Charlie Williams for BI
After finding a job in tech and starting a successful coaching business, I became the primary breadwinner.
At the same time, my husband took a pay cut, but we pooled all of our earnings.
My husband said he became jealous of my salary and had to seek therapy.
This is a machine translation of an article from our US colleagues at Business Insider. It was automatically translated and checked by a real editor.
this essay is based on a conversation with Karina F. Daves. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was working as a social worker in a college administration when I decided to start a podcast called “One Day at a Time” in April 2020. The aim was to talk to women about how to share responsibilities fairly in their relationships.
Three years later, the podcast became a successful relationship coaching business. Today, I work full-time as a regional employee experience manager at a tech company, in addition to running my coaching business, producing a podcast, and being a social media influencer – which brings in extra money.
My pay stubs show that I now earn four times more than my husband. This has only been the case in the last few years. So it was a challenge to adapt to the change in our family dynamics.
Being the primary breadwinner affects our relationships
When Terrence and I met, he was working at Nissan as a mechanic, diagnosing and repairing vehicle problems. I worked as a social worker. When we got married eleven years ago, Terrence made more money than me.
About five years after we got married, I told my husband I had a feeling something big was coming. And when that happens, you will have to retire from this industry that you love. It really destroys your body. I explained to him that I dreamed that I would make a big career move and that he would have to quit his job to take care of our two young children.
A few years later, when I had already been working as a social worker for ten years, I finally had the opportunity to switch to the technical field. Within 15 minutes of the interview, the company hired me.
I ran upstairs to my husband and said, “I have the job. What are you going to do now? This is the moment.” We both had goosebumps and he said, “I have to quit.”
We couldn’t take care of the children and both work full-time jobs. By this point I had mostly dropped off and picked up the children from school.
My husband decided the only way he could find a more flexible job was to take a pay cut. This was fine financially because my new salary now covered both of our salaries. He accepted a position at Princeton University in the building services department, where he received half of his salary from his permanent position.
Charlie Williams for BI
Even though I make more money, it belongs to both of us
Since we got married eleven years ago, we have pooled all of our money and made all of our financial decisions together. That hasn’t changed since I became the main breadwinner.
All our money goes into one pot. We take a percentage and put it into savings and then we take another percentage towards bills. If there is anything left over, we call it our “fun money”. All accounts are completely transparent.
We built it all together. I realized that Terrence wouldn’t be where he is if I didn’t support him. And I wouldn’t be where I am if he didn’t support me. That’s why it’s so easy for us to align our values and say, “Yeah, we’ll lump everything together. It’s all ours.”
But Terrence later admitted that he was jealous of me
It wasn’t always easy. A few months after I got the tech job, I was sitting in my office and Terrence came in and said, “I just came to tell you that I need to start therapy again. Something about this transition doesn’t feel right and I don’t think I can talk to you about it.”
A few months later, he had a breakthrough with his therapist. He realized that he was jealous of me and that his jealousy caused him to see us as two individuals and not as a team.
He told me, “Up until that point we were a team, but when you started making more money than me, I kind of saw you in a different room and no longer as a team member. I’m sorry for that. And it’s so hard to even tell you that I was jealous of you.”
Charlie Williams for BI
We learned that communication is key
The communication helped us a lot. We learned that while marriage and relationships are important, we are still individuals with individual desires.
This means we need to ask ourselves how we can support each other in achieving our dreams. Also, I may be the head of the household because my paycheck says I earn more, but for us and our faith, God is the head of the household.
No matter how much money either of us makes, we are still together in this life.
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