I have a stupid question on the labels. I am a non-binary person indicated at birth as male. In life and in sentimental interests I tend towards femininity. I have a question about the inclusiveness of the word “lesbian”. Does it only apply to women? Or does it include anyone who is feminine and has an attraction to femininity? I want to define myself correctly, without stepping on anyone’s toes.
–All Loves Labeled Inclusively
As a label, ALLI, “lesbian” to me seems pretty binary. It is clear that the meaning of words evolves and changes over time, and that the meaning adjusts to use. But currently “lesbian” means – and is used in that sense, and will almost certainly continue to be – a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted exclusively to women *. And so I just don’t understand, ALLI, why a non-binary person like you (feminine and attracted to femininity) could want to call herself a lesbian. If you are neither woman nor man, ALLI, why would you use such a binary label? (because you feel entitled to use it is another matter, which I delegate to the comments section).
That said, no one can stop you from calling yourself a lesbian. You know what those who dispute those they speak of say cancel culture? That the cancel culture does not exist, is it just a reminder of individual responsibilities? Well, ALLI, there is not even who can decide on people’s identity. There is no identity police that can arrest you or fine you for how you choose to define yourself. There are only people who can find it annoying. In your case, ALLI, some lesbians will certainly find it annoying – Very annoying – but annoyed lesbians certainly can’t stop you from calling yourself a lesbian, any more than Slate’s annoyed columnists can stop Louis CK from filling arenas. Nobody can erase it, just as nobody can tell you who you are.
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I’m flirting with a classmate of mine. He is four years older than me and a certain passion for drugs and some subcultures, but also a lively presence on social media. We are thinking of seeing each other, but I already know that it would be part of an unhealthy serial trend of mine: choosing people who don’t know what they want and can’t commit. Do I enjoy any sex and stop? Or do I stay away to protect myself?
–Should I Fuck This Intriguing New Guy?
It depends. After you recognized this tendency – the tendency to become attached to men who don’t know what they want and / or don’t re-commit – have you been able to enjoy sex with men unable to commit without becoming attached? If the answer is yes, SIFTING, if you are sure not to get involved, then fuck him peacefully. But if the answer is no – if you can’t fuck without getting attached – then don’t.
Widening the shot quite a bit: I’m not referring to you, SIFTING, or your sentimental past, but sometimes, when we tell ourselves that a man is “unable to commit”, he simply doesn’t want to commit to us. And sometimes, when we tell ourselves that a woman “doesn’t know what she wants,” she really doesn’t want us. And that’s fine. It serves to protect the ego. But if we end up believing it – if we convince ourselves – we will suffer to death when the ex, the one who didn’t know what he wanted, suddenly finds out. And it won’t be us.
I am a 31 year old cis woman living in the southern United States. Meeting people here is a nightmare. It seems like everyone got married at twenty-two and are huge fans of Jesus. I just broke up and reopened the apps, and the first date was amazing. He is left-wing, nice and the right age, with the same sense of humor as me. I had a blast, and we swapped numbers. Then nothing. With gritted teeth I sent him a message, and I’m still waiting for an answer. At what point do I have to give it up for lost? And how do you overcome the profound disappointment of being treated like this by someone you were really happy with?
–Ghosts Are Horrible
Last week he called the Savage Lovecast a listener who got angry because a guy was missing, a neighbor whose door he had to pass every day, and one day she saw him carry a corpse out of her apartment on a stretcher. As that meme says, “every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” As for your battle, GAH, you see the bright side. The first date since you returned to the apps went well! There wasn’t a second, and I’m sorry, and assuming he’s not dead he was rude to disappear. But if where you live there was a guy with whom you managed to spend a wonderful evening (even if it ended there), GAH, it is not unthinkable that there could be others with whom you can spend equally wonderful evenings (and that maybe they will lead to something).
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THE OTHER DAY LICKING A FRIEND I SAW AN EXCRESCENCE ON HER BIG LIPS FOR SURE IT WAS NOTHING BUT DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT IT WAS?
I HAVE NO IDEA BUT IF THE EXCRESCENCE IS IN A POINT WHERE YOUR FRIEND CANNOT SEE IT, YOU MUST TELL HER SO GO TO THE DOCTOR.
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I dated a guy for a few weeks and had sex with him, unprotected. Soon after I found out she had herpes. It bothered me because I had condoms on the nightstand. But I also feel partly responsible for not talking about it earlier. A few days later he had an outburst. We kept seeing each other using condoms, until one night I was smoked and he put it on. This is after he first asked me if I wanted to do it again without, and I explicitly asked him to use it. We don’t see each other anymore, but she really looks like a bastard to me. He seemed so kind.
–What The Fuck Was That
What he did, WTFWT, is a bastard. And he’s not kind at all. You can’t do much about it now, other than learning the lesson. First: it is not alluded to. You don’t put a box of condoms on your nightstand hoping he’ll get the message and use them. You tell him that condoms are there to be used, and that his dick, if he’s not wearing one, won’t even come close to your holes. And if the condom magically disappears once it enters your hole, you will file a complaint. Second: some things don’t they ask, whether it is explicitly or not. From now on, WTFWT, certain things do they claim. Without ambiguity and without misunderstandings. And go take your exams.
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Cis, married, straight. But I’m in love with you. If you could, how would you seduce me? I have never had sex with a man because I like the pussy a lot and I like the feeling of the woman, but with you I think I could. You have always been my exception. Where do we start? I’m a poor straight guy who writes to a gay asking him to fuck.
–Lusting After Dan
Straight guys who hit on gays think our reaction is always “OMG is my only chance to fuck a real man!”. The truth, LAD, is that when a straight guy hits on us most of us think, “Christ, this is covering my bird in poop.” Not that the thought prevents some gays from having sex with men who call themselves straight but secretly are bisexual or gay, LAD, nor does it stop some from having sex with the very rare hetero-temporarily-flexible guy who has a crush on. one of us. But it’s always annoying when a straight guy takes it for granted that his heterosexuality is an aphrodisiac that drives gays to madness and asks questions like “If you could, how would you seduce me?” Formulated in this way, the assumption is that I, having the possibility, would try or would like to do so.
Here, I’m a poor gay who responds to a straight guy by saying: get back.
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* A greeting to asexual lesbians, that is, attracted to women emotionally but not sexually, and to aromantic lesbians, who are attracted to women sexually but not emotionally. I see you, with your flags of pride, your Japanese cartoon avatars, and here I affirm the legitimacy of your lesbianism.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
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