The front window – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I am a 40 year old gay male. I live in a densely populated neighborhood of a large city. Since the pandemic began, I have been working at home, sitting at the kitchen table, in front of a large window. In front of me is an apartment with a terrace, on which one day I saw a handsome and muscular young man. A few weeks later, I ran into him at a neighborhood liquor store. One night I was looking for some porn, and to my surprise I found nude photos of her along with a link to her OnlyFans. I immediately signed up, watched everything there, including videos of having sex with men, and I admit it: I came. I tipped him and wrote in the comments what kind of content he should upload in my opinion. He accepted my suggestions and I left him more tips. Last week he came knocking at me to ask if I had cables for the car battery__. That evening I found a box of beers in front of my door and a note thanking me for my help. I went back to his page and came down hard drinking one of his beers. I don’t want to have sex with him, he’s not my type and he’s too young. But it turns me on knowing that I can open photos of his cock whenever I want and that for a few bucks he is willing to do anything. I wonder if I’m crossing a line. He clearly doesn’t know that his neighbor jerks off watching him, and I guess he prefers to keep his pornographic life separate from his private one. Should I be ashamed?

– Rear Window

You know one thing about your neighbor that he doesn’t know that you know, RW: knowledge is power, and exercising power can be exciting. The imbalances of power are so exciting that in their absence someone invents them. There are those who get excited by having less power (or giving up what they have) and those who get excited by having (or allowing themselves to be granted) more. As long as it is all consensual and no one exploits or is exploited, RW, there is nothing to be ashamed of (please note: in order that in power games or consensual physical relationships that involve a significant imbalance of power no one is exploited, careful skill is needed. self-analysis, good communication skills and willingness to negotiate and renegotiate).

What you are doing is consensual and no one is exploited. Your sexy neighbor posts content aimed at gay and bisexual men – as well as straight and bisexual women – and the risk of being recognized in a store or on the street is always present. Jerking off watching his videos, enjoying that slightest imbalance of power and helping him pay his bills isn’t disgusting. That’s the way the porn industry works today.

But even if the sexy neighbor isn’t ashamed of the job he does – and I really hope not, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of – maybe he’d rather not be reminded that neighbors might jerk off to his videos (or be sure that at least one does). If the relationship deepens – I guess next time, meeting him in a store, you’ll say hello – if you become acquainted and he tells you how he makes a living, RW, then you should tell him you’re subscribed to his channel. Until then, though, I’d tend to keep my mouth shut and my wallet open. Practicing discretion does not mean sharing or reinforcing prejudices about porn; it means assuming – reasonably – that whoever is in his position sets limits, and respecting them.

Finally, RW, I don’t know if I believe you when you say he’s not your type, considering how many times you’ve splashed on his videos. And if he is too young for you – setting a threshold is fine – whether for him the forties are too old or not is up to him to decide.

My girlfriend gave me an impromptu blowjob on our way to a party. Once they arrived, he kissed the guest – a common (and vaccinated) friend – on the mouth. She made a weird face. Although I take care of personal hygiene, we are almost certain that the guest has smelled my bird on her. Should he avoid kissing her? Apologize and go wash your face before doing it? What does etiquette entail?

– Where That Mouth Has Been

Kissing a person who just gave a blow job is a risk we all run when we kiss someone other than the one we are with. Let’s face it: it’s a risk that some of us run even kissing the person they’re with. But anyone who has just given a blowjob should kindly kiss on the cheek. Unless you kiss the person he gave the blowjob to, of course, in which case mouth open and tongue out.

***

I am a woman who goes for 40, recently polyamorous. I am part of a threesome, which I find beautiful and a lot of fun, and I also have a boyfriend. The reason I’m writing to you is him. Our relationship has regained a lot of energy and we spend a lot of time together. I recently met the girl he’s been with for a year and a half, and it derailed me. He told her every little detail of our relationship. He knew everything about me, every joke that only us understand, and so many of our intimate things that it made me very uncomfortable. I knew little or nothing about her, and it was really embarrassing. Obviously it is a limit that I did not know I had. I felt betrayed, and it was like discovering that among us there is a peeping tom spying on us. I like him a lot, but now I don’t know what to do. How can I think that there is something special between us, if he then goes to the other to tell her everything? He told me he is willing to to correct the shot, but I don’t want to force him to change, nor have to trust that he doesn’t go and tell her everything. Is it a trait of polyamorous relationships that I just have to accept?

Newly Poly Problems

You don’t want him to do anything different – you don’t want to force him to change – but you don’t want him to keep doing what he does. I’m sorry, NPP, but you have to choose: either he changes, in the sense that he “fixes the shot” and stops telling everything to the other, or he doesn’t change and you have to accept that the other knows everything. Or, if the problem is that the other knows everything about you while you know little or nothing about her, NPP, the boyfriend can “correct the shot”, or “change”, starting to tell you everything about her. But there is a third possibility (or is it the fourth? I lost count): you can leave it. If you don’t want him to change, but you don’t want him to keep doing what he’s doing to you, NPP, let him do it to someone else.

Is there a solution to stay together? Maybe. It would be helpful to know why he treats you differently. Did you ask him? Maybe the other wants to know everything about the people she’s dating – because knowing excites her, because it makes her feel safer, because a little bit of both – and she lacked the tact, the courage or the experience to ask you what. you would have preferred. If he apologized and explained the reason for the different treatment – and if the apology seemed sincere, and the explanation satisfactory – you could try letting him adjust the trick to make you feel more comfortable, and give him time to prove you. that he has changed… assuming you allow him to change.

Finally, NPP, you will have to get used to things like this if you want to continue exploring polyamory. Most pole pairs tend to say too much rather than too little. There are those of the other partners who want to know only broadly, NPP, but also those who want the smallest details. If you don’t want your partner to tell other partners intimate things, you need to ask them not to.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)