The beauty of our inner chaos – Arthur C. Brooks

Today, young people have a habit of describing themselves as “screwed up”. Despite the qualifier with a millennial flavor – not only “screwed up”, but also “ugly” – the expression is not new. The first examples date back to the nineteenth century. In 1899 a columnist wrote that “if the newspapers say that the sky is painted with green chalk, then it is. I confess that the readers are really messed up ”.

When people use this term they generally don’t mean that they are on the run from the mafia, that they are trapped in a love triangle, or that they have woken up without a kidney after a night of partying. On the contrary, they want to communicate their state of deep emotional distress: they are insecure, neurotic, aware that everyone is aware of their pitiful state. Or at least that’s what they think. In truth, we often believe we are much more messed up than we actually are. Understanding this fact and acting accordingly can help us relax and enjoy our messed up life a little more.

A well-documented phenomenon in psychology is that which leads healthy, normal people – non-narcissistic or sociopathic – to focus more on their negative aspects. Most individuals experience self-criticism in two ways. On the one hand, there is comparative self-criticism, in which the person compares himself negatively to others, whom he considers superior to himself. On the other hand, there is internalized self-criticism, in which the person does not believe that he is up to his own high standards and expectations and consequently experiences a daily feeling of failure.

Distorted perceptions
The reason why a person feels that they are worse than others is not necessarily related to real evaluations. On the contrary, this person is likely to suffer from a disorder called Self-other knowledge asymmetry (Soka, Asymmetry of perception between oneself and others), that is, it evaluates more accurately the traits that it hides from others while others are more accurate in evaluating other characteristics. Several studies show that the individual is the best judge of his own neuroticism, while the people closest to him judge his intellect better. Finally, everyone can judge his extroversion.

Many people favor this asymmetry by convincing themselves that by admitting their weaknesses others will perceive them in a more negative way. We are usually merciless with our weaknesses, so we keep them hidden. At the same time, we are forgiving of the shortcomings of others and sometimes we even find them attractive. Some psychologists speak of the effect beautiful mess, nice mess. Wrongly, we think that others will judge us harshly if we admit a mistake or ask for help, when in reality people view vulnerability as a tender trait, or a sign of character.

Comparing yourself to others makes all of these effects worse. Thinking about the way others see us – “meta perception” – seems to help us understand ourselves better, but unfortunately the conclusions we draw from it tend to be wrong. We have the impression that others are more integrated, but it is only the effect of the Soka. Social confrontation leads us to conclude that we are unusually deficient.

Social networks magnify the problem by encouraging all users to post only happy or self-celebrating speeches. We observe our friends as they stroll on a sunny day, smiling, sociable and cheerful. They may have cried desperately or yelled at their partner a few hours ago, but we will never know. Nobody writes, “My son just got off his math again. #terrible!”. But if our brains were a Facebook profile, this is precisely the type of update that would be posted almost every day. This means that we compare a negatively distorted version of ourselves with a carefully sweetened portrayal of others. This, inevitably, can lead us to think we are “really messed up”.

A question of empathy
If we leave these tendencies free to develop, the reward for this self-awareness will be a life of pain and self-sabotage. Fortunately, there are two strategies that can bring some relief.

Accurate self-perception and meta-perception need a knowledge of one’s own prejudices. If we are left free to follow our instincts we could easily convince ourselves that we are “messed up” with respect to others. But being aware of the errors that lead us to this conclusion can help us better evaluate our existence. The next time you feel ashamed of your inadequacies, ponder two facts:

1. You are the only people who can see into your head.

2. Others suffer in their heads too, just like you.

Once you have assimilated these two truths, you can follow the second meditation in its second logical step: sharing your feelings to show compassion for others regarding the suffering they are likely to hide within themselves. If every time you feel insecure or anxious you remember that others are too, then you can use your weaknesses as a bridge. Admit others you have negative emotions and ask them to tell you theirs. It’s amazing how much this process helps people open up, facilitate deep communication, and feel better.

Being open about your suffering to help others is also a form of self-compassion. It allows you to understand your pain without overdoing negative judgments and treating it as a part of the normal human condition. This kind of self-compassion improves mental health more than self-esteem-stimulating approaches in which one tries to change one’s self-assessment. For example, the next time you are nervous about a conversation with someone, instead of trying to force yourself to be more confident, tell the other person that you are nervous. In all likelihood he will think you are charming and funny, a gift. And if he judges you negatively, it highlights his problems more than yours.

If you feel in a position to do so, you might even take the more radical approach: accept your “mess” as a gift. In this way you could develop your creativity and push yourself to seek new experiences, increasing your happiness. To understand how this works, consider room studies from people. The bottom line is that although a certain order can produce benefits such as pushing us to feed ourselves properly or donating to charities, a little chaos stimulates the production of creative ideas. Messing up frees you from conventionality and inspires deep and new thoughts.

You can easily imagine the same mechanism inside your head: when everything is clean and tidy you are good at following a predetermined path, while when it seems to you that there is a tornado in your feelings the result may not be pleasant, but it will help you discover new ways of living. The mess you try to hide could be a ticket to a visionary experience.

(Translation by Andrea Sparacino)