Anyone who has a child under the age of six at home and any social network on their smartphone knows what this means «positive parenting», «gentle discipline» o “gentle education”the most literal translation from English gentle parenting. The profiles of coaches, educators, consultants and trainers who every day churn out advice and theories on how to become “garden parents” are dozens and dozens, with a ready answer – and in eight cases out of ten, even a course – on how to raise their children following the principles of an educational style that the Times he described it as «a sort of open source mélange, interpreted and remixed by mothers all over the country».
It is neither simple nor possible to summarize in a few lines the avalanche of studies, advice and indications that have proliferated in the last ten years between the United States and the Western world on how to avoid any kind of scolding, threat or punishment, but the difference between the educational style chased by Millennial parents and never known by Boomers can be summarized well with a few small examples. The child does not want to leave the playground. What’s now? the parent of the Eighties probably lets out a couple of screams and then moves on to the threat: “I’m going, I’ll leave you here.” For those who follow gentle discipline, the suggested scheme is: lower yourself to his level, look him in the eyes and tell him that you understand him, that you know that he is sorry to have to leave. Don’t shout, don’t punch and above all don’t threaten something that scares him and that you won’t do anyway, because it’s of no use. Still. Don’t say “Put on your shoes right away or you won’t have dessert tonight”, but try with “Which shoes do you want to wear, these or those?”.
Gardener parents VS Carpenter parents
Regardless of the success or otherwise of the chosen technique, we understand what the principles that inspire it are gentle parenting packaged in the United States: listening and respecting the child’s needs, no punishment, but choices and limits and a corollary of strategies and objects. In the words of social media gentle gure, techniques designed to «take care of the potential of children like a flower and cultivate their attitudes and emotional skills with respect and attention» and not to be «carpenter» parents who on the contrary «try to shape their children according to personal expectations and not following children’s wishes and needs.”
In the gentle parenting In short, the parent becomes a model of behavior, he keeps calm and when he can’t, he recognizes his emotion and talks about it with the child. Some in a low voice dismiss the theory as “it’s just common sense, nothing has been discovered”, but there is a more recent and subtle interpretation according to which being a “good mother”, engaged in a constant race to stimulate child or a “good dad” present in every aspect of his children’s lives is an exhausting exercise and in the long run irreconcilable with everyday life. In the United States These intensive parenting styles focus exclusively on the needs of the child they have become increasingly popular since the 1990s.
If by chance you want to find out what type of parent you are, you will find a few hundred tests and related courses online to help you move towards even more effective parenting. But what is the effect of all these theories on parents?
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The researcher: “And then ready-to-wear knowledge, whose scientific value is variable and often poorbut which still generated a significant market”
He explains it well Francesca Nicola, researcher in Anthropology at the Bicocca University of Milan in his book «Supermoms and superdads, The profession of parents between the USA and us». After living with six families of children diagnosed with ADHD in Detroit and New York, tells a glimpse of the daily life of busy mothers and fathers to be not only educators, but also therapists, nutritionists, lawyers and spiritual guides of their children. «In the expression parenting (from the verb, to parent literally “being parents”), the verbal form of the gerund emphasizes the necessarily operational, therefore deliberative, and therefore still responsible, aware and informed aspect of parenting. But it is no coincidence that it is a recent neologism. In fact, there was a time when parenthood didn’t exist but only men and women who acted as fathers and mothers” writes Nicola.
«The idea that being a parent is a job brings with it a corollary: to do it well you have to study. Here then is an army of experts to explain what the “right education” consists of: how to calibrate gratifications and frustrations, rewards and punishments, affectivity and normativeness in the right measure – continues the researcher -. It’s un ready-to-wear knowledge, whose scientific value is variable and often poor, but which has nevertheless generated a significant market: manuals to regulate the child’s sleep, improve his cognitive faculties, manage his appetite, his relationship with food, his temperament and his behavior. Manual literature for the parenting profession is a growing business, fueled by blogs and ad hoc sites.”
Will studying be enough to convince the child to leave the playground without drama? And if it causes drama, is it the fault of the parents who didn’t study enough? What if the drama was to consider the drama of the park a drama? To each his own parentingremembering that not choosing is also a possible choice.