November 23, 2022 3:57 pm
Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am a married gay man from Southern California. I also have a boyfriend who also has a partner. Both he and his partner used to live nearby, but moved to Seattle in August. The reason for their transfer still puzzles me. They didn’t do it for work, or to get closer to families, or for any of the reasons people usually move. My boyfriend says it was a little bit about the weather and a little bit about the people. The problem, from my point of view, is that both he and his partner tend to be introverted – they don’t go out much – and I don’t understand what difference the climate or the people can make. The biggest problem is that, since we’ve been together, my boyfriend has always tried to “place” me with his partner. I generally rejected the offers, but one evening I gave in. His partner and I started kissing and touching, and it wasn’t bad. The strange thing, the one that still bothers me today, was my boyfriend’s reaction. He stared at us with a very strange expression, as if watching us in action excited him to death, as if he were a mad voyeur. That look shocked me so much that I stopped immediately, making any excuse. I recently met another person who had a similar experience with him. She told me that they saw each other on cam, and that my boyfriend always involved his partner. My boyfriend has repeatedly told me that his partner cannot find sexual partners on his own. I think the real reason he moved was to find a new pool of men, in the hope of finding one for his partner sooner or later. If my reasoning makes sense, then my boyfriend has been very unfair to our relationship. I don’t know much about cuckolding and I need some advice. How can you be with a person whose only goal is the sexual satisfaction of his partner?
– Confused About Lad’s Departure And Deceit
Moving to Seattle for the “climate” seems a bit irrational to me. But I understand that an introverted couple might prefer gray Seattle, where I live, to sunny California. When it’s nice outside, you feel like you have to go out. But it’s never nice in Seattle. We have a rainy season from November to the end of July (too much water to go out) and now, thanks to the catastrophe of climate change, also a fire season from August to the end of October (too much smoke to go out). In Seattle, if you look out the window, you don’t think: “I really have to go out for a walk, with the risk of meeting another human being”. You think, “I have to go back to the cellar and play video games.”
As for Seattle folks, well… newcomers, even the most outgoing ones, all complain about the local chill. But if your boyfriend and his partner are just looking for fuck buddies they’re in luck. Here the birds are soaked nine months of the year and the other three they smell of smoke, but there are plenty of them.
As for all the other issues you raise…
So, CALDAD, I’m not your boyfriend and I can’t tell you exactly what’s on his mind. But I feel I can say that he’s not your boyfriend anymore. Not only has he moved (with his partner) leaving you alone (with your husband) in Southern California, but you, CALDAD, seem to despise him – for what motivates him, for his sexual tastes and for his partner – and from contempt it is difficult to go back. But since you’re no longer in a relationship with him, you don’t have to worry about making it work (forgive the harshness, CALDAD, but it’s better to hear it from me than from the commenters).
Then: is your ex boyfriend a cuckold? Maybe. From how you describe his behavior the night you hooked up with his partner, it sure sounds like he’s turned on by watching him have sex with others. It is also possible that he shares with his main partner the cocks that he buys elsewhere. Obviously it’s not a bad thing to be a cuckold, just as it’s not a bad thing to “place” your partner on others… provided that 1) your partner likes to be placed, and 2.) you don’t nag others to do things with your partner which they don’t want to do.
However, if the ex was only interested in his partner, CALDAD, he had taken her away, to say the least. Establishing a stable d/s relationship with a married man when really you just want someone to fuck your partner in front of you… seems like a lot of work when Grindr is full of men willing to fuck your ex’s boyfriend while he watches without forcing him to start a stable relationship. Combining between you and his partner could be one of your ex’s goals, but to say it was the only belief would be unfair.
And honestly, CALDAD, I’m wondering what you expected from your ex when you started fucking his partner in front of him. Did you think he would stand there impassive, looking totally indifferent, feeling nothing? If yes, CALDAD, your expectations weren’t very realistic. And I get the feeling that if he had stood there looking bored or indifferent, you would have felt just as uncomfortable and annoyed. If I fuck another guy’s boyfriend in front of him, CALDAD, I hope he finds it hot. But what am I saying, if the boyfriend of the one I’m fucking didn’t react like a crazy voyeur, I’d stop immediately.
In all fairness, CALDAD, I don’t think your ex was unfair. He really liked you, that’s why he was with you, and he wanted to share his partner with you. If you didn’t want to date, you had to keep saying no. And when you started banging, you must have wanted (and expected) your ex to enjoy the show.
PS On the off chance that CALDAD’s ex reads us: welcome to Seattle! Whether you’re a cuckold or a pimp, both or neither, you need to be clearer with your sexual partners (in person, online, anywhere) about what you do, what you want them to do, and why you want them to do it. There are plenty of men who enjoy threesomes, cuckolding and placing their partner on others, so there’s no need to be the sneaky manipulator all the time, which is the impression you risk giving if you don’t clarify what you intend to do (share your partner) and why (you are cuckold, or your partner is not good at it, or both).
I read your column very often and have noticed a recurring pattern. He texts you a straight guy saying he’s straight and likes pussy, but he’s recently discovered he’s also attracted to trans women. Then he asks a question like: “How to define my sexual orientation now?”. To which you say something like, “You’re straight. Trans women are women who happen to have dicks.” Great answer! I don’t disagree, but in your place I would say: “You are not gay because trans women are not men. They are women with dicks. Since you are attracted to women, you can continue to call yourself straight, if you feel it fits you. Or you can call yourself queer.” The word queer, as I understand it, has a broad meaning that includes any kind of sexuality or gender expression that does not fit conventional expectations. It seems appropriate to me that these straight men adopt the term queer.
– Mulling Over Labels
It may seem fitting to you, MOL, that straight men who sleep with trans women describe themselves as queer, but many trans women disagree.
“When people find out that a famous man is dating a trans woman and they automatically think he’s gay, that’s a big deal, because it’s denying that trans women are women,” Laverne Cox said in speaking to Angelica Ross about the struggles trans women face. in sentimental life. “You can be completely straight even if you like trans women” (Cox and Ross conversed on an episode of Cox’s talk show If we’re being honest.)
It follows that any straight person who calls himself queer because he likes and/or fucks and/or is with a trans woman would be guilty of denying his partner female status. And any gay sex advice columnist calling on straight men who like/fuck/date trans women to consider themselves queer would quickly be swept out of the industry as a terf. However, I remain convinced that a straight man who dates trans women in the open, while not less straight than any straight man, is definitely something more than the average straight man – more confident in himself, in his sexuality, more destined to be a good partner for any woman he finds himself dating, cis or trans.
Mind you: cis men who date trans women aren’t always straight: some, as Cox pointed out on his show, are bisexual or pansexual or omnisexual. And there are also trans women who are both queer is hetero. And this is where it really gets complicated. A cis heterosexual male who is with a trans woman is undoubtedly in a relationship with a queer person; it can be argued that the same relationship is queer. But being in a queer relationship—being the cis heterosexual boyfriend of a trans woman or the cis heterosexual wife of a bisexual man, or the allosexual partner of an asexual person—does not automatically make the cis heterosexual person queer.
But you know what? The world is going cowish, and if a cis heterosexual male dating a trans woman wants to call himself queer — if he wants to round up to queer — and the woman he’s with is okay with him adopting the term queer, she can safely call herself queer .
PS Not all trans women have dicks.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
Savage love is a sex and relationship advice column published in The Stranger. Send your questions to [email protected]