Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am a 24 year old gay with a 31 year old bisexual boyfriend. I have known since we got together that he has a lot more experience sexually than me, but so far it hasn’t been a problem. She met mine for the first time last weekend, or so we thought. But apparently ten years ago, during her “bisexual slut period” (exact words), they had threesome sex. I admit that no one did anything wrong – they were adults and consenting – and obviously no one could have known that he and I would get together in the future. But my boyfriend still fucked my parents! I am amazed, he is amazed, my parents are amazed, that perhaps I will no longer be able to look in the face. Please help us out!
– I Knew He Was Into Blonds
I’ve been writing Savage Love for nearly thirty years – thirty in September – and it’s rare now that a letter surprises me. But today, after reading yours – and lying in a dark room for six hours with a cool cloth over his eyes – I understand a few things.
The first is that I still manage to surprise myself. I thank you for this. Second, if a couple in their forties with a teenage son at home has threesome sex with twenty-year-olds (and it happens), the risk – difficult to quantify but nonetheless unavoidable – that the child, once he grows up, will end up knowing, fucking and even falling in love with one of the 20-year-olds your parents have had sex with will always exist. Third, having contributed to creating a world where there are couples in their forties who sometimes have threesomes with bisexual twenties, IKHWIB, oh god it’s all my fault what I’ve done you can never forgive me.
Having clarified this, IKHWIB, do you know who in my opinion should intervene on the subject? The former mayor of Minneapolis.
“It’s a good sign if they managed to laugh at her,” says Betsy Hodges, Mayor of Minneapolis from 2014 to 2018. sex. It’s not easy to deal with, but laughing helps ”.
It may seem bizarre that former Minneapolis mayor IKHWIB is giving you advice on sex life, but she was the one who contacted me when I posted your letter on Twitter telling my followers – and among them her – that I would publish it. in the address book without having any idea what to answer. Betsy Hodges, on the other hand, knew precisely.
“She has to figure out if the boyfriend deserves it,” observes Hodges. “It all really depends on the strength of the bond, which will have to be weighed in the light of any tensions between IKHWIB, boyfriend and parents. Will they be able to handle them? If someone feels guilty (rather than stunned) about what happened, and is not motivated to work on it, or doesn’t have the tools to do it, it will end badly ”. The illustrious Betsy Hodges advises the four to talk about it all together, to understand how to behave in the future.
“Talking about it, even though I know it sounds awful, can help them think less about it,” explains Hodges, “especially if they can laugh at the absurd and embarrassing situation they ended up in.”
You can laugh until you pass out, IKHWIB, but if you can’t suck your boyfriend because you think about your father doing the same, it’s also possible that you won’t get over it. If looking at your mother you can’t help but think of her sitting on your boyfriend’s face, it’s possible she won’t get over her. If you can’t get him to come inside you without thinking about when he came inside your father, mother or both (21-year-olds have a lot of energy, and very short recovery times), you may not get over it. But, as Hodges says, you may be able to think less about it.
While I doubt there’s a corner of memory big enough to stick such a thing into, and narrow enough not to let it out, IKHWIB, it’s possible your parents have already shown you the way. I remember that when I came out, my mother could hardly bear the closeness of the boys I was dating, because of the unwelcome images that aroused in seeing me with a boyfriend. She could watch my sister with her boyfriend without imagining her with a cock in her mouth, but for some reason she couldn’t look at me with mine without seeing the brute sodomizing her baby. It took several uncomfortable conversations, a few fights and yes, even a few laughs for my mom to stop imagining me sodomized. Maybe you too, with a little time, a few awkward conversations, a few fights, and a little laughs will be able to clear your mind of the unwelcome images of your boyfriend fucking with your parents.
What I mean, I think, is that if people with children – gay or straight – can pretend to ignore what they know very well, which is that their children are now adults and sexually active, and if they can not torture themselves by imagining us being fucked by our partners, IKHWIB, we should do it for them too: accept that our parents have a sex life, and also remove all unwanted mental images. You have to try harder than others, I understand, but if this boyfriend deserves it, IKHWIB, an attempt must be made.
You’re not the first to have parents who… ok, let’s not say they fucked up. Let’s say you’re not the first to have parents who are a little out of line. Good luck.
Seguite Betsy Hodges su Twitter: @BetsyHodges.
PS These lines by Philip Larkin could help you relativize: “Mom and Dad fuck you. / They won’t do it on purpose, but they do. / They fill you with all their defects, / and add others just for you ”.
I am a woman between 20 and 30, engaged. I have a great connection with my partner, we communicate well, and it is the best sex of my life. There is only one small hitch: we got together six months ago, after the end of a relatively short but intense story. I spent a year with my ex. We were very much in love, but we broke up because he moved abroad. Even though I love my partner and want to spend my life there, I struggle a bit to commit myself. I think what stops me is the fact that I have not had time to process the end of the other story. I feel that the ex still takes up space in my heart, and that prevents me from really letting the new partner in. I would like to stop thinking about the ex (who I haven’t heard from for six months) and open up completely to my partner, but it’s difficult because the other story doesn’t seem over. What should I do?
–Worried Hasty And Confused Klutz
You may regret your ex for life, having ended up between you for causes beyond your control. For the record: nothing guarantees you will not regret even your current partner, should it end, because it might. (Let’s face it: it’s been six months. A little pay, if you want my opinion, to talk about “comrades”, and you asked for my opinion.) But really the previous story ended for causes outside the your control? If your ex had no choice but to move overseas and / or accompany him was impossible, then okay, neither you nor him were in control of how it would end. But if he could stay and chose not to, WHACK, or you could accompany him and chose not, well… the circumstances that ended up weren’t beyond your control. Focusing on that – reminding yourself that it’s over between you by choice – can help you overcome the regret that keeps you paralyzed. And if that doesn’t work either, WHACK, maybe some more of that “better sex than yours” can.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
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