Sveltine – Dan Savage – International

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

Quick question about bisexuality. What if a person prefers heterosexuals? To me, a straight woman, I only care about straight men. Do I have any phobia? Or is it okay to have that preference? It is a question that I have always wanted to ask, but I am afraid of being phobic.

– Nervously Asking Dan Something

In my opinion you are fine, NADS, provided you have taken a moment to reflect on why you have taken on this “preference”. Sexual attraction, orientation and preferences are easily distorted and inhibited by prejudice. By reflecting on the possible origins of your “preference” for straight men (or who say they are), NADS, you may open up to more partners. But you can also reflect day and night for decades without ever changing your mind. At the very least, however, we can all think about our erotic and / or sexual inclinations, take responsibility for them, express them respectfully and try – perhaps most importantly – not to lose them on the way. I don’t like the concept of shame, but not finding a certain group of people attractive for some reason is something that can be kept quiet, not only so as not to hurt people we are not attracted to, but not to pass on our prejudices and prejudices to the next generation. our limits.

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My wife and I (lesbian mom couple) were invited to her cousin’s wedding. She marries the son of a former Republican politician from our state who, in the early 2000s, used state power against gays, and in particular against gay parents. The son not only never distanced himself from him, but he converted his future wife, my cousin in law, to Trumpism. If that matters, they are more golf club homophobes than hounds, they want to look integrated and nice, and now they live in a very progressive city where they hide their opinions so as not to be marginalized. I don’t know how to react, maybe not doing it? By mentioning the father’s positions in the reply to the invitation? Forever avoiding any family occasion they are present at? I don’t want my kids to hang out with them, but I also think I should set an example. It’s that the idea of ​​showing up in a suit and tie at a Trumpian wedding in the heart of a republican state makes me fear for my safety. What would you do?

I would politely decline, having a broken toaster and the wrong receipt delivered.

One of my cult films is “Shakespeare for Breakfast”. Ok, it’s a movie I LOVE. But his point of view on homosexuality disturbs me. Not what is called “a modern perspective”. In my opinion, the portrait he offers of homosexuality can be interpreted as curious, disturbing or as a simple historical-cultural moment. In my opinion it is all three. My son is gay and – with proper introductory excuses – I’d like to tell him to watch it. Excuse me too, Savage, if I use it as an arthouse ballon, even though I know it’s not exactly the typical gay, if it exists. But did you see the film? And if so, what do you think?

– Friend Of Withnail

I haven’t seen the movie, but a quick Google search for “Shakespeare at breakfast” and “homophobic” yields nearly a hundred thousand results. Apparently one of the protagonists (Uncle Monty) is a “homosexual predator” who makes a series of unwelcome advances to another protagonist. “Is it a homophobic movie? Yes, without a doubt, ”writes Philip Caveney on the Bouquets & Brickbats blog. Richard Griffiths, the actor who plays Monty, “somehow manages to arouse a sincere compassion for a tragic and (above all) very lonely character, but all those hints of forced sodomy arouse a certain discomfort.” It’s a 1987 movie, which doesn’t justify its homophobia, it goes without saying, but I challenge you to find a 1987 blockbuster that wasn’t deeply homophobic by action (the gay characters portrayed with hatred) or omission (the complete absence of gay characters). In any case, FOW, the film does not portray homosexuality, but a homosexual character. It was certainly a harmful portrait at the time, when gays were very little represented in movies and on TV. But seen today – in an age that sees gay people represented in cinema and on TV as never before – it doesn’t have the same power to do harm. So recommend it to your son, FOW, with the appropriate premises and apologies.

A dude I really liked just left me in a really brutal and disrespectful way. Not wanting to tell me it was over, she started walking away letting me get there by myself. We had been together for a year, and in the meantime he also got together with someone else without bothering to tell me, but not even to hide it from me. I feel depressed and deeply sad because I still like him and miss him and don’t know what to do.

– Sad And Depressed Over New Ending

If he did that… if he left you like that… you didn’t really like him. You didn’t like him. It was the idea of ​​him that had formed in your head. He gave you the outline of a good person and you filled him with everything you hoped he was, which is a kind, affectionate and respectable man who liked you as much as you did. Or at least one, SADONE, who cared enough about your feelings to leave you, just in case, in a gentle and sensitive way. You can and should be sad because you lost the man you hoped he was, but not who he turned out to be. That is an asshole.

I was listening Savage Lovecast (episode 750), and you responded to a guy who ejaculated faster than he would have liked. I meant that I, as a female, have had a male partner who always came twice. The first came quickly and he was living it well, recognizing that this was how it worked. We changed condoms, and the second lasted much longer! Live it well, guys! There is no shame in how your body works.

– Come And Come Again

This is good advice for those with premature ejaculation (Ep) – avoid repressing the first orgasm, the second is more likely to take longer – but it applies more to young men, who have a shorter refractory period. As we age, a man’s refractory period lengthens; If your partner’s second orgasm took 12-24 hours to come, well, that’s that long, with or without a condom. Mature men with premature ejaculation can try low-dose SSRIs, which are antidepressants; one of their side effects is delayed ejaculation, and studies show that they are quite effective in treating Ep.

I read your response to DTFOMBNB, the gay man who wanted an intimate, sexless relationship and the freedom to have casual sex elsewhere. You pointed to asexuals and cuckolds as potential partners on the “sexless intimacy” front, Dan, but I would add one possibility: I’m a gay over 50 who has relatively recently discovered that he is on the autism spectrum. Specifically, having Asperger’s syndrome. The diagnosis was one of the fruits of my first stable relationship with cohabitation, during which I discovered that I could not manage intense emotional and physical intimacy at the same time. I loved my boyfriend and I was very attached to what we shared. I loved talking, cuddling, traveling, etc. But adding to all of this sexual intimacy was just too much. I cannot say that my experience mirrors that of all people with autism, but the type of relationship described by DTFOMBNB is very similar to how I imagine my possible future relationship. The bad news is that virtually all of the men interested in a relationship I meet on the sites are looking for the combination of emotional and sexual intimacy, so it’s not easy. But men like me, who are looking for what DTFOMBNB wants, undoubtedly exist.

– A Sexual Partnership Isn’t Essential

Given the number of couples where sex disappears, SPIE, the assumption that a not insignificant percentage of the population desires a sexless relationship makes sense. But as long as those who want intimacy without sex do not feel like making the request, as long as those like you and DTFOMBNB think that no one else can want what they have to offer, and for this they will not offer it, that is, they will not say it on the apps , you will have a hard time finding yourself.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)