Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I want to thank everyone who attended the third Savage Love Livestream last Saturday. Special guest was Mistress Matisse, with whom we answered a lot of questions about BDSM for ninety sparkling minutes. Not at all the questions – there were too many – but as promised I will dispose of as much as possible in this week’s column …
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You always say that people to be in pairs must be “in good condition“. And if a person is “in good condition” he will never be because he suffers of a mental problem?
Suffering from a mental problem does not imply that a person is not or cannot be “in good condition”; as well as the fact of non suffering from it does not imply that it is. I mean, we all know people who, while not suffering from mental disorders, are a walking disaster. However, someone with a mental disorder who refuses to seek help or take medications may not be in sufficient condition to work or sustain a relationship. But taking care of ourselves is one of the main ways of showing that we are actually in good enough condition to be fucked, dated or married. Or all three. And so, far from proving you’re unfit for a relationship, having a mental problem and dealing with it – having more than one, but actively dealing with it – shows that you are in good condition.
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I am an undeclared bisexual widower. While giving a lecture to young people on Zoom I accidentally left a tab open with the word “gay” in the title. One of the students notified me in chat and I immediately closed it. It was embarrassing and it made me uncomfortable. Do I act as if nothing had happened or do I mention in some way?
If you wanted to declare yourself, this may be an opportunity to do so. If you still don’t want to, well, you don’t have to, gay card or not. Unless the parents complain and ask for explanations, you are free to let it go. And if someone thinks you are gay because they saw a card with the word “gay” in the title, well, you are free to say they are wrong, because you are not gay: you are bisexual.
I like BDSM a lot more than my husband. He likes it but does not take the initiative. How do I get him to instigate some energetic sex? We have set limits and safety words, but for him bindings and toys are too much effort!
Since the #husband has specified that ligatures and toys are too much effort, I would advise you to lift him from the burden of tying yourself up and shoving stuff in your ass by finding a third party who likes your kinks and / or regularly attending play parties with or without. your husband, it goes without saying that the pandemic is over. Who knows? He may not feel like binding you with his hands, but he may like to play with you (or someone else) while someone else does.
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The woman I’m going to marry bought a house: do we have to say it? I was fired at the beginning of the pandemic, but her work is going great and she is proud to be able to afford a home of her own. In short, how do we celebrate the milestone while remaining respectful? She also wants me to feel like home.
To acquaintances you could say “do you know that we have moved home?”. And to close friends and family: “Her work is so good that she managed to buy a house, I am very proud and lucky to be with her”. Let me be clear: you could say the two things indifferently to acquaintances and friends, because both are true. And if you live in a state where community of property is mandatory, dear boy, once you get married the house will become yours too. In the meantime, you can earn some parity (and ownership legitimacy) by taking the lead in fixing the new home.
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We may have found a unicorn. She is a friend who has already subtly expressed interest, but is also typically possessive and has to be first and foremost in a relationship. We are interested, but we don’t want possessiveness to create problems.
I guess he’s an attractive person. It would explain why you want to overlook the fact that she is emotionally unsuitable for the unicorn role. Because if you are looking for a person who plays a submissive role in the relationship, if you are not looking for an equal partner and / or you do not care that the unicorn becomes one, the last person on the planet to be evaluated as a potential unicorn is a person you already know. being possessive and inclined to be the first rather than the last.
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I’m a 27-year-old from New York queer and polyamorous. My question: I babysat a friend for a while. When I went to them, the husband would come to open the door, and we chatted about ten minutes before he left to go to work. I have stopped babysitting, but every now and then he sends me a picture of the baby and I reply “How sweet!”. It seemed normal to me. Then one day he sends me two selfies. I didn’t answer him because I found him out of place. Should I tell my friend? I don’t know if that’s out of place enough to tell him about it. Or should I have said something to him?
You don’t know the couple from the inside – maybe they can flirt with others – but you know what their husband’s selfies feel like: you don’t like them. If silence isn’t enough to stop him and make you uncomfortable with other photos and / or messages, tell him to stop. If he doesn’t stop, tell him he leaves you no choice but to warn his wife. If that doesn’t stop, warn your wife.
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I am 39 years old, I am cisgender and female. The covid really cleared my libido. In four months I will have masturbated twice. What I’d like to ask is… do you think we’ll go back to normal? Please tell me yes.
Yup.
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I have impostor syndrome when I go to ropes events etc, but I really like the kinky community. Can I go to their events even if I haven’t focused my kinks yet?
If a person is respectful – if they don’t stare, make a shocked face or photograph without permission – they will be welcome at most big kinky events. Those who organize smaller and more intimate play parties sometimes set rules that preclude access to those who do not grow a kink or have yet to find out; maybe everyone has to wear a certain outfit or play a certain type of game. If at a BDSM event you don’t know if you can just observe, write to the organizer and ask.
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I have a friend who wants to pet play, she says she wants to feel like a cow and she bought herself a breast pump. Do you have advice on how to help her safely? I wouldn’t mind playing with her, if that’s a sure thing, and I’m curious if she can get milk.
Is the cow considered a pet? Beyond this, according to La Leche League, regular use of a breast pump can “induce lactation”, which is the official definition of “producing milk without pregnancy and childbirth”. The sooner your friend sticks to that breast pump, the sooner she can play the sexy cow for you.
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Thanks again and everyone who participated in the livestream, and we will be organizing another one very soon!
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
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