Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I have a problem (not bad as an opening, huh?). I am a cis woman of about sixty, with a cis male lover of about thirty. The problem is, my vagina is extremely tight. Sometimes I bleed a little after penetration and then pee burns, but only for a short time. We only get to see each other every two weeks, so I can’t count on frequency to “spread out”. I was previously diagnosed with vaginal atrophy, which for many women can cause pain during vaginal penetrations. We are using Uberlube with silicone, which helped but didn’t take away the pain. Some advice? For three months I have been doing vaginal applications of estradiol, which helps my dryness in general, but not so much in case of penis penetration, even though he says he feels more soft inside. I really need some advice because, as much as I enjoy having sex with him, I will be forced to pause vaginal penetrations for the discomfort they cause me. I must also add that, before him, I hadn’t had sex for 17 years. I’m embarrassed to admit it but it might help you answer my questions.
– Age-Gap Enhancing Intense Sexual Treats
PS He’s the one who made me advances. I was initially mortified but have since left behind the prejudices about relationships with large age gaps. Oh, and last night I enjoyed the “thrilling” experience of having my anus licked for the first time!
“Vaginal atrophy is very common among women and people with vagina, and can make not only vaginal but any type of penetration painful,” says Dr. Lori Brotto, clinical psychologist, writer and researcher in the sexual field at the University of British Columbia. “And while Uberlube is a fantastic external lubricant that makes sex more comfortable, it does nothing to moisten the vagina.”
According to Dr. Brotto, your idea – that more frequent penetrations can help you – is correct, but you don’t have to wait for your lover to return for this to happen. “The benefits of regular vaginal dilation for people who haven’t been penetrated for a long time are well known,” says Brotto. “And therefore I would advise AGEIST, in periods in which he is not having sex with his partner, to use a dilator – or perhaps a dildo – to practice solo vaginal penetration. She should do it at least once a week, with copious amounts of lubricant, also feeding herself with fantasies or erotic productions to stimulate her mental arousal ”.
You don’t have to simulate a fuck with a dilator or a dildo (and a dilator, in this case, is just a dildo with another name); on the contrary, gently insert the lubricated dilator, remember to breathe, and then – when it’s all in – read erotic literature or watch porn. And then, if you like, masturbate until you cum. When you are with your lover, do the same but with his dick. Put his penis in your vagina without thinking only of his pleasure. It’s yours that matters. When you feel ready to be fucked by him, don’t feel obligated to carry on until he’s done. Just let him fuck you as long as it’s comfortable and / or pleasurable for you, and then move on to something else you both like if he’s not done.
Dr. Brotto also advises you to talk to your gynecologist and ask him if you should switch to a different vaginal estrogen intake system – there are lozenges, creams and rings, in addition to the insertions you are using – and at the same time reshape the vaginal estrogen. doses. “She might also consider seeing a pelvic physiotherapist if some of the discomfort she feels comes from a stiffness in the pelvic wall,” says Brotto. “Pelvic wall physiotherapists know very effective exercises to relieve vaginal pain. In addition, some positions can increase the vagina pain that they already feel: AGEIST and her lover should therefore try various positions. And since the length and girth of a partner’s penis can also be a factor, some couples use OhNut (www.ohnut.co), a series of rings that can be placed at the base of the penis shaft to reduce length ” .
It’s also important that you feel excited – and not afraid – of your lover joining you. Knowing that you can be impatient to do what you like and feel good about, and knowing that he doesn’t expect you to suffer and endure what makes you feel bad (even if that means not putting your penis in your vagina to the moment) will not only be the only way to feel relaxed and energized. But also the fastest world to resume vaginal penetration in the future. Good luck.
You can follow Dr. Brotto in the new Netflix documentary series, The principles of pleasurewhich will be released on March 22 (the first episode is dedicated to the erogenous parts of the female anatomy, AGEIST, and Dr. Brotto suggests that you watch it with your partner).
PS There is no need to put “exciting” in quotes when talking about anilingus!
For twenty years I have had an intermittent relationship with the same man, whom I met when I was about twenty. Even if we don’t look alike at all – I’m kinky and adventurous, he has ordinary, extremely ordinary sexual tastes – we always end up getting back together. The problem is, whenever we have the slightest disagreement, he stops talking to me. Usually for weeks, sometimes for months. The last time it happened was when I moved a year ago. He was helping me but he got angry when he didn’t hear my directions, and I was upset. He hasn’t talked to me for eleven months! He has contacted him many times, but he has only replied to me recently. So we made plans to meet. But when I call him to ask him when he will come to pick me up, he says “I forgot I had any other plans tonight!”. This is an event that I am not allowed to attend, because “it’s a work thing”, but his ex-girlfriend will be there. She may be there, but not me, a person he has known for twenty years! I got mad, of course, and asked him to call me after the event. But he didn’t. I can’t show any disapproval without him then ignoring me indefinitely, and even though she’s always been like that, she still hurts me. Months of silence for something that wasn’t even a real fight seems extreme to me, and I have no idea why it behaves like this. I’m just trying to figure it out.
– Infuriatingly Mysterious Silences After Disagreements
It is not possible to make a long-term relationship work with a person who responds to routine conflicts – the kind of disagreements that happen almost daily in any relationship that lasts longer than a weekend – with months of silence. Or rather, a person may be able to make such a relationship work, since you’ve done it for twenty years, IMSAD. What I mean is that you shouldn’t try to make a relationship like this work. You’re wasting a lot of time and emotional energy trying to understand a dude who isn’t hard to understand at all. To frame this situation as if it were a novel with Nancy Drew, IMSAD, one page would be enough. And that would be the title page: “The not at all mysterious case of the guy you keep breaking up with, who’s a dickhead and whose number you should block and delete.”
So stop calling that dickhead, stop looking at the phone and wait for that dickhead to call you, stop fucking with that dickhead when he shows up, stop thinking about fucking that dickhead when he disappears , snouts and / or fucks with someone else. The efforts you’re making to make this relationship work would be much more beneficial if you invested in looking for a guy who isn’t a dickhead and who shares your kinks.
***
My partner and I have been together for six years. We have an excellent relationship, he is very caring and caring, and we survived the pandemic together, which for me means we are very compatible. I’m not far from forty, and I’m starting to realize that if I ever want a baby, time is running out. The problem is that my partner is thirty years older than me. If he had 45 he would be a great father, but it doesn’t seem right to have a child with a man who is almost seventy. He hasn’t had any children from his previous marriage, and this would be his first. Should I give up the man I love to see what else life holds for me, finding someone better suited for a future that will hopefully include a baby? Or do I stay with him, throw myself in and hope everything goes well?
– Tick Tock Bio Clock
Let’s imagine you ditch the old man you love – an old man you could live with another twenty years – to find a younger one. How long would it take, TTBC? One year? Two? Because you don’t just need a man of the age closest to yours. You have to find a guy you like, who wants kids and wants them soon, and then hang out with him long enough to fall in love with him. And then you’ll have to live with that guy long enough to know you won’t stop falling in love with him anytime soon. And if it doesn’t work – if the first guy you pick isn’t the right one – you’ll have to start all over again. And before you know it, TTBC, you will be fifty.
The way I see it, TTBC, you have three probable outcomes to choose from: ending your relationship and finding a new dude who wants kids; starting a new relationship as a single parent if your current partner dies while your child is still young; or starting a new story as a single parent if the relationship with a 30-year-old you barely know, and which you dove into after ditching the 60-year-old you loved, didn’t work out.
In your shoes, TTBC, I would choose the guy I already have – the safe value – over a stranger I haven’t met yet, may never know, or risk regretting knowing.
PS You didn’t tell me if you discussed this with your partner. Does he want a child? It seems to me a rather relevant figure.
(Translation by Federico Ferrone)