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Just for now – Dan Savage

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Just for now – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I am a 28 year old queer woman. I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time. It was impossible for me to have a physical or emotional connection with any one person after I was raped four years ago. Eventually found a really, really, really nice person. She’s 36, and she’s pretty straightforward. He’s a cis white man who doesn’t like anal sex, which is good; not too good at oral sex, which is bad; with low to medium sex drive and medium to high level cock. Here’s the problem: I like the enveloping feeling of love and sexual pleasure that I’m finally enjoying after a long time, but he still leaves me unsatisfied. I feel like he’s missing a lot of things. We do not share fantasies, he does not take the initiative, there is no sense of seduction and cunnilingus is disappointing. I told him about it and he listens to me, he tells me he understands me, but he doesn’t put any of my suggestions into practice. Instead, he tells me to focus on the aspects of our relationship that are great, rather than what’s missing. Maybe I’m too critical and should try to focus on the positives. Or should I leave it to go and find an idealized god of sex, who could exist but also not?

– Idealized Dick Katharsis

PS My question needs a thoughtful answer, not savage savage. So, should I talk to my psychologist and not you?

First and foremost, I’m sorry you were raped. I am happy that you have enlisted the help of a professional, IDK, and I am happy to hear that you feel ready to reconnect with other people after taking four years to recover. And I’ll go out of my way to tell you that you don’t have to choose between talking to me about it and talking to your therapist. You can talk to both of them.

Broadening the reflection for a moment, I always thought of this column (and my podcast) as a conversation with friends about our love and / or our sex lives after a few drinks (or, these days, after sharing a cookie. marijuana). Friends are there to listen to us, challenge us, and ask us for help when they screw up. But friends are not professionals. When experiencing trauma, ideally, we would like to ask for help from a professional and – when we feel ready – for advice from our friends. And as your friend who wants to help you, IDK, as a caring friend, I would advise you to stop thinking about forever and instead focus on for now.

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Basically, IDK, when you look at this guy, you ask yourself “is he the right guy forever?”. And the answer to that question is obviously no. If you were to be with this guy forever – if you marry a guy who isn’t that great in bed and refuses to listen to suggestions and change things – you would be miserable in the long run. You could never carry out those fantasies, you would never be seduced as you wish, you would never receive oral sex as you wish. But if instead of asking yourself, “Is he the right guy forever”, you ask yourself, “Is he the right guy for now?”, The answer would be different.

You had a traumatic experience four years ago and have not been with anyone since. Gradually reconnect with sex, date someone and have a relationship with a cool guy, who isn’t great but isn’t terrible … Well, that seems like just what you need. Not forever, IDK, but just for now.

So don’t move in with this guy, don’t make any promises of any kind, and don’t extend this relationship a minute longer than you would like. When you feel ready to put an end to it – when you are ready to go in search of an idealized sex god – then you can and will have to put an end to it. You won’t have a long satisfying relationship with this dude, IDK, but you may have a short, satisfying one. Welcome back to the world of sex and sentimental encounters, take care of yourself and feel free to write to me whenever you want.

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I am a 32 year old polyamorous woman living in Canada. Last spring and summer I had a contract job a few hours from where I live. There I slept with one of my colleagues, a forty-year-old polyamorous man. He is amazing and we had amazing sex. As I began to have softer feelings for him, he made me realize that he was polysaturated and didn’t want to start a relationship with me. Now that the winter is ending, the time is approaching when I will return to work alongside him. I spoke to him recently and he can’t wait to start sleeping with me again, but he’s made it clear – again – that he doesn’t want anything else. I have mixed feelings because I really want to keep having sex with this guy, but I’m also afraid of getting hurt. Even if I start with the idea of ​​having sex in a casual way, there is also the risk that I will fall in love with him, and he has made it clear that he does not want to be with me. Do you have any suggestions on how I could enjoy this dude, and the amazing sex we have, without getting too attached to him?

– Constantly Amazing Sex, Unwilling About Love

Frankly, no.

The affection we develop for people is not a conscious choice we make, CASUAL, and usually when we start feeling something for someone… it’s too late. We are already fond of. The only thing we can do if we’re worried about getting attached to someone is to stop seeing that person, CASUAL, in the hope that their absence (or someone else’s presence) will drive those feelings away. But if the sex is great and the risk of excruciating pain is worth taking, no one will accuse you of continuing to fuck with this polysaturated dude (it’s weird that he finds time to fuck with you, but doesn’t have the willingness to go out with you. , not even a little). But keep your eyes peeled: if you continue to fuck with this guy, CASUAL, you will be more and more attached to him, you will become more attached to him and you will end up hurting yourself.

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***

I really like your column very much and I think your recommendations often hit the spot. But what you told TITE last week – the man who wanted to do away with his fuck friend – is not okay. You encouraged TITE to lie to her friend and tell her that her partner wanted to return to a closed relationship. That’s bad advice. Not so much the lies, Dan, but blaming the partner. First of all, that lie makes the partner the bad guy in the situation even if he had nothing to do with that: by doing so, TITE would lie to one person and lie about another too! Secondly, it is a situation that risks turning out to be a finger in the ass for everyone and not in the good sense of the word. Imagine that TITE is dating someone other than her partner and her ex-girlfriend happens to see him. I understand the idea of ​​not wanting to hurt a person’s feelings, but at some point we have to take our responsibilities in a relationship, including how we end them. Saying “oh, my partner wants to go back to a closed relationship” is the non-monogamous version of a woman saying “I have a boyfriend” for a guy to stop harassing her (except, in this case, it is sometimes necessary for the its safety). If TITE wants to ask her partner for permission to use her as an excuse, at least she won’t lie to two people. But, really, isn’t it better to communicate clearly and honestly, treating everyone like adults?

Communicate Honestly And Tactfully

You can’t always be right. And so CHAT, to you and everyone who wrote to me to tell me that my advice to TITE was inappropriate, I would like to say: you guys are right, I was wrong. Thanks for pointing out the bullshit I did, friends.

(Translation by Federico Ferrone)

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