There are no fewer than 508,209 single parents in our country, accounting for 9.9 percent of all households. At least one in six children in Flanders lives with a single parent and that number is only increasing.
On the occasion of Single Parent Day on March 21, shoe chain Bristol, with headquarters in Beringen, conducted a survey among 400 single parents. 67 percent of them indicate that their children become more independent more quickly, and just over half (55 percent) also believe that their children acquire a greater sense of reality. 52 percent teach their children to be more critical in life, and 47 percent teach them to handle money better from an early age.
One-on-one time
“Children in a single-parent family can be parentified to a greater or lesser extent: this means that they want, need or can take on a parental role,” explains psychologist and family therapist Tim Verleyzen. “If they receive sufficient recognition for this, if it is not done under pressure and not to an excessive extent, they develop a number of important and positive qualities and competencies. Otherwise, it can lead to feelings of intense insecurity and very low self-esteem in their adult lives. They will care so much about others that they ignore or consider their own needs and desires less important.”
59 percent of single parents in the study indicate that they experience a closer bond with their child. “You form a team together in the daily tasks, there is more one-on-one time and there are more possibilities. You have to take less account of the other partner, you are more emotionally available for your children and you can focus more on them,” says Verleyzen.
Happiness score: 6.6
But single parenting also brings challenges. The parents in the study give themselves an average happiness score of 6.6 out of 10. One in three indicates that they consider parenthood to be rather difficult, and one in ten even experiences it as very difficult. It is certainly a challenge financially. 58 percent of single parents say they have difficulty making ends meet with the available family income. If that is less than 2,500 euros, three-quarters are dissatisfied with the financial situation.
For almost half of the parents (45 percent), the relationship with their ex-partner is difficult. For one in five it is very difficult. Such a bad relationship has a negative impact on the financial situation and on how easy single parenthood is experienced. “Money becomes a nice thing when you no longer agree,” says budget expert Sarah Zwaenepoel. “Then it is used as a means of pressure or as a threat. Divorce is expensive anyway. They don’t call it a misery tax for nothing.”
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© Karel Hemerijckx
“It’s spicy.” Charlene Willems (33) from Genk does not mince words about what it is like to take care of three children as a single mother. She is self-employed in administrative services. She has been a single parent to Mikko (13), Robyn (11) and Ester (6) for six years. The father of her children is no longer in the picture. “The advantage is that I can make my own choices about my upbringing and that there are no more arguments. On the other hand, I can no longer consult before making a decision. It has its pros and cons.”
“When you’ve worked all day and you come home, you immediately jump into the role of mom: making dinner, cleaning up the house, helping the kids with their homework.”
Charlene Willems
Single mother
Mikko, Robyn and Ester have everything they need, Charlene takes care of that. “Financially it is sometimes difficult, but they have everything they need. When my relationship ended, I decided to obtain my high school diploma through adult education. Afterwards I successfully studied at university and worked as an accountant for a while. Now I am self-employed. I have a better salary and can give more to my children. If all the other kids are wearing Nike shoes, I want to be able to buy them for mine too.”
Me-time
But it is not always easy to combine everything. “When you’ve worked all day and you come home, you immediately jump into the role of mom: making dinner, cleaning up the house, helping the kids with their homework. Fortunately, I get a lot of help from my brother and my mom.”
To find a healthy balance between work, children and free time, Charlene sometimes takes some me-time. “For example, every day after work or after dinner I go for a walk alone for half an hour. Sometimes I take a day off and go to the spa.”
Charlene also goes out with the children. “We mainly do a lot of day trips because an annual summer holiday is not always possible,” says Charlene. “The most popular day trip is an amusement park. For example Bobbejaanland, they always like that. But we also often go to the sea. I like to go to the Ardennes to walk, but the children don’t like that as much.”
“It feels like dads always have to prove themselves more”
Glenn Tits (34) from As has been a single father of two children, aged 4 and 6, since his divorce. Or at least every other week, although it took some time before an agreement was reached about co-parenting. “The dad is still seen as inferior and the mom as the most important figure,” says Glenn. “You always have to prove yourself as a dad and that is frustrating. Especially when there is no reason to doubt my abilities.”
Lawyer Vanessa Vliegen clarifies: “A week-by-week arrangement is laid down in the law. But when the children are still too young, the mother is seen as the primary caregiver. Also because she still has maternity and parental leave. When the children are a bit older, we switch to the week-by-week arrangement.”
Guilt
Glenn does not take co-parenting lightly. “Because I have to miss them half the time, I make an extra effort to be there for them during the week that they stay with me. I am fortunate that I can shift my working days so that I am at home 90 percent of the time when the children are with me. If I have to work, they are taken care of by my mother. I get a lot of help from that.”
Glenn’s social life is also on pause during that week. “Dinners with friends or the like will pass me by that week. The guilt would be too great.”
Trips
Financially it is not easy, Glenn testifies. “We do share the costs for the children, except for things like clothes or toys. Both my ex and my children have their own clothes that we each take care of separately. This way they don’t have to repack their clothes every week.”
It doesn’t stop Glenn from planning fun trips with the three of them. “We regularly go to Efteling and sometimes go away for a weekend. In the summer we always spend a week by the sea.”