Home » The reality of fantasies – Dan Savage

The reality of fantasies – Dan Savage

by admin

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I’m a 33-year-old straight woman, I’ve been with my husband for ten, married for six. When we got together, I was extremely jealous. Fortunately, I learned to control myself thanks to a lot of therapy. When I did, however, I began to fantasize about him having sex with others. We brought these fantasies into the bedroom – just as fantasies – and it was very exciting. Anyway, a year ago I had a son. It took me some time for the libido to come back, but then it came back with great fanfare__. I am constantly horny. To the point that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another city had started flirting, I immediately asked him to find out if anything could come of it. He, with my permission, told her I could be one cuckquean(at the moment we are stuck at “I could”, because we haven’t done it yet). She was interested, and their flirtation grew.

She will be coming to town for work shortly. Having never done such things, I felt my unexciting jealousy resurface. We decided that my husband would do nothing with her, other than a quick drink. But she asked him to have dinner with both of them. So the dynamics change, so I accepted. But now I swing between excitement and anxiety. Will I be there to watch or participate? (being bisexual, it is not to be excluded). The two of them already have a relationship, and I’m afraid of feeling left out. I am writing to you because I am unable to resolve this cognitive dissonance. A moment before the idea of ​​realizing the fantasy turns me on to the point that I have to run and masturbate in secret. A moment later I’m afraid of what would happen if I saw him more interested in her than in me. I can’t interpret my feelings. If I have so many doubts, I am really one cuckquean?

–Completely Confused Cuckquean

When I showed your letter to Venus, presenter of the Venus cuckoldress podcast, he replied with three words and an exclamation point: “The ghostly cuckquean! “. The cuckolding is a “one-way open relationship” – as Venus likes to call it – consensual and between people who love each other, and cuckold they are mostly men. In nature it is rare to meet one cuckquean, i.e. a woman who gets aroused if her husband or boyfriend sleeps with others. Over the years I have received hundreds of letters from men who wanted to do cuckold (some gay, most straight or bi), but just a handful from women like you, CCC. You are a red primrose, a black swan, a precious stone.

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And the feeling you describe – that mixture of excitement and fear, curiosity and apprehension – is so common among aspiring and sometimes practitioners. cuck that Venus has dedicated a name to her (and an entire block of her podcast): cuckolding anxiety. “That sort of angst is part of the beautiful complexity of a relationship cuckolding”Says Venus. “Being able not only to process and overcome harmful jealousy, but to make it highly erotic, on an emotional level, is a real undertaking. It’s something I admire very much in cuckold as in cuckqueans”.

L’ansiada cuckolding it can be confusing, CCC, but it’s not a fault. If you can control it and the result deserves it – and if your husband helps you to manage it sensitively – you can come to feel ready to fulfill your fantasies. But as with bungee jumping, to say, there will be a little fear.

“It can be beautiful and a moment later terrible,” says Venus. “But your partner, as you do this, will play a central role in reassuring and supporting you. I know of a wife who, before her first meeting with another man, wrote to her husband cuckold an affectionate letter, to read in case of anxiety from cuckolding. And obviously that was what he needed. Thanks to that, the husband was able to process the anxiety leaving room for the excitement and thrill of thinking about his wife with another man ”.

The partner of a cuckold or one cuckquean it must maintain a delicate balance. Your husband must first acknowledge your insecurities and help minimize them by reassuring you, CCC, but they don’t want them to go away completely. For most of the cuck, the point is the eroticization of insecurity: no insecurity, no thrill. And while the effort may seem substantial, for those who don’t share the kink (or have one that requires emotional preparation and subsequent attention) the results – the shared experiences, the bonds that are established, the orgasms – can be fantastic. “But get ready for the ups and downs,” warns Venus, “because the cuckolding, for emotions, it’s an eight-wheeler ”.

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And please – Please, please, please – not to scapicollarti doing the cuckquean only because it goes to town on weekends. “The key to success is to go slowly,” explains Venus. “There is always room to push flirtation and provocation a little further: backing up because you’ve run too much is never easy.”

Recovering from a bad threesome that triggered feelings of jealousy isn’t easy, CCC, but possible. With the cuckolding – where we usually do wants becoming jealous and / or feeling inadequate – a negative first experience can destroy the relationship. To find out where the line between “good / bad” feelings (exciting jealousy) and “bad / bad” (unexciting jealousy) lies, it takes time and a bad communication skills, CCC, more.

Follow Venus on Twitter (@CuckoldressV).

I’m a 30-year-old lesbian who listens to your podcast and reads your column religiously. I am in a stable monogamous couple, very much in love with my girlfriend. I recently told her that I want to explore my fantasies and my sexuality, and that therefore I need an open or at least monogamous couple. She doesn’t seem interested. Maybe we are not sexually compatible and have to break up, but what if I then try my fantasies (swingers, orgies, BDSM) and find that I don’t really like them? I would have given up on an otherwise great relationship for nothing. These are things I haven’t tried yet, wouldn’t I better keep jerking off thinking about it? The idea that excites me most is getting fucked by a group of women with strap-ons. Sometimes I feel close to one of those sexual revelations that change your life, other times I just want to stay at home with the dog. What should I do? Do I keep masturbating to my fantasies or do you see a bright kinky future for me?

–Suddenly Thinking Repeatedly About Passionate Orgies Now

You have to evaluate the hypotheses, STRAPON.

If you think that staying with your girlfriend, not fulfilling these fantasies and not being able to fully explore them will cause you resentment towards her, and that that resentment will be the cancer that kills the relationship – if that is the hypothesis – then you must leave her now. . But if you don’t enjoy the experience of getting drilled by a platoon of beautiful women because you regret having ditched your girlfriend for “trivial” things like erotic fantasies that are easier to imagine than to realize – if the hypothesis is this – then you make the decision not to realize them (I use quotes for “trivial” because I think sexual fantasies are not trivial at all).

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But let me add: when you think about putting your fantasies aside, it is not with your girlfriend that you see yourself in the privacy of your home, STRAPON, but with the dog. Here, from the future of kink I come to announce that, after an orgy or a BDSM party, you can return home with the dog peacefully. In short, you can have orgies, and parties, and the dog; the only thing you may not have is your girlfriend.

But is that what you want? Or do you want the dog?

If you want it all – the girlfriend, the dog and the adventures – maybe there is still a way. Your girlfriend, you say, “doesn’t seem” interested in opening up the couple. Which means it doesn’t rule it out. So it’s up to me to venture a hypothesis, STRAPON: perhaps the girlfriend would have reacted differently to the proposal to open the couple if you, in these hypothetical adventures, had involved her? Instead of saying “I want to have some exciting sexual experiences with other women alone while you wait for me at home with the dog”, try saying “I would like to have some exciting sexual experience with you: together, the two of us and some beautiful woman interested in both! “. Inviting her to have fun with you, STRAPON, instead of asking her permission to have fun behind her back, can turn that apparent “no” into a “yes” which, with a little time, patience and sincere communication, can even become a yes enthusiastic.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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