Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I’m an Italian fan of yours, so I apologize for my English. I’ve been in a straight relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, we’re both in our 30s, love each other, etc. Sex is great but rather conventional because we don’t have any particular kinks or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with my fingers. After I cum, I feel something is missing if we don’t have penetrative sex, ending with him cumming inside me. But since that part isn’t much fun for me – penetration doesn’t make me cum, and I cum before penetration – I usually push him to hurry, which is a little frustrating for him. Is it weird that we need this “ending” when we have sex? Is it weird that I want him to come inside me like this? Where does this need come from? I’m sure you will give me some great answers!
–Weird Orgasmic Needs Defy Easy Rationales
You are in a better position than I am to understand where this need of yours comes from – and it is very likely that you are in the missionary position (not that there is anything wrong with that!) – but what if I had to guess …
Sex satisfies our physical desire for contact, pleasure and release, WONDER, but it also satisfies emotional needs. And sometimes what a sexual and / or eroticized act symbolizes is as important or more important than the physical sensations it causes. It is important to you – very important – that your boyfriend comes inside you during vaginal intercourse. And since your boyfriend cums inside you after your orgasm – usually after you tell him to hurry up – your pleasure isn’t the priority at that moment. The point is not how you feel, WONDER, but what that moment means. Your physical needs have already been met; your boyfriend made you cum with his fingers. But sex doesn’t feel real and complete until your boyfriend cums inside you. In the moment – in those moments – what happens in your head is more important, that is, that the meaning of sex is worth more than the sensations it causes.
Since you are reading my column, WONDER, you must know (I hope you know) that two or more people can have a satisfying and meaningful sexual encounter, which makes them feel connected and satisfied, without anyone inserting a penis into the vagina, a penis in the throat or a penis in the anus, and without anyone coming into anyone else. Truth be told, a person can have a meaningful, satisfying sexual encounter, even without orgasm.
But if you want to spice things up with your boyfriend – if you want to give him the chance to enjoy a leisurely fuck with you from time to time – you could always wait until he comes after him. One more thing, dear WONDER. You are a sexually active and adult citizen of the European Union in your 30s, and I wonder if this has not already occurred to you. But I tell you all the same, you never know: let your boyfriend do oral sex on you until you’re totally horny, then give him time to fuck you until he cums, and then – but only then – let him touch you. until you come.
I have been with my partner for three years and we recently decided to venture into the world of swinging. We agreed to just do a “soft trade” to begin with and see where it would take us. We met with some couples and found a good understanding with one of them. Initially my boyfriend was very respectful of my boundaries, but now he’s obsessed and spends all his time on swinger apps. He likes reality porn a lot, which is to go through the various profiles, and that suits me. But he’s incredibly secretive about it. If everything takes place in the open, why does it need to be reserved?!? I broached the subject and the conversation always ends with him saying “I’m sorry! I’m just bored! I’m not looking for anyone else! ”. But his obsession is starting to dent my self-esteem. We have a fabulous sex life, and I’m a woman with big appetites. It is not as if we have a “flat calm in the bedroom” problem. I talked to him last night, asking him if we should get rid of this whole thing. I told him that if it is something he would like to continue alone, he is free to do it: single though. I don’t want to limit it if that’s what it needs in life, but I’m also determined not to suffer from it. I don’t know what else to do. I’d like to hear what you have to tell me to deal with this situation.
–Seriously Worried About Partner’s Obsession
There are two possible explanations for your boyfriend suddenly becoming so secretive and mysterious about what he does in swinger apps. The first is that perhaps he is cheating on you, or planning to do so. Maybe he’s doing things that violate the rules you set yourself when you opened your couple, like meeting a couple alone, or he’s planning something that breaks those rules, like arguing with some couples about making a full swap. Second possible explanation: Your boyfriend has a severe case of kid syndrome in the candy store. He got carried away and knew, even before you said anything, that it would bother you. But instead of discussing it with you, he tried to hide it from you. By some idiotic logic, he may have even thought he was being gentle with you while trying to hide what he was doing.
Whatever the truth, SWAPO, you’ve thrown an ultimatum – if it doesn’t stop with this stuff, you’ll be the one to interrupt it (the couple swap) or end it (the relationship) – and you’ll soon know what to do.
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I’m a sixty-year-old gay man and a 35-year-old straight friend and, no, don’t think you know where I’m headed. We became best friends, with no “special benefits”. We have a lot of common interests, and we like to do things together on weekends. I never had any indication that he was interested in me and I will not ruin our friendship by making sexual advances to him. Last year I went through a very difficult personal time, with a lot of illness and many deaths in my family. He was at my total disposal: really, beyond and more than I could have hoped for. I would like to give him a gift to express my gratitude for his support, and I can afford to give him a generous gift. The problem is, I don’t want to give him something that would make him think I’m hitting on him. Our friendship works because we respect each other’s boundaries, and I don’t want you to think that I suddenly tried to cross one of them. So here is my question: What can a 60-year-old gay give to a straight man who is half his age, which symbolizes his gratitude for the support received in a difficult period of his life but which does not suggest any sexual desire? Is there such a gift?
–Fully Recovered And Thankful
It is easier for me to reject proposals than to give advice, FRAT, since, apart from his age and heterosexuality, I know practically nothing about your friend. I mean, I guess it’s already clear to you that you shouldn’t buy an expensive leather harness or a glittery latex slave suit, right? You don’t need me to tell you, do you? So, apart from the pussy, what does your friend like? Does he like football? Get him a couple of match tickets for the team he likes the most and encourage him to go there with a friend (or girlfriend, for a date) who shares his passion for that straight junk. Does he like video games? Buy him one of those giant televisions that straight kids love to play video games on. Does he like to travel and is he fully vaccinated? Buy him some airline vouchers and give him enough money to pay for good quality food and hotel, telling him to go on a nice vacation totally vaccinated and at your expense. Or maybe there is something he needs more than something he desires: a bit like you needed emotional and logistical support during your illness and family tragedies? If you need your credit card charges to be covered, do so. If he needs someone to pay for his car, you do it.
And if you are concerned that it may mistakenly trade your generosity as an attempt to give it a try, as a precedent (of other expensive gifts to come in the future), or as a burden (as if you are expecting equally expensive gifts in return), clarify all of these. possible misunderstandings in a note: “You have been a truly generous and selfless friend during an extremely difficult time in my life and I wanted to do something special for you – just this time – to thank you. I hope we will always be friends ”.
Otherwise, FRAT, there’s even a chance to give him something reasonable – maybe football tickets are fine – and include that straight guy in your will. He definitely won’t think you’re hitting on him when you’re dead.
(Translation by Federico Ferrone)
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