An approach based on “gentle” education to say no to reproaches and punishments in managing our children’s anger and tantrums is having great success in raising children. A method which, however, does not have proven long-term scientific value and which makes parents frustrated and inadequate. A more insider approach that presents mums and dads with difficult challenges to face.
INSIGHTS
Stop reproaches and punishments to manage our children’s anger and tantrums. In a world where the education of children was often associated with authoritarian methods or the classic Montessori method, in recent years “gentle discipline”, a psychological approach that subverts traditional educational paradigms, has been gaining great interest. A discipline which, by placing its focus on listening to and respecting the individual, rejects the system of rewards and punishments, proposing apparently innovative alternatives. But what does it really mean to educate your children by applying only the “way” of dialogue and gentleness? Does it really work or does it have any contraindications?
«The approach – explain Claudia Denti and Severino Cirillo, founders of the Informed Parent platform – seems to offer a breath of fresh air but in reality it has significant limitations. First of all, it does not have proven scientific value that works in the long term and risks stressing parents, compromising the quality of education and family relationships. In short, it is an approach that can be good for talented educators, with years of skills and practice in the field: parents, in most cases, are not in this situation and therefore find themselves in difficulty and end up feeling inadequate and incompetent, risking what in technical terms is called burnout, or a syndrome which, linked to stress, exhausts the psycho-physical resources of those who are victims”.
It is therefore a method which, despite offering many advantages, places mums and dads faced with challenges which are often difficult to face: «A merely apparent reading – states Severino Cirillo – can make this type of approach seem permissive and however this is not the case because it needs to establish firm but fair rules, which must be coherent and accompanied by explanations that children can understand. Which is not easy, considering it actively requires parents to put aside and sometimes suppress their emotions in the name of a peaceful conversation that is often not possible. From here some doubts seemed inevitable: how can we educate emotions if we are the first to suppress what we really feel? Furthermore, how do we support these parents when dialogue is lacking or, even worse, doesn’t work?”. The risk therefore is that the parent may experience a strong sense of discomfort, that is, he may not feel up to it and not be able to do some things that gentle discipline requires. «For a family to function harmoniously – underlines Claudia Denti – it is appropriate that all its components are preserved. The approach we are talking about can have the consequence that a disoriented mother and father end up ‘getting sick’, expressing a strong sense of discomfort and frustration.” Therefore, if on the one hand the objective is to raise children in a healthy way, a method of this type can very likely compromise the health of parents with inevitable repercussions on the children too. A further problem on the path to a functional educational method in our era is that, for many parents, refusing “respectful” discipline means supporting violence. This dichotomy is unfortunately very common and is a wrong idea: you can educate without using violence AND without falling into laxity. «The key element – according to the two experts – is to put the figure of the parent back at the center because his educational centrality must be respected and safeguarded. It is no coincidence that for many years now, we have been dealing with the ‘growth’ and ‘development’ of the parent. We want – state Denti and Cirillo – to give children the opportunity to have trained parents who can educate them in a scientific way and make them live happily. Our goal is to combat apparently innovative methods and disciplines that present many pitfalls.”
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