“The requests for help to our center have grown by 25-30% since the beginning of the epidemic”, says the head of infantile neuropsychiatry of the Bambino Gesù in Rome. Stefano Vicari publishes today, with distance learning which in Italy involves three out of four children, the last of its many books dedicated to the youngest and their parents: Autonomous children, confident adolescents. Raising our children in mental wellbeing (LSWR Editions, 304 pages, 18 euros).
Cultivating autonomy is not easy even in normal times. Doesn’t staying indoors and following lessons from a PC make the task prohibitive?
“Distance learning creates many problems, because it deprives children and young people of the possibility of being together. In addition, it risks blowing up the good habits of families. Even indoors, it is important to respect the times and rules of normal times. Children and young people must go to bed and wake up at their usual rhythms, maintain personal hygiene and their rooms, play, help the family in the small duties that best suit their age. The organization of time should be kept as regular as possible. We must educate to responsibility and say no when necessary. You can’t always give everything right away. The so-called token economy, where you earn points for every positive action and are rewarded at the end, can be useful for motivating the little ones “.
This always seems appropriate, but what does it have to do with safe adolescence?
“It has to do with three reasons. The first is that autonomy, which is built from an early age, creates security. And this security becomes especially important when adolescence arrives, with its shocks and adversities. The second is that education in responsibility translates, as adolescents, into more balanced and less problematic behaviors. Then there is a third aspect that concerns the ability to recognize and manage emotions, both one’s own and that of others, which begins as children and can protect adolescents from the sometimes overwhelming sensations they experience at that age “.
Emotional education is a topic that is never talked about. What does it mean?
“There are various examples in the book. A child who is playing but must be interrupted because it is time to go home feels an anger that should not be suppressed, but explained. Parents should help him understand how he feels and console him. We can try to offer a remedy, a solution. The important thing is not to give the baby messages such as “stop crying”. The child cries to express an emotion, his feeling should not be repressed but understood and consoled. Nor should a judgmental behavior be adopted that can humiliate him, such as telling him “if you do this you are ridiculous”. Getting used to managing feelings as a child can help adolescents to deal with their waves of sadness and euphoria in balance, to put them in the right context without being overwhelmed “.
What does all this have to do with this particular time?
“In difficult moments of stress, the difficulties emerge more. As long as the sun is out, you can walk around in broken shoes. When the storm comes, the problems are felt more acutely. The pandemic is creating a gap between those who are well and continue to live in a balanced condition despite the difficult times, and those who have a difficulty, and with the pandemic risks sinking even further ”.
Distance learning is often the opposite of autonomy, between teenagers connected by bed and children with parents suggesting next to the screen. What rules are there?
“Suggesting or being too attached to the child is certainly not a good practice. But distance learning has two problems above all. The first is that it does not allow children and young people to be together at an age in which they need to discover themselves through comparison with others. The school is partly the teaching of notions, but it also serves to trigger curiosity and build relationships with others. The little ones could be given time to tell their stories and emotions in the virtual classroom. With the older ones you can try to adopt the method of the upside-down class, in which everyone studies a topic before the lesson, then the knowledge is shared under the guidance of the teacher. We need ways to overcome boredom and increase engagement. Maybe some strategies will prove useful even when you return to class ”.
Respect for the rules also applies to electronic instruments, especially as you spend several hours in front of a screen at school.
“Here parents should be the ones to set a good example. If you decide to sit at the table without cell phones, the rule should also apply to them. The world won’t fall if they don’t reply to a message for lunch or dinner” .
What are the problems you see the most from your hospital observatory?
“Definitely the loneliness. When we talk to many of the hospitalized kids they tell us they feel terribly alone. Teenagers are suspended between the no more and the not yet. In this pandemic time, which is also suspended, young people are struggling to find out who they are, what their passions or hopes are. They risk falling into addiction to electronic tools, retreating to their room or falling prey to social anxiety. Sometimes they resort to self-harm, just to feel something “.
The worst of the epidemic, however, could be behind us. What do you expect for later?
“The noise wave could be long. All in all, a part of adolescents are happy with this situation. Another reacts violently. But there are also those who are locking themselves up in the room, and getting them out again will not be easy. We fear an increase in early school leaving even after Covid “.
What can parents do to avoid this?
“In general, they can offer their children the time and dedication they would give to a lover. Be there with the head and the body. Often we think of our children only in terms of management and organization. Making them independent requires presence. Maria Montessori, it is easier to feed a child, dress and wash him than to teach him to eat, dress and wash himself. Yet autonomy education must be started early. It is something that is built over time, when adolescence arrives. it is often too late ”.
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