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When discussing parenting styles, it’s hard not to mention Cai Meier’s “Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother”. This book defines the term “tiger mother” in the English world. It represents a high-expectation, strict, and even strict parenting method, which is reflected in the requirement for outstanding academic achievement and talent of the child, even regardless of the child’s social and emotional development. This book deepens the impression that “tiger mothers are unique to East Asian culture”. Since then, the American Psychological Association has also published a special issue to unravel the myth that “tiger mother” is equal to the way of raising Asians. Six research papers show that although “tiger-style parenting” exists in East Asian families, it is not the most common and does not lead to the best academic and social skills. In addition to strict and high academic requirements for children, Asian families have many other parenting behaviors, and they are warm, supportive and love children, which are not emphasized in the existing literature.
Let us put aside the debate about whether tiger mothers are unique to East Asia and focus on the characteristics of their parenting methods. According to the 222nd Education Working Document of the OECD, “Why Parenting is Important in the 21st Century”, family parenting fundamentally shapes children’s lives and daily experiences, and is important for their cognitive, academic, and social and emotional development. Influence. At present, in the field of psychology, one of the most influential models classifies parenting methods into four types according to two dimensions. These two dimensions are the strictness of parents’ requirements on their children, and the responsiveness of parents to their children’s needs. Taking these two dimensions as the axis of abscissa and ordinate, the education styles corresponding to the four quadrants divided into them are: authoritative, autocratic, indulgence, and neglect.
The requirements for children are highly strict, but there is a lack of response to their needs. It is not difficult to judge that the parenting method of “tiger mothers” is authoritarian. What are the characteristics of this kind of education? What impact will it have on the child’s development? According to an article by Parenting for Brain, although both authoritative and authoritarian have high demands on children, their impact on children’s development is quite different. Authoritative parents are highly responsive to their children’s needs, making children feel warm, supported, and encouraged to be independent, and the boundaries of the rules set by the parents are clear. Children who grow up under this type of parenting tend to have more self-esteem, better mental health, and better academic and social performance. Autocratic parents have a low response to their children’s needs, making children feel that they are not understood, and the rules set by parents are strict and require unconditional obedience. Such children are more likely to have low self-esteem and mental illness, and their academic and social skills are relatively weak. In the following, the author will discuss the influence of authoritarian parenting methods on children from the psychological level through frequently observed phenomena.
Arbitrary parents, hollow, timid, and rebellious children
Will parents impose their own subjective wishes, plans, decisions, ideas, and even emotional ways on their children? When the child’s attitude towards the same thing is different from that of the parent, will the parent listen to and respect the child’s different ideas, or try to assimilate the child in an aggressive way?
When a child’s opinion is at odds with the parents and expresses them out loud, we often hear this kind of dialogue in our daily lives—Parents: “Are your wings stiff? It’s amazing?” “Listen to me! Don’t think so. The people here are fools and idiots.” The children standing opposite either bowed their heads and did not speak, or rolled their eyes in anger, or their necks were red in anger. If the child is timid, the lesson may end here. When encountering a child who is not convinced, the conversation may continue like this——
Child: “No! What I said is right.”
Parent: “Do you try to talk back again?”
Child: “Why are you right?”
Parent: “Because I am an adult.”
Child: “Why are adults right?”
Parent: “There are not so many whys, adults are right.”
An analytical article from Michigan State University stated that one of the major characteristics of authoritarian parenting methods is that parents’ instructions must be followed and usually not explained; if the child wants to explain, the parents will only say “because I said so!” That is, as mentioned above, unconditional obedience to the rules set by parents. And this way may cause the child to have “hollow heart disease”, that is, because they are used to being arranged and will not make their own choices. A study on the ability and adaptability of adolescents in parenting styles also showed that after investigating 4,100 adolescents aged 14-18, it was found that children who grew up under authoritarian parenting had lower self-concepts compared to other groups. In a case shared by Jody, who has been in the youth education industry for more than ten years, the mother is strong and often instills her own ideas. From the moment the child comes home and enters the door, she says to him “this is not good, that is not good”, but does not explain What is possible and what are the boundaries of the rules. The child said to Jody: “I often feel pessimistic, very eager to be recognized, but I have never been recognized. Now I can’t get enough of learning to make friends. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t bother to know.” Today’s teenagers are often caught The criticism is “hollow heart disease.” Xu Kaiwen, deputy director of Peking University’s Mental Health Education and Counseling Center and Governor-General Island, mentioned in a speech a few years ago that 30.4% of freshmen at Peking University hated learning, while 40.4 % Believes that life is meaningless, just living according to other people’s logic. When we focus on family education, we might as well take a step back and think about whether the rigorous requirements give children enough space to find meaning and presence, understand why they live, and what kind of person they want to be.
The same article from Michigan State University also mentioned that authoritarian parenting styles may also make children lack social skills, timid and shy. Under this kind of parenting method, there are not only strict and framed requirements and absolute obedience, but also punish behaviors that do not meet the requirements, making the child feel scared and ashamed. For example, when children are trying new ways of playing toys, authoritarian parents may not encourage creativity, but stop saying: “If you can’t play like this, things will be broken by you. Why do you keep throwing things and getting rid of things.” Break another toy and be careful I beat you…” Julie Carr, a special education teacher at Parker Charter School, commented: “You don’t have to blame your children for breaking things, it will make them more timid. If children grow up, they will suffer from accidents. In a punishing environment, they will be afraid and think it is not safe to make mistakes.” There is another example, a child Bob who went to junior high school was often punished at home for big and small things, so he developed everything The habit of nodding and bowing to say “I’m sorry” in everything, I am afraid of things. At school, his classmates found him to behave weird and it was difficult for him to make friends. When a child makes a mistake, what can another coping style be like? Julie Carr continued to share: “Breaking fragile objects is part of growth. When learning how to use the body in a space, children often have misjudgments about their size, size, speed and strength. Being clumsy is not their fault. Guide them Feeling remorse, clean up, and understand how to take a different approach next time. This approach is different from shaming them and punishing them. Of course, deliberately breaking things and breaking the rules is another matter.”
Autocratic parenting methods can also make children rebellious. The rebellious protagonist of the American drama “Gilmore Girls” (“Gilmore Girls”) has a mother who wants to control her life. She has a classic line saying: “I can’t tell, I want to do this because I want to, or Because my mother opposes it. Maybe everything that my mother opposes is what I want to do.” Although children may be timid and submissive when they are weak, they are likely to be rebellious and challenge authority when they grow up. French-Chinese Ted said, “When I was a child, I knew that I would listen to my parents, let the teacher like it, take high marks, get a good university, and find a good job. But what kind of life do I want to live? I quit my job as an engineer and came to China to be a French teacher. I love the roar of rock music and I go to the scene every week.” This phenomenon is more common in Chinese families. Many Chinese parents require their children to enter medical schools, law schools, and engineering schools. Even if their children clearly express that they like to work in other industries, they will continue to put pressure on them. In serious cases, the child does not even stop talking to his family after graduation and leaving home. Chinese-American Bruce said: “It’s not that I didn’t try to communicate. He (his father) will not understand me, and will only continue to force me to enter medical school, causing more harm and pain. I no longer speak to him.”
Harsh parents, children who are never good enough
When a child has achieved something, does the parent first affirm what the child has achieved, or point out the imperfections as soon as he comes up? Another characteristic of authoritarian education is harshness. If the child scores 90 points, what the parent sees is not that the child has achieved 90% and affirms his efforts, but instead asks “What about the remaining 10%? Why didn’t you do your best?”
Children who grow up in such an environment can easily feel that no matter what they do is imperfect, they will never be good enough. Sandy, a 28-year-old Sichuan boy, said that since he was a child, he could not make the slightest mistake in major and minor matters, otherwise he would be criticized. This kind of education has continued to affect him today. Every time he does something, from a development project to a small meal, the voice of criticism in his heart follows him all the time: “Is it thoughtful? I can’t do such a small thing? Why is it still not perfect?” Long-term insomnia caused by overthinking. The classic British psychology primer “Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist” explains that the harshness of parents to their children during childhood will accompany their growth. When harshness is gradually internalized into self-blame, people tend to fall into the mental state of blaming themselves no matter what they do, and then feel worthless, low self-worth, and then gradually develop into low self-esteem and even depression. A Brazilian psychology study of 1,198 15-18-year-old teenagers also showed that compared with other parenting methods, children who grew up in autocratic parenting styles scored on “self-esteem” and “self-transcendence” compared with other parenting methods. lowest.
The protagonist of “Mr. Toad Going to the Psychiatrist” is a British child who grew up in an authoritarian family. His father is harsh, high-pressure, and irritable, similar to the “tiger mother”. The book mentions that although children have their own natural state at birth, facing two adults who are stronger than themselves, in order to survive, they need to constantly adapt to the temperament of their parents. Children have to suppress their anger when faced with strong orders, punishments, and harsh reprimands, but they will always find other ways to release them. It may be rash, rebellion, delay in executing orders, or they may constantly criticize themselves and fall into low self-evaluation.
How do we treat parenting methods?
First of all, to answer the opening question, “Tiger Mom” and “Tiger Dad” are not unique to East Asia. The parenting method was first researched by Baumrind, a psychologist at the University of California, and then psychologists in various countries conducted research. Autocratic parenting methods have been investigated in the United States, Cyprus, Turkey, Spain, the Netherlands, Germany and other countries and regions. These studies across different cultures show that children growing up in authoritarian families may have obstacles in emotional management and social skills, and are more likely to be anxious and depressed, and this unhappiness may continue into adulthood.
The trend of popular psychology in recent years has been tired of tracing all psychological problems to the original family. When a person has the above-mentioned psychological condition, we cannot simply and crudely attribute it to the way of upbringing. Even if it can be attributable, it does not mean that the problem can be solved. After all, communicating parenting styles with parents is not easy. Parents may feel sad about raising you with hard work and not knowing the kindness of their parents, and their children are also prone to self-blame and avoid continuing conflicts with their parents. However, this does not mean that the way of education cannot be updated iteratively. Nowadays, more new generations of parents born in the 80s and 90s interact with their children by discussing and listening to their needs, and children are more likely to communicate openly and honestly with their parents and follow the rules voluntarily. Jody shared: “According to the cases I have consulted, the parenting style of a family is not limited to a single quadrant. It is more often mixed. Parents will adopt different approaches to their children in different situations. Educational methods. Each child’s personality and thinking mode are different, and the specific interaction between parents and children varies from person to person. It is recommended that parents learn more about child psychology.”
Suppose that the parenting method is not to persuade children to obey orders, but to ask in a guiding way when setting rules: “What do you think? What do you think?” And inspire children to learn to make decisions by themselves. Will children cultivated in this way be more independent, creative, and socially cooperative? In the process of growing up, children are clear about what they want to do, and can actively think of ways to obtain the corresponding abilities and knowledge to achieve their goals; parents continue to affirm and encourage the children’s progress, and provide corresponding support when the children need it. . Will this way make parents more worry-free and effortless, and let children feel more power to grow independently? As mentioned in the short poem written by Gibran:
“Your child is actually not your child.
They are the children born of life’s desire for itself.
They came to this world with the help of you, but not because of you.
They are by your side, but not exclusive to you.
You can give them love, but it’s not what you think,
Because they have their own ideas.
What you can shelter is their body, but not their soul,
Because their soul belongs to tomorrow, a tomorrow that cannot be reached in their dreams.
You can try to become like them, but don’t let them become like you,
Because life will not retreat, nor will it stay in yesterday. “
(This article only represents the author’s point of view. Bob, Ted, Bruce, and Sandy are aliases. Email address of responsible editor: [email protected])