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Incorrect Dominators – Dan Savage

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Incorrect Dominators – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I am a 29-year-old bisexual woman in a non-monogamous couple. A few years ago I got the urge to explore my submissive side and I met a known dominator on a site dedicated to bdsm. We had a few drinks and enjoyed each other. Before taking action, we discussed our tastes and limitations. I have fixed some that are impassable for me. During our first practice session, he tried to modify them. I told him no several times, but he persisted and I finally gave in. I should have said enough at that point, but it was my first situation like this, and I think he took advantage of it. The experience left me with a very bad feeling, which, however, I did not communicate to him at that moment. In the end, I just disappeared. Later I met another very good and affectionate dominant partner, who luckily helped me explore my fantasies by making me feel cared for and protected. Now I know that a good dominator always respects the limits, especially when the games have already started. Lately I’ve seen the other dominator, the incorrect one, on several dating apps, and I’m thinking of writing to him to tell him that what he did was wrong. I am also concerned that he may violate other women’s boundaries. Can it have a positive effect or should I just let it go?

– Bitterly Debating Sending Message

You weren’t experienced BDSM when you met him, but you don’t say if he was just as inexperienced too. Even if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt – and imagine that he doesn’t know that trying to change the rules during a BDSM situation is never okay – you have every right to be angry.

“When it comes to encounters between dominators and submissives, the point is never the intentions but the effects,” explains Lina Dune, host of the podcast Ask a sub. “Even though he didn’t intend to drag BDSM into that horrible situation – because let’s face it: questioning the other person’s limitations is the worst possible wake-up call – he did it anyway, and BDSM’s emotional reaction matters.”

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Considering you eventually had to cut off communications, BDSM, I guess he kept contacting you expecting more encounters. Which means that either she did not understand that she did something wrong, or she hoped that you, as an inexperienced submissive, would continue to suffer from her attempts to manipulate, that is to violate your consent by pretending to want to “re-discuss” the rules to obtain it. games started.

“The task of correcting the perpetrator of misconduct never falls to the victim,” notes Dune. “But if BDSM can be a relief to send him a short message explaining what is meant by ‘insurmountable limits’ and how destabilizing it can be for the submissive person that a dominator changes the cards in the course of work, or that in general question the established limits, I don’t see anything wrong with that “.

If this dude is indeed an unfair dominator – a bad person who cannot be trusted – your words will certainly not magically turn him into a fair and trustworthy dominator. But maybe you will feel better afterwards, BDSM, and then who knows? Maybe this guy will start to worry about his reputation. Because you can actually do more than just talk to him. You can talk about him. Mind you: if he’s one of those asshole dominators who take advantage of novice submissives, it’s also possible that he doesn’t care about his fame on the BDSM circuit. But if telling the details of your first, failed submission experience – here in my column or elsewhere – encourages other budding divers to avoid this person and / or immediately stop a session if another untrustworthy dom does such bullshit, then it will. worth it.

My husband and I went to a bdsm event where, in addition to choosing a nickname, you had to specify your gender identity. My husband, who is disguising himself, wants to be called masculine when he presents himself as masculine and feminine when he presents himself as feminine. He doesn’t want to use neutral solutions like asterisks, snails and so on. I suggested that he indicate both masculine and feminine, but he says that is not an appropriate solution because he wants people to use the right ending for the way he has decided to present himself. He doesn’t want to be insensitive to those who identify in a non-binary way, but he believes that in his case it is evident that he has chosen to present himself in one way or another, and that people should understand this without having to specify. How do you avoid clarifying and asking others to choose the endings based on the gender they see “represented”?

– Helping Everyone Seeking Help Everywhere

Are we talking about tags to wear? Because if so, HESHE, then your husband can wear one that says “male” when he introduces himself as a man, and one that says “female” when he introduces himself as a woman. However, if it is a bdsm event organized by obsessives who require you to indicate in advance the scenes you want to organize, and list the names of all the participants, and specify the pronouns that the participants intend to use during the scenes, and respect those pronouns under penalty of expulsion … well, then your husband can only choose a team, or the genre he wants to present that evening and the related endings.

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***

I am a white cis American with a paramilitary look and heterosexual appearance in a poly couple. In the bdsm community they consider me an “active on demand”, that is, a submissive who does not disdain the dominant role. I love having group sex with my partner, and in those situations I happen to interact with other men. Outside of those hypersexual situations, though, I don’t care about sex with men. How should I define myself? I ask you because, for us who grew up in the nineties, only one homosexual relationship was enough to be considered gay. I am a resolute and self-confident person, and if during a crowd a man wants to play with me I find there is nothing wrong with giving him pleasure. These are experiences that I consider neutral in a positive sense. I’m afraid that using terms like “heteroflexible” or “almost straight” will help make bisexuality invisible, but calling myself bisexual seems like an appropriation, because in life I enjoy all the privileges of heterosexuality. I would like to call myself bisexual because I think it serves to normalize it as an orientation, but I don’t feel completely entitled. I would be really grateful if you would give me a hand.

– Just Oppressed Enough

In my opinion you are perfectly entitled to call yourself bisexual, JOE. But to be on the safe side, I also asked Zachary Zane, bisexual and owner of the sexual advice column of Men’s Health.

“I often get bisexual people who don’t feel ‘gay’ enough to use the ‘bisexual’ label,” Zane replies. “Generally they are cisgender women married to heterosexual cis men who have never known the level of oppression that, say, an effeminate homosexual paired with a non-binary person”.

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But your personal experience of oppression – or the absence of it – does not detract from your non-heterosexual component, nor does it preclude you from identifying yourself as bisexual.

“It is very sad to think that our concept of ‘non-heterosexuality’ is inextricably linked to the experience of oppression,” reflects Zane. “It’s an incredibly distorted idea. Being gay and / or bisexual has to do with the attraction to genders ”, and not with the level of oppression a person experiences or feels.

“So I’d say yes: JOE can define herself as bisexual because she loves to interact sexually with men in certain situations,” says Zane. “At the same time, I think he can and should recognize the privileges that come with his presentation, which he is already doing and must continue to do. And I hope that in the future she will use his condition to help other bisexuals who are not touched by the privilege of having heterosexual looks and ways like hers. ”

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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