Learn to love – Image by un-perfect of Pixabay
Learn, keep learning. To the point where you have to learn to love what you already love.
Today is February 27. Year of grace 2024. It will almost be a year since I last picked up my pen. Or at least, that I couldn’t write a text until its very end. My notepad is littered with shreds of text. Texts started but never completed. Pieces of wrecked writings lying on the shore, among the shimmering pebbles. These pebbles, you see, are the vestiges of the sparkle that was my interior, teeming with a breathtaking fauna of ideas and melismas in debauchery.
Why ? Among other things because I can no longer concentrate. My thoughts are like a handful of sand, on a day when the wind sweeps across a plain in impetuous gusts. Sometimes I run after them, trying as best I can to force them back to their den. But they run away from me, snarling their genius. Everything, rather than letting me tame them.
What happened
For a year and a half, I have been in terrible shape. I encountered an illness that nothing destined me to encounter. This superb affliction made me unrecognizable within three months. So changed, that when I look at myself in a mirror, I ask myself, not who I see, but what I see. I don’t identify with the image that reflective surfaces send back to me. Inside me, I know it’s still me. Me, indefinitely dented but resilient. Yet outside, I will pass by me in the street, without a glimmer of recognition illuminating my eyes.
It turns out that my body no longer produces cortisol. It is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands under the guidance of the hormone ACTH (Adrenocorticotropin), itself produced by the pituitary gland located in the brain. You may know it under the name hormones you stress. This designation is often used because it is part of its functions to help the body regulate physical and emotional stress. But not only.
It is involved in many vital functions in the body. Particularly in the regulation of blood sugar, in the functioning of the immune system, in the metabolism of fats, in the maintenance of muscle functions, and in many other functions which I will not dwell on now. Elsewhere, maybe, possibly, if I ever get there.
Clinical state vs biological reality
My body therefore no longer produces cortisol. I am suffering adrenal insufficiency. Biologically, I am in hypocorticism (Or even hypocortisolemia). Morecontrary to what science says (at least from what I know), I developed all the symptoms of excessive cortisol production, therefore hypercortisolism.
Understand that my blood tests say that I am in hypoadrenocorticism. But clinically, I am struck by all the symptoms of hypercortisolemia. Simply put, it means this: my blood claims that I am in the less, where my physique and my psychology claim that I am in the more. This part of the story is mind-blowing from top to bottom.
Until now, none of the doctors, doctors, professors, and endocrinologists who have looked into my case have been able to give me a clear and satisfactory explanation for this disturbing singularity.
Rare & tragic
I have all the symptoms of cushing’s syndrome with one or two exceptions. Both physical and psychological symptoms. We are talking about a rare disease. On the order of 1 to 10 new cases in 1 million per year. I hit the jackpot in more ways than one. Follow the link for more information (remember to scroll through the tabs).
We are a network of nerves and cells that live together. In fact, they are designed to work simultaneously. But, following a tragedy, communication between them is cut off. They find themselves idle and lonely, each trying in their own corner to produce an approximate result.
The only thing to do is to establish medicinal communication between them, while waiting for the Miracle that will put them back in touch. And, since hoping for simplicity is wishful thinking, even this makeshift dressing is not free from complications. Maybe I’ll talk about it.
What resulted
The result of this illness is that I find myself terribly disabled. My body no longer recognizes my right to give it orders. My mind is like a castle that emerges intermittently from the ghostly arms of a thick fog.
I wanted to write a series of posts on the issue. The how, the why, the upheaval, the consequences. I fantasized about sounding the alarm, raising awareness. I wanted to confide to you my feelings, my raw body. My heart disarrayed.
I wanted to express my mind in disarray in an environment where weaknesses relating to the psyche are assimilated at best to a whim, to a whim. Or even an excuse to justify laziness. I wanted to give voice to my upside-down daily life. Saying the glances that are sometimes intrusive, but more often fleeting, and the obvious incomprehension despite the endless explanations.
In the end, I only managed to finalize two tickets. And, rereading them months later, I saw the anger emerging in each line. The causticity pierces through each punctuation. I didn’t realize it at the time. But, now that I step back, these two texts exude hints of dry and dusty feelings. Leaf removal turned out to be even more problematic than expected. I put the links here, and again ici.
A period of transition
Image by Gerd Altmann of Pixabay
In my life there is a avant 2022, and a After. Currently, I am in a period of transition. I’m better. I “de-amplify” very slowly, and the infernal evils also ebb away. A few days ago, I woke up completely lucid. On a scale of 10, I placed myself around 8/8.5, where I was hovering around 0.5/2 out of 10.
That being said, I didn’t realize how much I was in trouble over the last few months. I had not clearly assessed the slump in which my mind was vegetating. I can once again follow my train of thought with some precision. Reason logically. Align more than two thoughts that make sense. I slowly emerge from lethargy and disorientation; apathy and mental confusion; prostration and grayness which were my norm for more than 365 days.
If proof is needed, here I am sculpting letters to make words. Then from these words, sentences that want to have meaning. At least I hope so. Maybe I’m not evolving as quickly as I want. Maybe my mind isn’t really reacting straight away. It is possible that my intellect is subject to more than one glitch when trying to follow the outline of a thought. It is likely that my text does not have the panache of those to which I have previously given birth. Even that it is full of typos that my foggy mind does not allow me to flush out.
But, I write. I write ! You realize ? I write. Obviously, I missed it. To line up words just for the pleasure of losing myself in their silky undulation. I missed it. To let their sweetness caress my mind. And to convince you to mislead your innermost being in my company. I missed you ! And much more, I missed myself.
Learn to love
In the current circumstances, I am reduced to having to learn to love what I already love. This wording may be strange to say the least. But, it sums up my situation pretty well. First and foremost, I need to learn to love writing. Acquire again the desire to dazzle myself. Then, set about wooing you eagerly, with wild outbursts and lyrical flights of fancy.
Then learn to love lire. It’s been a long time since I was able to follow Ariadne’s thread through the twists and turns of the mind of a beautiful writer. At most, I got lost in the antechamber of his thoughts. Reading, one of the many loves I temporarily lost. I am happy to have the grace to be able to let « lire » conquer me once again. Even if it means starting everything from scratch, and going through the trivial step of the legendary: “What is your favorite color?” »
Finally, learn to love Moi who will stand tall after the dust has finally settled (I’m going to love you darling. I promise you.)
PS: If you are reading these lines, it is because I have succeeded in taking a very small first step on the path to learning to love. It took me two weeks. The date at the beginning of the text is used for that. A landmark.
A fierce surge of relief sweeps through me. I got there.
From me in full edification, to you whom I hope to be solidly built, take care of yourself,
Deliverance.