away. I think they are both lockdown / pandemic effects, a tendency to stop “normal” behavior. But she no longer feels like letting me spend time with friends making me without her explicit permission, which she has already said she will hardly grant me. The other factor is that in three years we want to have children. We have already decided that once parents we will completely abstain from drugs. My problem is that I am trapped between wanting to meet my partner’s needs and maintaining some autonomy. When we talk about these things – and lately we do it often – his arguments boil down to: “You did a bad thing, you have to make concessions to make me feel safe, and the fact that you have to ask me for permission reassures me.” We are a bit ‘at loggerheads, and I do not know if mine are absurd claims, since in fact I ask for permission to use illegal drugs. I would be grateful for an external, disinterested and antiprohibitionist opinion.

–Don’t Really Understand Girlfriends Sentiment

This morning I had an emergency operation on my teeth and I am a bit dazed… What are those things already called? Oh yes: drugs. I picked the letters for this week’s column last night, when I just didn’t expect to find myself full of painkillers when it came time to answer. Right now, honestly, it wouldn’t be the case for me to lead an advice column, but deadlines are deadlines. You take my advice with a bag or two of grains of salt, DRUGS, while everyone else for this week can skip.

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Then! DRUGS! We come to us! In summary, my external, disinterested and antiprohibitionist-conditional opinion on your dilemma is: do not have children with this woman. Don’t mix your DNA with hers, unless the thought of begging her permission for the next forty years every time you want to get a joint with a friend or go to the fucking loo makes it tick. reeds you will want to make them even when there will be children). If it turns you on, begging, perfect. Make these fucking kids. But if it doesn’t turn you on, my friend, get your ass up and go.

Ok, ok: you did a bad thing. Four years ago you were in a relationship and made the mistake of telling your girlfriend, even though 1) she probably would never find out and 2) you immediately regretted it. Repentance was not instant – it took you a couple of weeks, for example, DRUGS – but the fact that you haven’t cheated on her since is a good indicator that I was sincere. It’s been four years, DRUGS, and even now every day you wake up and start working on these trust issues again. Because you haven’t been forgiven yet. Because you made the mistake of revealing a betrayal to your girlfriend that she would never have discovered if you had kept quiet about it.

But you know that… come to think of it… maybe it was good that you revealed the betrayal, DRUGS. Not because sincerity is always the best choice. Famous couples therapist and author of books, podcasts and Ted talk Esther Perel advises those who have betrayed to evaluate the “weight of awareness” before disclosing. If the repentance is sincere and we will not do it again, if the partner does not take physical risks and is unlikely to find out about it from a third party, sparing him the burden of knowing is the second most loving thing we can do (the first, of course, would be not to betray him).

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In short, to clarify, DRUGS: I don’t think that telling your girlfriend was the right choice, because now she is the one who keeps repeating it to you. If he thinks he can no longer trust you – and if he is constantly looking for new reasons not to – then he should leave you. But he doesn’t leave you, DRUGS, and you have to wonder why he doesn’t. I have a suspicion: he won’t leave you because that’s fine with her.

Anyone who cheats and gets caught, and says it, and wants to be forgiven, must expect to spend some time, well, being forgiven. He must expect to stay in the dog’s bed for a while and, if you want to extend the metaphor, on a short leash. But one in the dog’s kennel cannot stay there for life. The traitor must assume all responsibility and treat with delicacy the insecurities that the betrayal may have provoked or aggravated. But if the traitor does everything and after many years the betrayed person still keeps him in the dog’s kennel – or constantly finds new reasons to keep it there – it is because the betrayed woman wants the traitor stay in the dog’s bed. Lifetime. It means that, instead of getting angry that you cheated on her, DRUGS, your girlfriend is in her own way overjoyed that you did. Because that bad thing will allow her to control you for the rest of your days.

But it shouldn’t. And if she says otherwise or the situation is fine with her, DRUGS, you have to leave her.

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Let’s come to my reservations: you do not specify what kind of drug you used in the garden with your friend, I assume it was weed, that where I live is legal, but where you live it is not. There is obviously a noticeable difference between going out for a smoke when your girlfriend goes to bed and going out for a crack pipe. And if you have an addiction, and in the past you’ve gotten into hard drugs from a stick, your girlfriend’s zero tolerance may be justified. But if you’re not talking about hard drugs and you don’t have addictions, DRUGS, it’s not fair that you have to beg permission from your girlfriend – who has already denied it to you – to get a joint with a friend.

While working from home I listen to old episodes of your podcast. Yesterday I heard you explain to straight male listeners that their partners would more often say “yes” to sex, if “sex” didn’t mean getting fucked every time. As a heterosexual woman dating a male, I have recognized myself very much. Then, in the evening, when her husband began to rub and I didn’t want to indulge in hammering, instead of saying “no” I proposed a handjob while he sucked my nipples. It was great for both of us! Total victory! Thanks, Dan Savage!

–Joyfully Enjoying Relevant Knowledge

Nothing, JERK! It’s always nice when someone following your advice writes to you that they haven’t regretted it.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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