We had loved each other so much, but despite this the relationship has come to the head, and in order not to suffer I erase all traces of you.
The impetuous and defensive need that moves the ranks of the lapidary deletions of the photos of the ex after the end of a love is a gesture halfway between a new fashion and the needs of the heart. In reality, deleting from social media the photos, the shared moments and the memories that once served as the frame and stage for that love does not help to mourn for its end. The emotional and love life of all of us today is closely intertwined, or rather tangled, with our online life. We use Instagram as if it were a family album: we post photos of birthdays, homemade pizza, congresses and travels, successes and even sad moments. And of course we post the photos of the loves.
What happens when the beloved partner becomes an ex?
Once upon a time people would go around the house, take a very large box, lay down the photos, the jewels, the objects that told us about him or her, closed it carefully and put it away in the attic for the moments of nostalgic melancholy. A sort of Pandora’s box to be handled with care.
Now relationships flow on the web: they are born, they evolve, sometimes they die before having seen the light of the sun, always in a chat.
Our digital diary it is born together with our love, sometimes it is born thanks to that love, and when love ends, the destructive impetus to cancel everything with a decisive click takes over common sense and good taste.
– »» Love and friendship between ex, threat or resource?
Deleting the photos of the ex from social networks is a sort of cathartic ritual that recalls the dated return of objects and jewels after the relationship is over. In the new language of the web, not giving more space to that or that photo in your profile means permanently erasing the former love from your heart and memory. But does it really work like that?
The lapidary cancellation turns into a kind of new beginning: year zero of the heart. This eradication of memories does not always work, much less does it help to soothe the pain of the loss suffered.
From immaturity and impulsiveness to symbolism: does erasing memories make us feel better?
The traces of an ex love or an ex boyfriend in the pre-social era could be erased, mystified or hidden with a lot of good taste, especially in cases of new loves on the horizon. Now, between a social network and a state, it is no longer possible to hide the ex-boyfriend to avoid above all that the new one can feel irritated or threatened.
Cancellation, for those who practice it and firmly support it, becomes a respectful gesture to protect the new love.
– »» Is there a right way to say goodbye in love?
Why is it that when a love ends, do you feel the need to make a sort of clean slate of what has been, of what we have been? Why be ashamed and deny the past? After all, we are what we are thanks to our past, thanks to the loves or dislikes we have had, thanks to the wounds of the heart and the subsequent posthumous scarring.
Geneva, for example, she used to delete her ex-boyfriends from her busy account Instagram. Ginevra was twenty years old and had had many, but many loves. She loved, a bit like all her peers, to post every moment of her life on Instagram. Between stories, posts and stories in evidence, his emotional logbook was always up to date and with him his loves. However, her boyfriends could not survive the daily routine and the passing of time, and her relationships were never long-lived. For reasons hidden from her, every three or four months her partners became ex, relationships were sadly wrecked and fell into absolute oblivion. Guinevere, however, was not in the habit of mourning, but used the well-known as well as vain pain-relieving technique of nail drives out nail.
With each new love he erased the old one. When I asked her in the consultation why she had this amorous modus operandi, she replied that she did not do it out of a question of respect for her new boyfriend, who obviously knew about her love past, but it was a strategy to stop thinking. to old love and focus solely on the new. In this way Guinevere not only did not elaborate the mourning of the end of her previous loves, but she persevered in the same mistakes: she continued to choose the wrong, manipulative and narcissistic men, who systematically broke her heart.
Affective sabotage and social media
It will have happened to all of us, in situations of melancholy loneliness, to walk in the gardens of memory, to recall a smell, a taste or an image, to feel less alone or still loved. Memories reach us and give us the courage (or the imprudence) to open the lock of the most suffered past; thus, we find ourselves in a flash in an elsewhere where desires are difficult to separate from shortcomings, and the photos of the ex are transformed into real emotional mines.
Today’s technological lock is represented by the removal of photos, by blocking the former love on Whatsapp and by dangerously pretending that it never existed.
The love etiquette at the time of the web
An important partner who has been a part of our life should not be eliminated, removed, blocked or even erased, unless over time they have turned into a nagging, inappropriate or dangerous suitor. If it is a love relationship that has run out with the passage of time and the spouses have left without too many tears or trauma behind them, it would be good and right to follow the bon-ton of online life.
– »» Being happy for the happiness of the ex, how to experience love in the aftermath?
Blocking or deleting doesn’t help broken hearts forget about it, but it does protect them from the temptation to look back at old photos and relive the old thrills.
On the other hand, there are those who, in the post-abandonment phase, use Instagram or Facebook as if it were the study of a psychotherapist: they confess, publicly write about pains and pains of the heart, as if they wanted to deliver a letter to eternity and to the public. open. Thus, there are those who write on their own bulletin board, and sometimes on that of others, everything the ex has done, said, didn’t do, didn’t say; in order to publicly and irreversibly discredit it.
In the land of the after, when a love ends, the web does not help the slow and tiring healing process of wounds. Photos, likes and news of the ex appear from all sides. Irritative thorns that trigger those perverse mechanisms of obsessive control of the ex’s profile: public thing, who likes it; follows the spying of the states of Whatsapp, of the stories of Instagram, the control of who tags whom, and the torment continues without end.
Some of my patients tell me that they have created fake profiles to be able to freely spy on the ex on social networks: practice, undoubtedly, lethal, as well as illegal.
Continuing to look at what was once the object of desire and is now the person who dispenses pain and suffering, remains the best way to nourish the absence and not to really start living again.
* Valeria Randone is a psychologist, specialist in clinical sexology, in Catania and Milan (www.valeriarandone.it) and author of the book “The repairer of hearts – The words that repair”
Read all the articles in the “LOVE IS NOT JUST LOVE” (click here)
Here are the most recent articles:
– Youthful loves. Those who say “they serve” and those who say “no, they only hurt the heart”
– If sex is a duty, what pleasure is it?
– My dad is gay
– Let’s save the desire. The right to desire
– Is gratitude in love a feeling that ages too soon or is it a strong attitude like a hurricane?
– The sexual and affective predators, the summer and the frailties of the heart
– Tell your partner about your past sexual experiences or not? Hot confessions versus silence
– “We are different”, “I need something else”. Being left with no explanation and how to get out of unanswered questions
– Will it be a summer of all sex? What should we expect after so much abstinence and distancing?
– Fake boyfriend, true love. The app to pretend you have a boyfriend
– Love and financial infidelity. Luigi, adulterer of wallets
– Low-cost adulterous love affairs and Covid. Giulia, who nurtures the marriage of others
– Lies of the heart and toxic loves
– I’m my ex-husband’s lover
– Couple handcuffs themselves so as not to argue, love does not give itself to constraints
– March 8: it is difficult to be a woman today, for the future you need courage and autonomy
– When and why a song becomes the soundtrack of a love (even without Sanremo)
– The “vaccine” for divorce, five (s) points of reflection to avoid it at the time of Covid
– Thus Covid becomes the enemy of love and puts couples in crisis
– Valentine’s Day 2021, battered and hungry
– Fathers who manipulate, fragility of heart and emotional dependence
– No vaccine, no sex
– The enemies of intimacy: pornography and prostitution
– Love under the tree and the Christmas present, how well do you know your partner?
– Sexting and mask: Francesca on webcam for love and desperation for an “almost” boyfriend
– What can marriage learn from infidelity? Love, betrayal and learning
– Love and marriage: that yes that is scary
– Why does a love end? This is how feelings and emotions are erased from our heart
– The balance of love: the need to do the calculations between giving and receiving
– What is the difference between having sex and making love?
– Imprinting of love, as the example of parents can influence the way children love
– “I fell in love with my wife’s sister”. How to choose between love and family?
– The changes in the couple, how to survive and learn to share the successes and failures of the partner
– Love a friend. How to get out of Friendzone?
– Blind love, when for you it is perfect against everyone and everything
– Being happy for the happiness of the ex, how to live the love in the after?
– The routes of love: better safe harbor or experiencing the stormy waves of passion?
– He and I are together, but he doesn’t know it: when love is “imaginary”
– Sex, lies and the web: surrogate loves or exclusive choices?
– Is there a right way to say goodbye in love?