Home News On the crest of the wave – Dan Savage

On the crest of the wave – Dan Savage

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I have a trans friend. He recently got out of a shit relationship. His ex suddenly stopped being attracted to him and didn’t want to make an effort to work things out. His heart is broken. He told me that women often reject him when they find out he’s trans, and he’s sick of this endless stream of rejections. We met in the university town where he still lives today, but our whole circle of friends (including me) has gone elsewhere. Even for those who are not trans, it is not easy to be a celibate man in his thirties in a liberal college town. He is convinced that his destiny is to remain alone. I do not want to underestimate her experience as a trans person (I am a cis woman), but I continue to seek a delicate balance and encourage my friend to open up to the world, to meet people by attending events in his community, to volunteer and so on. . He also told me that people our age (in their thirties) are more transphobic than the younger ones, but he doesn’t want to become one of those perverts in their thirties who hang out with people in their twenties. I suffer a lot for my friend. Do you have any advice for making him have more friends and / or find a new romantic partner?

–Friend Really In Extreme Distress

The only thing worse than being dumped by someone who doesn’t want to “try hard to fix it” is being dumped by someone who had already decided to dump you – meaning the relationship was already dead – but then threw months or years away. of your life by pretending to make an effort to do it. So if your friend’s ex knew it was over, dear friend FRIED, she did him a favor by refusing to go through the agony of “trying to fix it.”

This will be little consolation for your friend, of course, so don’t tell him. But keep giving him the advice you’ve given him so far, which is both predictable and excellent. Get out of the house, do things, go around, meet people – it’s the same advice I would have given him, and it’s the same advice any help column manager would have given him. And, almost without a doubt, it’s the same advice your friend would have given, or has already given, to a friend of his after a breakup. Just because your friend hasn’t accepted your suggestion yet – and you continue to wallow in his grief – doesn’t mean this was wrong, FRIED, just that he’s not ready to put it into action yet.

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As for dating trans …

I’ve visited a lot of liberal college towns, and they tend to be more welcoming and understanding places to trans people – for example – than the average Alaskan fishing village. And most women – cisgender or trans – won’t want to fuck or date your friend (he’s willing to date trans women, right?). I am gay and most men – cisgender or trans – don’t want to sleep with me. Now, it’s true that men who find me attractive don’t reject me when they realize I’m gay. But being rejected by a woman who initially found him attractive, after he revealed he was trans? Rejection will hurt more. But your friend can avoid that kind of rejection by revealing the truth right away. My HIV-positive friends who don’t want to go through the difficult moment of revelation, and be rejected for it, reveal it right away. Since your friend will sooner or later have to explain it to the women he is dating, making it clear that he is trans on his profile in dating apps – reveal it right away – pushes women who may have a problem about it to move on. . In other words, FRIED, your friend has the power to overturn the rejection script by essentially saying, “I’m trans and if you’re not ready to date a trans man, that’s the door.” Instead of waiting to be rejected by cisgender women who don’t date trans men, he’ll be the one to reject those women first.

And finally…

If adult, vaccinated twenties want to go out with him, your friend should accept it. Refusing to go out with people because of a characteristic of themselves that they cannot control and change – their age – appears discriminatory (young people are not discriminated against!), Paternalistic (twenties are adults!) And, in the case of yours. friend, self-righteous (since he doesn’t like being rejected for something he can’t control or change). But my impression is that your friend is just looking for an apology. Just let him cry for a while longer, FRIED, keep telling him to do the obvious (go out, hang out, do things, meet people) and in a few months your friend will introduce you to his new partner. And it will likely be a 20-year-old she met at a community event. And who later saw her profile on Tinder, and crawled right, attracted to her openly trans ass.

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You recently published a letter from a woman dating a man “suitable for her age”. Could you please explain that sentence to me? I’m a 65-year-old straight white. Twice married, twice divorced. Someone once told me that to obtain the minimum age of a potential partner a man has to divide his age in half and then add 13. I don’t know where these numbers come from, but using that formula I get to a minimum age of 45. I am open to dating women my age or older than me. But so far my contacts with older women have led nowhere. I guess the point is that I’m attracted to younger women right now. That’s all. So, I hope to get some tips on this from you.

–Aging Gentleman Enquires Sincerely

Oh, wow, one of those rare men attracted to younger women. It is not something you see every day.

Fuck, marry, or keep dating any consenting adult you might have gotten to. Be realistic about your prospects (divorced twice and still horny), AGES, and make a conscientious effort to control the badass thoughts, which is the kind of desire men of all ages find themselves dealing with when their dicks are hard. Also, don’t be unnecessarily pushy. Straight men need to keep in mind that women are taught to prioritize men’s needs over their own (this is how women are introduced into society) and to fear male violence (this is how women are terrified). As a result, many women find it difficult and / or scary to say “no” to a man. So when a woman gives you an ambiguous answer (“I’m very flattered”), or politely declines (“I’m very busy”), take that as a “no”.


I am a 30 year old straight woman, cis, and I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I love it and sex is mind blowing when we do it, which is about twice a week when I don’t have any leaks. We can only have sex when he takes the initiative, but there’s more. I take the pill and often bleed between the second week and my period, a side effect that is not a problem for me. However, if there is blood, nothing can happen between us because it sucks. He doesn’t have anal sex because his stool sucks. He doesn’t have fun with me and a sex toy when there is blood, even a drop, and he doesn’t go down to my nether regions because he doesn’t like it. He also doesn’t want me to touch me when I go down to his lower parts, because he says it distracts him. The hypothesis of an open relationship is not an option for him. It seems to me that anything but his penis that penetrates something and comes out perfectly clean makes him pass any desire. I feel hurt, but I also wonder if I’m almost raping him by asking him to do things he doesn’t like to do. When I open the subject he insists that this is my problem, not his. Is there any way to go on?

–Frustrated About Intimate Life Under Restrictive Edicts

PS Is it a product of patriarchy or am I crazy?

There is no way out, FAILURE, there is only one solution: drop the fucking bastard right away.

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If you want to give your future ex boyfriend a lovely farewell gift, FAILURE, I suggest you get him a toaster and a rubber vagina. Tape them together, leave them on your side of the bed, grab your shit and walk away. Because it’s a hot, quiet hole your boyfriend wants for a partner, FAILURE, not a woman with a fully functional set of female reproductive organs, let alone a woman with needs, wants, or cravings. I strongly suspect your ex boyfriend won’t miss you or your bleeding vagina or pooping ass or mouth opening to ask for perfectly reasonable things, FAILURE, and I’m sure that even if at first you will be missing, it won’t be long. Because within a week you will realize that being alone is better than being with a selfish and tyrannical piece of shit.

Yes, yes: you love it. You have to love him – or be convinced you love him – to put up with his shit for a week, let alone a year. But the longer you stay in this relationship, FAILURE, the greater your frustration and resentment, and there will inevitably come a day when you will no longer be in love with him and what remains of your self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual preferences will have been destroyed. . Don’t wait until the love is gone and the damage is permanent to leave this asshole. Leave it now.

PS I don’t know if patriarchy made your boyfriend the asshole he is, FAILURE, but it’s definitely patriarchy that makes you question your sanity.

PPS Please don’t “force yourself to fix things” before you download this asshole, and you don’t have to give him a parting gift, lovely or not. Instead, get a powerful vibrator.

(Translation by Federico Ferrone)


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