Grief is not a problem to be solved, it is an experience to go through that involves both the body and the mind. It is not necessarily a “bad” or “beautiful” experience: rather it is a “sacred” experience. This is the opinion of the American psychotherapist Megan Devine, specialized in the study of mourning. On this topic you wrote the book: How to welcome what cannot be changed. A diary for mourning (LSWR editions, 2023). A text that works like a workbook, it does not aim to help readers erase the pain of mourning, but to “inhabit” it and, above all, teaches to be kind to oneself. It offers tables, lists and diagrams, as well as the possibility of writing and drawing. There is no “right” reading direction: you can return to topics already covered or skip others.
The rules of survival
We start with simple “survival rules”: tiredness and lack of concentration can be dangerous if you engage in activities that require attention. It is necessary to drink a lot of water, exercise, stay in nature when possible, remember to eat; and above all don’t be afraid to say no or yes to people and opportunities. You don’t have to feel good or even be unhappy forever: the goal is to rebuild your life alongside your loss.
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The sadness
A very frequent problem is the discrepancy between how the bereaved person feels, how they would like to feel and how others see them or would like to see them. For example, we may feel upset and broken and receive constant reminders on how to banish sadness: it may be useful to express these discrepancies with “self-portraits” (drawings, collages, abstract representations) that show us how we feel, how we would like feel and how we have the impression that others see us. You can admit that you feel bad or even that you simply don’t know how you feel.
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Writing
You can write messages of encouragement to yourself in the future and, when you return to read them after some time, find that you have forgotten them and that they have nevertheless had their effect; collect messages from friends, thoughts and quotes to keep in an “emergency box” from which to fish in moments of discouragement; write or draw the things that make us angriest about ourselves, others and the person we have lost, without claiming to always and necessarily have “good feelings”.
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The unexpected gifts
Although this may seem contradictory, according to Dr. Devine, mourning can also bring gifts: this does not mean that it is not painful, or that one should not regret the old life, but in any case the change in one’s life leads to new ones. awareness, like an unwanted guest who reveals something that one would prefer not to know but which unfortunately one cannot pretend not to see.
A new vision of things
You may find that you have developed a new view of things, or that you understand others more deeply; but also of no longer tolerating superficial people or situations or of not wanting to be consoled or participate in social events at all.
Without to forget
There is nothing wrong with any of these moods: they should be accepted as a normal reaction to the pain of loss. Sometimes you fear that time may overshadow this pain and you have the sensation of losing your loved one for the second time. But time doesn’t actually fix anything: it alleviates, not erases, and the loss is assimilated, not overcome. And when it becomes possible to experience a moment of joy again, this will not represent a betrayal for the person who is no longer there: joy is not a threat to love.
Francesco Cro is a psychiatrist at the Mental Health Department of Viterbo
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