They separated in their late 50s. After 40 years of marriage. The number of late separations is increasing. Do you have an explanation for this?
Jutta*: I think many women of my generation originally had the parental pattern in mind. Your own life should be similar to the one you experienced as a child. I grew up in the village and, like my mother, got married at 19. We bought a house and had children. Our marriage was a so-called accrued community. That was common back then.
It almost sounds as if you are now taking a critical view of it.
Jutta: From conversations with younger women, I know that there is nothing disreputable these days about arranging marriages differently financially. You can love each other, have a beautiful, romantic relationship – and still be somewhat independent. I didn’t think about anything like that at the time. I only realized how dependent I ultimately was in midlife.
How did the separation happen?
Jutta: The classic: the children were out of the house. It is sometimes said that women after 40 or 50 lead a completely new life. In our case it was rather the other way around. My husband suddenly started taking care of himself a lot. First of all professionally, my ex is a mechanic by training…
… a career move?
Jutta: Rather a lot of overtime and great commitment. At that time he changed companies; things were no longer running smoothly in the old company. And in the new one he really seemed to want to prove it to himself and the others. But not just there. Ulf has also started again in his private life. He had done endurance sports before, but not with this intensity. I also placed a new focus on more physical exercise in midlife. But in a more gentle way: I do Pilates.
In addition to running, Ulf started riding a racing bike. One of the reasons he justified his new sporting ambition was that he wanted to stay healthy. And it was also true: a lot of people we knew got sick during this time. But was Ulf really primarily concerned with staying fit? I doubt that. Sometimes I had the impression that he was running away from something.
So you’ve grown further and further apart?
Jutta: Yes, and looking back I think that certain little things played a special role. An example: I used to call Ulf sometimes during a working day. Asked him if everything was okay, what he wanted for dinner that evening, things like that. Since he got the new job, that was completely out of the question. He was completely energized, every minute of distraction would have been too much. It’s especially easy to stay in touch when you take a moment to think about apparently unimportant things. Ultimately, I think it was this lack of attention that led to us becoming more and more strangers to each other.
Have you tried to counteract this?
Jutta: Absolutely, for example we started with dancing. Discofox. You might spontaneously think that there is hardly a hobby that allows you to get closer to each other better. In fact, my husband really enjoyed the dancing too. But for another reason, as it soon became clear: he was ambitious and always wanted to get better. For me, however, it was clearly about free time. Of course, I perked up when he suggested taking a course on my own. On the other hand, one reassures: Maybe it would even be good for the relationship if everyone developed a little further for themselves. I think a lot of women feel the same way as me: they keep fooling themselves for a while. In my case, it was mainly conversations with friends that finally made me see things more clearly.
What did your friends advise you after the breakup?
Jutta: I didn’t actually come across anything straight away, I actually realized something myself. It was crazy: whenever I talked to my husband, I thought: Everything is okay. But when talking to friends, what she said sounded wrong. Then I suddenly realized how much my husband and I had been moving in different spheres for a long time and that, if you looked at it honestly, I had been speaking a different language than him for quite a while. I had a key moment during a visit to the doctor.
Did you suffer physically from the situation?
Jutta: Absolutely. I didn’t sleep well and was pretty unstable. The doctor asked: Since when has it been this way that your husband goes his own way? Always, actually, I blurted out. That was the moment when I realized something. My husband lived the way he did. Nothing would change, and that wasn’t the question. The question was rather: Do I want to live this life?
And? Do you want?
Jutta: I wanted to find out. Even when it became clear why my husband was so enthusiastic about dancing: he was having an affair with his dance partner. He had been blocking incoming calls on his cell phone for some time now. That was new. One morning, before the alarm went off, I had a sudden premonition and said it straight to his face: You have something with her? He had a crying fit and sobbed that he didn’t really want any of this. We then sought marriage counseling.
We know the result. But who ultimately caused the separation?
Jutta: From me. The therapist asked my husband about his feelings towards me and towards others. Emotionally he sees himself as 60 percent with the other person and 40 percent with me, he said. And then, in essence, that this is just a snapshot and that life is actually about something else.
Namely?
Jutta: Good question. I actually think my husband would have liked to continue living this kind of life for a while. It was pretty comfortable for him: he got delicious food cooked every day, had a tidy home and also had the whole range when it came to sex: here’s the familiar stuff that helps you fall asleep better after a strenuous day at work. And there is the adventure. To be honest: I think a lot of men dream of something like that.
Did your decision to leave come straight away?
Jutta: No, that was an intense phase over several weeks. What made matters worse was that my husband had a bad accident during this time and had to struggle to learn to walk again. I drove him everywhere. Until death do us part… A promise like that weighs heavily. And there was something else that weighed heavily on me: I simply didn’t know how I was going to make the jump as a clerk with my small salary. When I started looking for apartments, the drama of my situation suddenly became clear to me.
What exactly were you afraid of?
Jutta: Honestly? The fact that I could end up in the supermarket at the end of the month with an empty wallet. And also before that, after deducting the rent and running costs, I wouldn’t be able to afford a car. I don’t think I need to say what that means in rural areas. I wouldn’t have known how to get to work.
Under these circumstances you probably have to say goodbye to a nice apartment?
Jutta: I only looked at properties up to 50 square meters anyway. And you know what: I was shocked at how many bachelor pads there are. Until then, I hadn’t realized what a huge market it was and how the tenants of the properties rotate through. Or rather: the tenants. At the viewing appointments, I mainly met female competitors. woman my age. Women who had become dependent, to put it bluntly.
Did you finally find a place to stay where you felt comfortable?
Jutta: Yes I have. In desperation, I spoke to my parents and asked them if it might be possible to move back into my teenage room. They thought for a moment and then quickly said that they wanted to help me. So after 40 years I went back to exactly where I had lived until shortly before my wedding.
Wasn’t that an oppressive feeling?
Jutta: Surprisingly not at all, the time with mom and dad was wonderful. We ate together like before and often spent the evenings together. Only sometimes it was a little strange when I did something and Mom then said: You could have unsubscribed. All in all, I’m incredibly grateful for the fallback I had. What do women in a similar situation who don’t have a youth room do?
You just talked about a house that you and your husband bought after your wedding. Was it actually out of the question that you would stay there?
Jutta: Not a second. I simply wouldn’t have been able to keep the house on my minimal salary. Over the years, it was always my ex-husband who took care of everything, from heating to electricity meters. That would have completely overwhelmed me.
And a division of the house?
Jutta: None of us thought about that at the time. Not least because the loans were far from being paid off. Again: From today’s perspective, the basis of our coexistence should have been organized differently. What happens in the event of a separation? Something like this has to be clearly regulated. Left pocket, right pocket – that’s how it worked for us. For example, we only had one joint account and everyone took what they needed. Whether it was okay how certain responsibilities were divided was not questioned. The more I think about it, the more clearly I come to the conclusion: it was all pretty naive.
What happened next when you lived with your parents?
Jutta: I stayed for eight months. Not because that was the plan, it could have taken years. I met a man. An incredibly good, fine person. We got along so well right from the start that I actually moved in with him.
From the rain in the eaves?
Jutta: Not at all, I’ve become more aware of many things now. For example, each of us has our own account and when it comes to joint expenses, we both make sure that things are fair without making a fuss. In plain language: Everyone goes shopping sometimes, everyone cooks sometimes. I would say: We both have a pretty good sense of whether the scale is in balance. For me it is, by the way, simply because of the payment for the house with which I ultimately left my marriage to my ex-husband.
This means: If you actually split up again, would you no longer have a problem finding living space?
Jutta: I would assume so, yes. And guess what? Even if it is completely abstract to think about a possible further separation: there is also something liberating in realizing that you are together on a completely voluntary basis. Every day anew. With a person who was worth taking this step, mind you. We spend all our free time together, Rudi and I, and have planted a garden – our great passion. It’s unimaginable that I would have been content with the 40 percent that I was for my ex-husband – as if there wasn’t much more to come in life. What madness when women think like that. From this point of view, I would like to encourage people in similar situations to not only look at what they have and what they are in danger of losing. But also to what may be denied them forever if the first step towards the future is not taken.
*Editor’s name known
More on the topic of separation:
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