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Police States – Dan Savage

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Police States – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

Sono monogama and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who defines himself as heterosexual, for just over a year. When we met, he told me he had a strict “no contact with ex” policy. Following some of his questionable behaviors, lies and mystifications – regarding contacts with his ex girlfriends, profiles on dating sites and multiple private Instagram accounts – I checked his phone, finding confirmation of my suspicions. He hadn’t cheated on me, but there were some rude messages he apologized for. He then blocked all his exes and now he’s back on track. When I checked his phone, I also found some strange texting with a male friend of his. My fiancé had sent him nude photos and videos of him having sex with other women (dating back to before we knew each other). There were also messages in which they talked extensively about how much they admired each other’s cock and how much he missed him, and my boyfriend said he wanted to fuck other women with his friend. When I asked him what relationship he had with this man, he replied that they are just very friends and that exchanging sexual messages like “between straight males is done”. As far as I can remember, my straight ex boyfriends didn’t express nostalgia for other people’s cocks, but he’s the first one I check my phone for any wrongdoing. Is it really something that heterosexuals do? I don’t care if my boyfriend is bisexual, but I don’t want him to lie to me. And not to be obsessive girlfriend, but my boyfriend had some framed pictures of this guy in the house, which I had him take off. I also asked him to stop all contact with him. In my mind it’s all very fresh because we met him by accident the other night. They showered with compliments on how fit they were, and my fiancé was visibly nervous. Is he telling me the truth? Do straight men really send dick photos to friends they aren’t sexually attracted to? My fiancé is long over 40. He knows I’m bisexual. The idea of ​​forbidding contact with exes was his, not mine, and I find that this man can count as an ex and should remain blocked. Do you agree?

– Straight Men Exchanging Long Lusty Texts Exuding Sexual Tension

Your boyfriend made the rule – no contact with exes (not even eye contact on the subway?) – but at some point, after the lies and mystifications – it was you who applied it: rummaging through his phone, ordering him to block exes, remove framed photos, etc.

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He evidently agreed to turn a blind eye to your intrusions, SMELLTEST, since you are still together. And you, evidently, have agreed to turn a blind eye to the mountain of compromising clues you found in his phone. While from the beginning you respected his “no contact with exes” rule, he communicated with exes, exchanged sexual messages and photos, as well as using dating apps and managing various Instagram profiles. You have drawn the conclusion that he was not cheating on you – that he had only broken his silly rule – but to me, SMELLTEST, experience teaches that those who practice one-way rules are unlikely to be able to fulfill a long-term monogamous commitment. . I’m not saying he has already betrayed you, but if not being betrayed is important to you, he well… maybe he’s not the man for you.

As for his assertion that exchanging photos of the bird and compliments about it is something that is done between straight males …

I haven’t had a chance to rummage through Harry Styles’ phone, SMELLTEST, yet, so I can’t say with certainty that no straight male has ever sent pecker photos to a fellow man (nor spit on a fellow at the preview of a movie). And given the amount of straight men who enjoy playing “gay chicken” these days, pretending to want to kiss until one of them pulls back (to then post the video on TikTok), it is reasonable to assume that some may swap. photo of the bird and joke about how much they would like the other’s. But I don’t think these are common behaviors among straight men, particularly after forty.

My feeling is that your boyfriend pleasantly had threesome sex with his friend and another woman before you met, and that in that context – with the presence of a woman to heterosexualize any accidental homosexual contact – he has learned to appreciate each other’s cock. Since you searched his phone thoroughly enough to find dating apps, messages he exchanged with exes and all his fake Instagram profiles, SMELLTEST, if he were bisexual you would probably also find messages sent to other men, as well as his own. various Grindr, Scruff and Sniffies.

If this friend is the only male he has ever toyed with, SMELLTEST, and if his dick is the only one he has ever wanted to welcome beyond his tonsils, your boyfriend is free to round down to “heterosexual”. I also think that having toyed with this one man doesn’t make them “ex” in a sentimental-relational sense, and that you should allow your boyfriend to hang up photos of her.

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Finally, SMELLTEST, what you are doing – him with his bans on contact with exes and his lies, you minding his own business and orders to remove the photos – seems exhausting to me. Are you a couple or a police state? If he manages to remain monogamous and enjoys swapping photos of the bird with an old friend what harm will it ever be? Why not give it to him? And if the other is attractive… why not indulge both of you?

PS I hope that the videos sent by your boyfriend to his friend, those in which he had sex with other women, were taken with the consent of the protagonists, and that he had permission to share them.

Typically, the writer begins by specifying sexual orientation, age and gender. Some of this information can easily be gleaned from my letter; the rest probably doesn’t matter. I have been in a stable couple for four years and I love my partner. Although it may seem a bit sparse as a description, it takes care of me. She really loves me, and she makes me feel loved. The first time we had sex, he took care of me and my pleasure from start to finish. I was flabbergasted. Four years later, I continue to receive sweetness, attention and empathy from him. But there’s one thing he can’t understand, and neither do I. After sex, I cry. Almost every time, and desperately. I feel drained, sad, dirty and guilty. It almost seems like she grew up in a Catholic family, but she didn’t. But I’ve always been very hard on myself. For a long time I have suffered from eating disorders, and my life has always been marked by the need to control my body. “Control yourself! Keep the habits! If you let yourself go, terrible things will happen! The more you can control yourself, the better you will feel! ”. Could this be why I have certain pangs of remorse after sex? Is it the fact of letting myself go to the most natural, free and uncontrolled of acts of pleasure? This letter is no longer a question, because the mere fact of writing it is as if it had given me the answer. And this is one of the reasons why I love your column: you are not only great at answering, but also at listening. I think there are other people like me who found the answer they needed because they knew that on the other side there were those who listened with sincere interest.

– Complicated Reactions Intensify Erotic Dynamics

You don’t need an answer, CRIED, but how about some advice?

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But first: who doesn’t like having a good cry? I don’t mean the uncontrolled sobbing of when a relationship ends or a parent dies. I mean one of those beautiful cathartic cries that can give you a series, a movie or a show. There is a poem by AE Housman, The laws of God, the laws of man (God’s law is the law of man) that moves me every time I think about it; I know it by heart and have never been able to recite it without starting to cry. A few days ago I cried in front of the TV (watching the miniseries It’s a sin), and I don’t think it’s a sign that I have something wrong. On the contrary. That said, if I regularly burst into tears after sex I would warn my partners not to catch them off guard, but I wouldn’t feel guilty. I would also try to reflect on why after sex such strong emotions hit me, CRIED, just like you did.

We come to the council.

You say you cry because after sex you feel drained. You have lost one thing that is precious to you – control – and given your history of eating disorders, losing control makes you feel particularly vulnerable. For almost everyone, there comes a point during sex where they feel they are losing control; no one has the feeling of being in control of their body when that sensation of “falling from the waterfall” arrives that takes us reaching (alone or thanks to others) the so-called point of “orgasmic inevitability”. But to address your particular sensitivity to the feeling of loss of control, CRIED, you should in my opinion look at those who practice bdsm in the submissive role. When a diver has sex he gives up control; she does it by choice, and only for an agreed time frame. As soon as the intercourse or bdsm scene ends, the sub regains control. That is why, when you cry in your loving partner’s arms – at the moment when you feel most emptied – you should focus on what is returned to you rather than what you have given up. Live your emotions, feel free to cry, but instead of considering the tears leaving your body as further emptying, think that they are opening up the space in you – a speck of physical space and a greater emotional space – to welcome the control that is returned to you once sex is over. You feel empty, but you are filling up again.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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