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Love and Leashes – Dan Savage

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Love and Leashes – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I am gay and married. I am a little afraid to send you this question and my husband is afraid of your answer. In sex I have fairly simple tastes, while he likes bondage. We find a compromise because he loves “packaging”. There are evenings in which I tie him up entirely and leave him to “suffer” while I’m playing video games. So far, so good. It wasn’t that I’m afraid of accidentally killing him. I usually put it in his sack – imagine a leather sleeping bag you can’t get out of – which is strapped to a plank on the floor in front of the sofa. Then I put my feet on it and spend a few hours on video games. Every half hour I tighten the straps. At the end of the evening they are so tight that he cannot move or breathe well. If he doesn’t complain and ask out, he wins a wank when I’m done. We do this a couple of times a week (we also have a leather straitjacket, which we use much less though). I’m afraid the straps will give him an embolism or something. Some surround him and the board, others are on his body. At first the grip is not strong, but in the last hour it is enough and in the last twenty-thirty minutes it is almost unbearable. I never leave him alone. He, of him, is a forty-year-old in excellent shape, without pressure problems. He did not want me to write to you so as not to find out that it is dangerous and to have to stop. For the same reason he doesn’t want to ask the doctor. We’ve been doing this for ten years and so far I haven’t killed him. But does the risk exist? Can you ask a doctor?

– Seeking Advice Concerning Kinky Dangers

PS It may seem absurd to you, but for us these “packings” are special moments, important for our intimacy. I don’t want to give it up either.

“Bondage and protracted ligatures present some risk,” respond Dr. Seth Trueger and Dr. Ryan Marino, emergency medicine specialists (who have read your question and emailed a joint opinion). “First: Regardless of the duration, using a safety word or some emergency action is a good idea when tying up a person.”

If your husband closes him in a gagged sack, SACKD, instead of a word, he can make sounds, even just three consecutive grunts.

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“For several reasons, tying a person in a prone position, ie on the stomach, is particularly risky,” explain the doctors. “We know this from research into clinical risk management and from court cases. Which does not mean that supine tying is entirely safe, but prone is worse. And a series of sudden deaths from compromised respiratory tract exists “.

In short, do not tie your husband on his stomach, do not put anything around his neck that could prevent the flow of air and if you still do not have a word, a grunt or an emergency gesture, find him.

“Tight ligatures can also destroy muscle tissue, causing kidney damage and electrolyte imbalances (rhabdomyolysis),” doctors say. “And so obvious things like ‘staying hydrated’ – drinking lots of water before and after – make sense. The combination of ‘physical control’ and ‘chemical control’, then – through sedation and drugs – greatly increases the risks, so perhaps alcohol, when doing bondage, is better avoided ”.

I don’t think you use ropes, SACKD, because BDSM bags and straitjackets usually close with straps. But Trueger and Marino urge rope bondage lovers to use quick-release knots. “If something goes wrong, you often get upset or panic, which doesn’t make it easy to untangle the knots.” For the same reason, prudence and common sense recommend keeping a sturdy pair of scissors at hand.

As for the fear that the straps could cause life-threatening pulmonary embolisms: “Immobility and prolonged compression can actually cause blood clots,” the doctors say, clots that in turn can cause embolisms and an embolism can be fatal. “But hardly using straps instead of ropes can alter the risk of clots or embolisms, or a short interval of extreme compression – thirty minutes – add risk as well as a few bruises or superficial pressure wounds.”

It is known that even long plane flights – all those hours without lifting the ass – can cause embolism, but under three hours “the risk does not increase substantially”, according to the doctors, “and the straps have the advantage of be easier to open in an emergency “.

If you think about the risks and minimize them, you won’t have to give up on your packaging.

“Frequent exposure to risks induces a kind of security in the brain,” explain Trueger and Marino. “It is important not to get addicted and not to let your guard down just because nothing has happened so far. Establish safety rules and stick to them. With particular attention during the crescendo “.

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In short, when the straps are so tight that your husband cannot move – in the last half hour – put down the controller, SACKD, turn off the TV and concentrate on the very welcome sufferings of your devalued husband.

I am a 59 year old dominatrix, straight and cis. I have been practicing domination for about ten years. Last year I was contacted on Fetlife by a younger man. We wrote and met for coffee. He impressed me with his maturity and awareness. Since then, a couple of times a week we have had very pleasant play and exploration encounters. In the meantime, I found that he loves being penetrated. I have done this several times with a dildo and he says that he is developing a certain addiction to the intensity of the orgasms he achieves when he is penetrated. Among our rules is that he must always ask me for permission to come. Whatever we are doing. And he asks. Only last time, while I was penetrating him with the vibrator, I saw him come without my permission. I told him: “Bad child! You didn’t ask for permission! ”. He was stunned, he said “Eh?” and then he just started squirting. We talked about it and he swears he wasn’t on the verge of orgasm until I got it back. He says the feeling came at least five seconds later. Does it have something to do with prostate stimulation? I’ve never been good at “milking”, as they say, submissives, so I have no idea. It doesn’t matter that he disobeyed. He usually doesn’t throw a tantrum. And it happened to me that some submissives lost control, apologizing as they came (which I have to say a little bit I loved). What do you think about it?

– My Inexperienced Sub Toy’s Recent Ejaculation Somewhat Suss

Congratulations, MISTRESS, maybe you did it: you may have managed to “milk” a prostate. I’ll explain how to understand it: was the sperm you saw at the beginning oozing? Prolonged stimulation of the prostate gland can cause seminal fluid to escape. But without the contractions of orgasm the seminal liquid thus “milked” does not come out in splashes, it drips. If he was only dripping, that ejaculation did not feel like an orgasm, but a simple release of pre-ejaculatory fluid. Only with the contractions and the consequent squirting did he experience real orgasm. And since the prostate produces barely 30 percent of the fluid released during orgasm, your partner still had several squirts in his mouth at the time of the contractions. But despite not having come without asking permission, MISTRESS, he is still a bad child who still needs to be punished.

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***

I see myself with a woman later ten years spent almost always single. She is a marvel: witty, intelligent, creative, ambitious, a constant challenge for me. Sex is wonderful: I’m fifty and it makes me feel twenty. And it is quite imaginative, while in bed I have historically classic tastes. Aside from a couple of drunk threesomes when I was a bartender, my sex life has always been simple (but fulfilling!). The new situation excites me a lot, but it also scares me. We’ve mentioned a lot of things – role playing, bondage, choking – and as a partner I want to give it my all, but I don’t know where to start. Two other issues: I am neither aggressive nor dominant in character and I hate violence against women. The logical part of my brain can distinguish between violence and consenting sex, but in that reptile echoes of my grandmother and my father bounce. Do you have any advice? Books, podcasts with which an old wolf can _rediscover the hair and the vice __? _

– Basic Dude Seeks Mentors

Tips on the fly: listen to the podcast (in English) Ask a sub by Lina Dune, recurring guest of the Savage lovecast, who also manages the @AskaSub account on Instagram. Lina teaches online courses for BDSM beginners, and you could take one together. Love and leashes is a delightful South Korean romantic comedy: it’s about a woman who is completely disinterested in BDSM who approaches it after meeting a cute colleague who practices it. The protagonists are two well-known singers in their homeland and interpret two people who face the beginning of a relationship by talking about sexual tastes with tact, respect and awareness. Finally, Bdsm, I would advise you to read all the erotic material that your new partner likes and to see the porn that turns her on. Then, as does the beginner dominatrix of Love and leashesdiscuss, organize a situation and proceed calmly (suffocation is dangerous, so avoid it or pretend, perhaps placing your open hand on the neck or back, without squeezing or pressing).

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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