Fantasy – Dan Savage – International

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

My wife, while we were on vacation in a rented house with friends, got drunk and cheated on me with my best friend in the hot tub. They haven’t exactly had sex, but more yes. I was not there, but there were eight other people in the tub and the jets of water were on, so no one else saw what was happening “below”. My wife told me later. I suffered from it but it also excited me a little. She then proposed to me to “settle the score” by asking my friend and his wife to have foursome sex. They accepted, but it was a very bad experience. My wife and my friend liked each other a lot and my friend’s wife was kind, but it was hard for me to enjoy with a woman I had no interest in, while my wife did things to my friend she doesn’t want to do with me. She let herself come into her mouth, which she strictly avoids with me, and did so in front of my eyes. Now he says he will do it with me too, but only if he can continue to do it with him too. It seems very unfair to me. We have children and I don’t want to get a divorce, but by staying with her I am afraid of continuing to suffer. What can I do?

– Help Overcoming Terrible Worries About This Entire Relationship

Mmm. I am not convinced that it went as you say, HOTWATER, or that your wife did what you say. Or rather: I am not convinced that your wife exists. In your letter there are too many “reluctant cuckold fantasy” themes, starting with your wife cheating on you in the most humiliating way possible (with your best friend and in front of other friends), to her doing things with the other. that she does not want to do with you (and in front of your eyes), to the sexual blackmail that she has now imposed on you (she lets you cum in her mouth as long as your best friend can continue to cum in her mouth). And the presence of an inert best friend (didn’t he think to tell you anything?) Next to an equally inert wife (didn’t he have any reaction when you confronted her?) Doesn’t add credibility to your question.

But in the very, very remote eventuality that a wife exists, as well as that rented house, and that something has happened in the whirlpool … If you can’t credibly threaten divorce, HOTWATER, then you’re screwed. Your wife wants to dictate the rules and set the conditions – for example that you will get X from her (X = cum in her mouth) only if she can do X with others – and judging by how she behaved on vacation, ENRAGE, she will do without. other X with other men, whether you like it or not. You can even forbid her from doing it again – insisting on strict monogamy – but having seen what she is capable of, underwater as above, will you ever feel more comfortable when she’s not around? Will you still be able to leave her alone with your best fictional friend?

If the thought of your wife’s cheating has turned you on, HOTWATER, maybe you can find a solution. And maybe it’s true that it turns you on. You say you got excited when he confessed to you about what he did in the whirlpool with your best friend, but that the foursome you did to “even the score” was a fiasco. Could it be that you’re not going to settle the score? If the “very unfair” thought of an open one-sided couple – the thought of being able to cum in her mouth, say, one in ten times your best friend comes in her mouth – then you should consider telling them. It could be the beginning of something important – of a rejuvenating sexual adventure – or the beginning of the end.

But since the end seems inevitable anyway… why not fight to the last?

I spent two years with a man I thought I was going to marry. Then he lost his job in Italy, where we lived, and because of the covid-19 he couldn’t find another one, so he returned to his country. In his place I would have done the same. I’ve invested the last five years of my life in a college degree, I’m a woman doing the job she studied for, and wouldn’t give up on following a man to another country. But his decision to leave broke my heart all the same. Two months later he changed his mind, and now he wants to go back to Italy and make a life with me. We decided to meet in August to talk about our future, and for three weeks we exchanged a lot of love messages. Then a classic: I met another. I explain the situation to him – I’m about to go on vacation with my ex, we’re talking about getting back together – and he, thanking me for the sincerity, tells me that he cares more about enjoying the moment than thinking about the future. A week later we end up in bed together. The problem is that I still love my ex, I want him to come back to Italy and get back together. But I can’t erase how I feel about each other. It’s a complicated situation and it’s hard to talk about it, even with my friends. Do you have some advice?

– Messy Emotions, Sensitive Situation

You and your ex boyfriend are still exes, which means you are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want. The same goes for your ex, MESS, who for all you know may have dated and fucked another woman or more than one in the meantime, and through this experience realized he wanted to be with you. If you want to be with him too – and if, like most humans, you can only be with one person at a time – then, MESS, once the ex is back or he will no longer be your ex, which of the two happen first, you will have to close with Mister Carpe Diem. Provided that at that point Mister Carpe Diem is still there. Because Mister Carpe Diem could exit your life as quickly as he entered, for example by disappearing from one day to the next, or in a week you may discover something about him that makes you want to pass. But even if you were to leave Mister Carpe Diem because you get back with your ex – leave him for that reason and no one else – you don’t have to erase your feelings. You can be sad because something is over and at the same time happy to start over with your ex.

A little warning: “Have you seen yourself with someone else?” is a question that exes often ask themselves when they are thinking of getting back together. It is clear that you can and must answer truthfully, but you are not required to go into detail. “I’ve seen myself with one a few times” is an answer that is both honest and sufficient. Leaving out the extent of your crush on the other is not dishonesty, MESS, but delicacy. Let me explain: it turns out that your ex, while he was in his country, went out with someone he really liked so much, would you like to know?

I’m a straight cis, I’m in my thirties and just met a very sexy and kinky peer of mine on a specialized dating app. We shared two meals and six great fucks, always at my house. We both agree that this is occasional. She never told me she was married, but I’m pretty sure she is, or has recently separated. Judging from Instagram and Facebook it is clear that until at least two months ago there was a husband in her life. I don’t care if she’s single, married or separated, but I wonder if I shouldn’t let her know that I know her life is a little more complicated than she implies. If she is stressed by the thought of being able to disappoint me, maybe I will save her the stress. Do I tell you about it?

– Knowing Me, Knowing You

Maybe your sexy and kinky peer is cheating on her husband, or recently divorced, or recently widowed. In any case, KMKY has had opportunities to talk to you about her life – six amazing fucks, two I hope delicious meals – and she has decided not to. Talking to her a little about your life might inspire her to do the same, KMKY, but revealing that you spy on her on social networks – especially if she hasn’t given you the name of her profiles – might piss her off. That said, I don’t blame you for going to his Instagram or Facebook profile. It’s natural to be curious about the people we fuck with, and it’s bizarre that people who post on social networks then be surprised if a person they fuck with – who is technically part of the audience – sees your posts. But that a new sexual partner is willing to respect our privacy, perhaps more than we ourselves respect ours, can go a long way in creating a bond of trust. And don’t mention what you’ve seen on social media about someone you’ve just met, or just started having sex with, is a show of tact.

Finally, KMKY, the reason she prefers not to talk about her life may have to do with kinks. Some kinky people prefer to have fun with partners who don’t know the ins and outs of their lives. For some, being known only as dom or sub, or adult-infant, or adult-child, or latex slave who gets cum in her mouth as long as you don’t touch him, can make it easier for him to identify with the role. If this is the case with this woman, KMKY, discovering that what you know about her – and how you came to know it – could end up compromising your friendship and blocking you from sexual play.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)