My father was a generous and kind man, but often in a dark mood. He was plagued with problems big and small, from the fate of the world to the water in the cellar.
I remember seeing him genuinely happy twice. The first, when he started a second job as a bus driver because the salary alone as a teacher was not enough to meet the needs of our family. The second a few years later, when she decided to improve her career, once again for the sake of our family, by taking a PhD. During both of those periods he was exhausted and overwhelmed with work. But he smiled and laughed more than usual and seemed not to care about the little annoyances and big dilemmas that normally depressed him. He remembered those times with true tenderness.
It always seemed paradoxical to me: he was less happy when he was less burdened by the thought of money and had more free time, and he was happier when he made more efforts. However, this paradox has an explanation and contains a secret of happiness for fathers, potential fathers and also for everyone else.
Economic and social needs
Many studies show that in many areas of the industrialized world, men have fewer children and become parents at a later age, even more so than women. This is especially true in the case of highly educated men. Undoubtedly, these decisions are at the same time a reflection of an economy that requires higher education and the very high costs to obtain it, both for (potential) parents and for their (potential) children.
But they probably also depend on the fact that today delaying the moment in which one becomes a parent or giving it up completely is more socially acceptable than in the past. When I was little my father once said casually (making a comment that made me feel a certain nervousness): “In the sixties I never thought that you could choose not to have children.” Today, there is nothing particularly strange when a man (or any adult person) makes such a choice.
Fatherhood, like motherhood, requires obvious sacrifices in economic and social terms. From the point of view of the balance of happiness, however, the evidence in favor is very strong: for the average man, paternity is net of everything a great source of well-being. In research published in the journal Psychological Science in 2012, scholars found that parents are happier, feel more positive emotions, and make more sense of life than non-parents, which is especially true in the case of fathers.
Another group of researchers found in 2001 that men who live with young children (or who have older children) experience greater life satisfaction and are less at risk of suffering from depression than men without children or living apart. from young children.
In addition to being happier, men with children work much harder than men without children, although their time tends to be limited by family life. According to the 2001 research, men who live with children work an average of 6.6 hours more per week than those without children and two hours more than those who do not live with their children. Yet the impact of children on leisure does not seem to worry most fathers particularly: on the contrary, according to a 2016 study by Boston College, fathers millennial they are much more likely to say “my living conditions are excellent” than non-fathers.
A plausible explanation for these data patterns is that happy men who work hard are also the ones most likely to become fathers. But I think an equally plausible explanation is that hard work aimed at caring for those we love generates happiness. A conclusion consistent with the many evidence on what psychologists define helper’s high (the euphoria of those who help), which is the feeling of well-being we experience when we sacrifice ourselves for others. In research published in the journal Nature Communications, scholars showed that participants in a gift experiment felt much happier when they behaved selflessly. Sacrificing oneself for others, especially those we love most, is like a natural drug of happiness.
Waivers and recognition
This would explain the paradox I saw in my father. Obviously, the euphoria of those who help can be overwhelmed when people carry heavier loads than they can bear. There is a great deal of literature on the difficulties family members face when caring for loved ones with special needs or going through times of economic hardship. In normal situations, however, when we leave our comfort zones in which we take care of ourselves and instead try to put ourselves at the service of others, we can find great happiness.
Three lessons about happiness emerge from the research on fatherhood and sacrifice. First, if you want to become a father, put aside your hesitations. The data analysis should help dispel the common fear that fatherhood will have a net negative impact on a man’s well-being. The idea that being childless and carefree is more satisfying is on average wrong. Everyone has different paternity experiences and this depends on many factors, including the quality of the relationship between parents. However, all things being equal, parenthood is a great investment in terms of happiness.
Second, do not resist work and the sacrifices that parenthood entails. I often feel resentment when family responsibilities drag me away from my personal priorities which, unlike my father, usually involve a desire to work harder. However, resentment is not a good guide to happiness, and the 14th hour spent in the office is not worth the first hour at home. If, like me, you sometimes get upset about having to be a parent, try the “opposite signal” strategy: when you are annoyed that family obligations are affecting your personal desires, take it as a signal of of having to focus more, not less, on the family.
It is evident that some risk exaggerating, sacrificing themselves beyond all rational limits. Other fathers do not sacrifice themselves at all for their families, or mistreat them. But if a father is a good parent, he or she deserves to know, which brings us to the third lesson: the euphoria of helping is fantastic, but you can make your dad even happier by recognizing how he has put himself in the service of the child. your family and thanking him for it.
It is clear from many studies that showing your appreciation is likely to help improve your relationship and make you happier. Maybe you have the kind of dad who doesn’t appreciate this kind of recognition – “What the hell did you think I was going to do, let you starve?” It does not matter. Thanks will still be recorded and will help both of you.
All of these tips offer guidance on parenthood, but they don’t necessarily make it easier.
(Translation by Giusy Muzzopappa)
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