Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
Last week my laptop died. He couldn’t die when I was in the office, with capable technicians on hand. No. My laptop lost the will to live while I was thousands of miles away in a country whose language I don’t speak. In short, I did not have access to Savage Love’s email, which is a problem, because without the questions the address book does not exist. So I launched an Instagram sos, asking my followers to send me their dirty questions at point blank range. I wrote the answers on a phone, which at one point I dropped and crumbled the screen, because imagine if it didn’t happen. In short: dead computer, broken phone and bloody thumbs. But with the help of my followers I still managed to assemble the column. Thanks, nice people.
A controversy broke out among the climbers I frequent about a climbing route called “Gangbang”. Opponents say it indicates a type of non-consensual sexual relationship. What do you think about it?
Without consent, the missionary position is not a sexual act but a rape; a gang bang between consenting people is not a rape but a sexual act. That said, in movies, in porn, in literature, etc., gang bangs typically portray situations of non-consensual sex in which women are victims, and it is understandable that some prefer to change the name of that climbing route. So change it.
What do you have to do when you tell a person who is theoretically your friend to stop giving sexual innuendo but she continues to do it?
You realize that he is not a friend and you hang out with real friends.
An English fag in his thirties writes you. I live in Germany. My question: A few weeks ago you phoned the Savage Lovecast an Englishman who lives in the United States, saying that our accent is enough for you to drop your panties. It’s true? Germans don’t find my accent sexy. But if I moved to the United States, I would drown between cocks?
The cock is (ideally) a solid, not a liquid (although, with a powerful enough centrifuge, anything is possible), so here, with cocks, you could choke yourself. And indeed, yes, in the United States the English accent is an advantage, because Americans, unlike Europeans, do not have to put up with crowds of English tourists who come aboard cheap flights to terrorize the city center with their farewell booze. celibacy / hen party, and throwing up on the doormat.
How do I tell friends and family that I have chosen polyamory?
The best way to tell your husband that his armpits have started to smell? (He didn’t have to use deodorant before!)
Using the words!
How do I gently tell my boyfriend that he needs to brush his teeth more often? She is very sensitive to these kinds of comments, but I don’t want her to show up to meetings with lfetid breath!
Using the words! When my breath stinks or I need a shower or some deodorant, and my partner tells me, I am grateful to him because I am an adult. If yours can’t stand certain remarks, you need to ask yourself why you are wasting time with a non-adult person.
I am a 40 year old woman. A 29-year-old dude I was sexting with started sending me nude / sexual photos (even with a face) of another woman he was with, and without her permission. It was exciting to him, repulsive to me. Shall I give him a lesson or will I unload him?
If you go missing, he will assume that those photos (and the very serious breach of privacy they represent) were not the problem, nor a problem in general. He must know. First the lesson, and then many greetings.
Can you explain the difference between transgender and transsexual? There is a lot of discussion on the web about the semantic nuances of these basic definitions, and I would be grateful if you clarify them. Thanks!
These days, definitions and redefinitions alternate so quickly – not to mention the old definitions redefined as “hate speech” – that it doesn’t even make sense to try to answer you. Because when this column comes out, anything I write today could be dated and / or offensive and worth deleting. But as far as I know at the moment, all transgender people are transgender, but not all transgender people are transgender. I hope I have clarified a little.
Do you think we will still see major changes in the way people define their sexual orientation in the future?
In the future, everyone will own their niche sexual orientation for 15 minutes, complete with a new surname and pride flag. And the confusion will only escalate, and everyone will constantly get everyone’s sexual orientation and pronouns and flags wrong, and everyone will be constantly upset. The level of the oceans will rise, and the planet will end up roasted, and as the meteorite whizzes towards Earth we will be there debating whether “cake” is really a pronoun.
How long do passives do the anal shower?
“You can shower them all for a while, and some forever, but not all of them forever.” – Abraham Lincoln
Do you want to marry me?
No. I’m sure you’re adorable, but I already have a sexual husband and boyfriend on the bench (sports reference intended for my brother Billy. Hi, Billy!).
My better half is friends with a lot of exes. I know it’s probably a good sign because it indicates maturity, but I get jealous and I get paranoid. How can I overcome them?
Keep telling yourself that those friendships are a good sign of his maturity, and then come to the logical conclusion: jealousy and paranoia related to his friendships are a bad sign for you. Not fatal for the future of the relationship, but definitely to be investigated with a psychologist.
I’m one of those rare women who come within a minute. How Do I Delay Orgasm?
Whenever this comes up, someone recommends a low dose of ssri (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka antidepressants). Ask your doctor if they are okay with you.
I take antidepressants and I have zero libido! How to come up with sexy moments if you don’t feel sexy at all?
Ask your doctor if you can adjust the dosage – this is the first step. While you are looking for the right dosage, one that, for example, alleviates depression without killing your libido, a little couple sex, even if little felt and a little mechanical, will help to keep you in training, and maybe to regain some momentum.
At what age do you think I should recommend your column and podcast to a teenage child?
I think 15-16 is a good age to start with, but if you really want a teen to read my column and listen to my podcast you don’t have to recommend them. Savage Love and the Savage Lovecast. You must forbid them!
We’re moving into a new house next month, and we can’t wait to accumulate some good sexual memories there too. If you moved, with what sexual act would you inaugurate the new house, and in which room? We don’t know where to start.
For me it would be a playoff between greenhouse with the candlestick or library with the lead pipe.
Having two young children during the pandemic didn’t leave us much time for intimacy. How does a married couple manage to catch up on a few frictions in bed? For now, a little bit of separate sport and time seems to help. Do you have any other ideas?
Separate exercise and time certainly help. Another tip: spend time together in a place (bar, nightclub, party) where people flirt with strangers. The goal is not to go home with others or take them home together, but to see your spouse through their eyes. Seeing a person who wants to fuck your husband or wife will remind you of all the reasons why you wanted to fuck your husband or wife.
Fun things to do with balls? Lick them, caress them and… what else? I’m afraid my testicular approach is starting to show the chord.
A little pressure – initially gentle – can be very pleasant, so add some tugging and squeezing (pulling does not mean tugging! Jerking is not recommended!).
My husband recently found out that he likes punches on the balls. How to give them to him without taking risks?
Punches and Kicks: Other fun things to do with balls. But when balls are involved, even a minimal impact can have big effects. Balls can snap and break, and the risk of causing serious damage cannot be completely eliminated. In short, slowly with the punches, and kicks that are more symbolic than energetic.
The most important thing to keep in mind at the beginning of a relationship?
Newborn relationships hardly “work” in the sense of “together for life”. And if it is true that the stable ones are very beautiful, in addition to being what most people (although not all) are looking for, mostly there are short ones. And it is more likely to have a good short relationship, and to judge it positively in retrospect, if you do not consider it a failed stable relationship but a successful short relationship.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)