Suffering, in particular that linked to the terminal phases of existence, is something that concerns everyone but for which no one feels ready. The most common experience is that of having to take care of others, parents, family or friends, mistakenly believing that they do not have the appropriate tools. At the origin of this false belief, as evidence and palliative care demonstrate, is fear, since we lack experience and have made death and partly also suffering a taboo.
Lack of familiarity
«The preparation for dying concerns first of all our own death, which together with that of our finitude is an idea that we are culturally led to distance from our minds. We cultivate the illusion of eternal youth, we expect medicine to heal everything and, unlike previous eras, we have a less direct and natural experience of death” he explains Sonia Ambroset, clinical psychologist with long experience of support at the end of life and bereavement.
Sonia Ambroset
For this reason, when faced with the end of life of a loved one, «one feels afraid and inadequate even if, in the concrete experience of palliative care, we verify that, if adequately accompanied and supported, everyone has the necessary resources to face this part of the life cycle. ‘existence”.
Compassion
One of these is compassion which, as the Greek etymology indicates, means “to suffer with” and indicates that phenomenon by which we perceive the moods of others and are naturally inclined to alleviate them. This is his being engine to spacious and unconditional action which distinguishes it from empathy. But that’s not the only difference, he explains Sonia Ambroset, who has worked in various areas of the psycho-social-health world, from prisons to hospices and hospitals. «Compassion is that sense of closeness and connection with the living that makes us perceive the suffering even of those who are not directly close to us such as our family members and friends. Compassion makes us feel involved and responsible even for what happens far from us».
Life is change
In facing and accepting death, it would be of great help to understand that «we live in impermanence and that loss is the law of the world” as he said Joan Halifax, American anthropologist and Zen nun, famous for her activity in the field of accompaniment of the dying and the people who assist themIn the his first speech organized in Italy, entitled “In the deep heart of compassion”. Halifax is engaged in the dialogue between Buddhism and the West, but not everyone has the tools to draw inspiration from Buddhist philosophy or tradition which have a lot to say on the topic of becoming. Cultural barriers often prevent us from seeing things as they are: «We have forgotten how to deal with suffering and unpleasant moods and we do not see that life is change.» comments Ambroset. «We have cultivated another way of being in the worldwe feel anger or resentment if something doesn’t go the way we want, as if we had a sense of credit towards existence, while life owes us nothing». Understanding this would be a first step.
Compassion in medical practice
Compassion is often spoken of in reference to the medical profession, to denounce its lack, which undermines the effectiveness of clinical practice and the quality of the doctor-patient relationship, as well as the well-being of both. In fact, it is believed that doctors are also the ones who suffer, as they are unable to provide compassionate care due to organizational conditions: being forced to operate discrepantly with respect to one’s beliefs and values would favor suffering and burn-out. «Burn-out which among palliative care specialists is lower than in other specialties» confirms Ambroset who adds: «Two further reasons, always connected to the theme of human relationships, are the fact that in palliative care you work as a team and we collaborate between colleagues and that the relationships created with patients and their families tend to be authentic and essentialand this is a real privilege that makes service in palliative care an opportunity for mutual growth.”
Being there in suffering
What can we learn from those who are continually exposed to suffering? «We have nothing to teach, our task is to accompany and make a difference closeness and sharing service. Not feeling alone is already fundamental in itself” points out Ambroset, who also highlights other important aspects, such as “the discovery of one’s own resources and ability to stay in pain and in reality, which is often very harsh. Knowing that mourning is an experience that can be lived and that we were capable of it is precious for the future.” Another important aspect is to «start to live your life consciously, because it is not eternal. This awareness can be developed following a loss, but it is a process that takes time.” Finally, everyone has their own ways and times and for some the example and words of others are not enough, but the clash with painful reality is needed. To use the words of the journalist and writer Pico Iyer, in his editorial “The value of suffering” (“The value of suffering ” appeared in the New York Times, “he crashes his car or has a heart attack and suddenly the calamity acts on him like an alarm clock; with an impact that no kinder means can evoke, the suffering tears him apart and pushes him to change his ways.”
A civic duty
There are profound reasons, often personal, why we are approaching the end of life. Whether they are healthcare workers, doctors or volunteers from associations, «each has their own, for me it is a civic duty» says Ambroset. «Moreover, I know well that it is a privilege to do it because it is nourishing work, Being close to the finiteness of life makes us understand its preciousness and this awareness that we obtain from it is a great gift.”
Deep evolutionary roots
The presence of help and rescue behaviors in the animal world confirms the deep evolutionary roots of care, which accompanies us from birth and allows us to survive, having a prolonged childhood age and late reaching the reproductive age (and, compared to other extinct human species, we are not even the slowest). The research has also dispelled the myth that Sapiens are the only living being capable of taking care of injured or sick conspecifics incapable of looking after themselves.
Cultivate gratitude
When it comes to the possession of these abilities, however, there is a great inter-individual variety those who dedicate themselves to others deserve our gratitude, explains Joan Halifax, referring to all those who help suffering people of all kinds, whether they are terminally ill, those in prison, those suffering natural and climatic disasters, those fleeing from war. «People do not leave their home or their country if they are not in conditions of suffering. It’s not chasing a dream, the American dream or the European dream, it is suffering that drives peoplewe must remember this. We must be grateful to those who are socially engaged, who does something to help, who makes their voice heard and demonstrates, who stands next to a patient on their deathbed, who gives support to a person who is under bombs or who arrives on a boat seeking refuge. We all seek refuge. We all have the opportunity to provide that.”
Who benefits
According to what social psychology and neuroscience teach, many people benefit from compassion. Halifax explains: «Whoever receives it and has direct benefit from it; those who observe it and are often encouraged to realize it in their lives; the societies that enhance it and support its implementation in education and institutions, making it an essential element; finally, those who create it, who experience all the benefits, including the physiological effects.”
Read also:
Palliative care: half of the doctors and two thirds of the nurses are missing
Palliative care, a normal existence for incurable children
Photo at Jordan Ling su Unsplash