Confused Gays – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

From the end of the Roe against Wade to the assault on democracy to the climate crisis to the war against Ukraine, there is only bad news, all the time, for everyone. But the monkeypox epidemic is a small extra dose of bad news expressly for gay and bisexual men (over 96 percent of monkeypox cases are occurring among gay and bisexual men). I tell you, fags: if you have a rash or feel swollen glands, stay home. And if you are sexually active or would like to be soon, get the monkeypox vaccine as soon as possible. In the meantime, here is a column of only gay-themed questions, to remind us that our life is not made of only paranoia for an ingrown hair.

And

I am a gay man between fifty and sixty, married to a man. We have been together for thirty years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sexual sphere is so dull that it is almost extinct. After years of trying to get my partner to talk about our tastes, desires, needs and differences, and after years of proposing how or what to do, together or separately, to improve our sex life, I finally couldn’t. more and I started having occasional adventures. I encouraged him to seek sexual satisfaction where he prefers, but his response is always: “I never could.” What’s the problem? I’ve always been drawn to father / son situations – they tickle my submissive tendency – and I recently met a very sexy “daddy”. We’ve been meeting for six months, we’re both GGG and the sex is gorgeous! But my husband is unaware of the relationship. I would really like them to get to know each other, because I think both of them would appreciate each other’s sense of humor and personality, being both wonderful men. Do you think it is possible to make all three of them meet and become friends, perhaps managing to make the idea of ​​opening the relationship lighter for my husband? He and I are both passive and submissive, and my daddy is a gentle dominator. Do I make them meet or do I keep the two relationships separate?

– Lusting After Daddy

If what you are asking me is how to tell your husband that you have been fucking another for six months without hurting him, LAD, I cannot help you. It is very likely that he is hurt by it. It is also impossible to reveal to him the existence of this new friend of yours without risking to compromise your vague “do but don’t say” agreement.

Assuming your husband isn’t a fool, LAD, he’ll know you’re having sex with other men. When you invited him to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he will have realized that he intended to do (or were already doing) the same. But there’s a big difference between knowing something because you got there a little bit, LAD, and knowing it because they throw it in your face. Just as there is a difference between having sex with other men – one-time, one at a time – and having it repeatedly with the same man (which, with a monkeypox epidemic underway, would be a much safer choice. you and your husband, occasional meetings). Sexual infidelity is one thing, affective infidelity is another.

But the chances of your husband leaving you – after 30 years – seem slim to me. And even if he will initially be upset, then who knows? If once the anger evaporates he is willing to meet your boyfriend / daddy friend, and if your dominating daddy attracts him, and your dominating daddy is attracted to him, a successful threesome series could even spice up the sexual relationship. with your husband. But it could also go from “not very good” to “really bad” – you could end up divorcing – but without a jolt, on the sexual front things are certainly not going to get better, LAD, and to tell the truth it’s definitely a great jolt.

Net of all this, LAD, saying to your husband: “I have a boyfriend and I would like you to meet him, I think you might like him” is a big risk, and there is no going back.

I’m a 26 year old gay man from Arizona. I was with my 38 year old fiance for a year and a half. We started monogamous, but when after about six months we “put the kinky cards on the table” (I’ve been reading and listening to you for a long time), he “confessed” to me his desire to see me fucked by another. Or by others, in the plural. For a year, he literally talked about it every time we had sex. Two weeks ago I logged into Grindr (with his permission) to check the situation. When I found a couple, I showed my boyfriend the photos. He was thrilled. We went to their house, there was an understanding, and they both fucked me in front of him. When we left, he – who had masturbated and came looking at us – literally freaked out. He filled me with insults, accusing me of having enjoyed too much, after which he left me. Thank God I still had my apartment, I took some clothes and left. He now he says he wants a monogamous relationship, but not with me, because of what happened. I only did what he asked me to do. I feel terrible, I am prey to remorse and I do nothing but cry. Should I have pretended that he made me sick? Is there any way to save the day?

– Wholly Heartbroken Over Relationship Ending

The situation cannot be saved, WHORE, but you can interpret it in two ways.
1. What jumped into your mind? Everyone knows that you shouldn’t have threesome sex with two other men at your boyfriend’s request without first taking a moment to read his mind (but will he really want to?). And everyone knows, WHORE, that after reading his mind you have to scrutinize the future to know how the boyfriend will react as the threesome takes place in front of him (a good boyfriend is always able to predict the future). If you had done these two simple things – read his mind, peer into the future – you would now be planning your wedding, WHORE, while your boyfriend would continue to pester you to let other men fuck you.

1. Consider yourself lucky. You found out something about your ex boyfriend that you needed to know before marrying him. It’s not okay. Be happy to find out before signing a lease, before marrying him, and before adopting a dog, child or ficus benjamin. You discovered one thing you needed to know – a disqualifying thing about your ex-boyfriend – when getting out of the relationship was still relatively easy, logistical, albeit emotionally devastating. And I can think of worse ways to find out than by having great sex with two handsome males. Think of it like this: you killed a pigeon with two beans.

PS Chances are you’re not the first to hit a roll like this, WHORE, and you won’t be the last.

PPS Pick up the phone and ask the couple if they’d like to have a third steady until this monkeypox thing passes.

***

Gay white male, from the southern United States. Democrat in a republican state. Your reader and admirer for a long time. My husband and I have a good life, two jobs we like, we go on vacation to gay destinations with friends and we have families that support us. After so many years of marriage, the fire of love and passion is still very much alight. We know we are very, very lucky. We met that we had both been single for many years, both burdened with the aftermath of a religious upbringing, and with some long and painful relationships behind us. But one of your latest columns, where you called on gays to be less racist and discriminatory on apps, really made me smile. You said that it is not good to write, that I know, “no fat, no effeminate, no Asians”, but that “no republicans!”

When I was still on the square, I was always kind and inclusive on apps. I have met and dated men of various races, physical types, income, etc. And on my profile I always wrote “I am open to anyone, but not to Republicans!”. Then I met a man in a leather bar. We talked, we kissed, we fucked and fell in love. At first I didn’t know he was a Republican. After a few meetings, we deepened the subject of work. I knew he was a lawyer, and that night he “came out” as a Republican. I was shocked. Today he is a Republican politician in office (!) And I am the spouse who faithfully accompanies him to the events of the Republican Party. And he faithfully accompanies me to democratic events! We don’t try to change the other’s mind. We listen and learn. There’s no talk of politics – which helps – and my husband has had problems with some people for not supporting Trump. I am proud of him. And if I had stayed true to my “no to Republicans”, I would have missed the man of my life and years of happiness. Crazy how things turned out.

– Get Over Politics

Mine is advice, not binding arbitration. It’s not that my readers are forced to write “no republicans” in their profiles. Just as no one is obliged to dump a Republican with whom he began to fuck by accident. My readers don’t even have an obligation not to be Republicans. That said, GOP, while I am sure that your husband is a lovely man in all other respects, and while I am happy that you are happy, I could never do what you are doing. Or make me who you are doing. If I found out that a guy I hang out with is a Republican, and not only that, who has kept it hidden imagining (rightly) that otherwise I would never have touched him with my cock, I would not be able to swallow my anger. Nothing else. But you do and do what and whoever you want!

Mine is not a question, just a heartfelt thanks. I am a gay man in his forties and fifties on the west coast. Eleven years ago, on the advice of my doctor, I was screened for tumors of the anus related to papillomavirus (hpv). The results were not good. After some light chemo, some surgery and years of vigilance, I am finally free of the disease. But after the first intervention, the “big roller coaster” was closed for a few weeks for maintenance. Instead of feeling “broken” and unavailable to my husband, we started trying all the other rides at the carnival. And we’ve both learned that there are so many ways to have fun at the carnival, even when your favorite ride is temporarily closed. And for that we have to thank you, Dan. You helped me use words, and we both kept in mind your tips on how to be a good partner in bed and use creativity.

– My Anal Neoplasia Wasn’t A Death Sentence

PS I have advised all my gay male friends to get screened for HPV-related anal cancers, and I am standing next to some of them who are facing therapy. In all cases, including mine, we were asymptomatic. Anyone should do it.

Thank you for the letter, MANWADS, and I am delighted with your complete recovery. And even if the roller coaster has reopened, I hope you continue to have fun on all the other rides as well.

PS For gay and bisexual men: take MANWADS advice and get screened. If you are under 46 and didn’t get the HPV vaccine as a child, do it now. And as soon as possible, do the one against monkeypox, and the anticovid call, and get the prep and call mom, floss, wash the sheets and send a DM to Randy Rainbow with the picture of the bird. He just got his fourth Emmy nomination (congratulations, Randy!), But when he was a guest on my podcast he said his real focus is on unsolicited fucking photos via DM.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)