Eurozone – Dan Savage – International

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit

We are a happily married European couple who have been reading to you for a long time, both in our thirties and interested in having sex with other people from time to time. Before the pandemic, we were invited to a private party in a large European capital. It was a swingers night where they checked the age and appearance of the participants in advance. For us it was the first time and it was beautiful, a revelation, very exciting even if we didn’t push ourselves to do things with others. But we vowed to come back to learn more. Then, with covid-19, being unable to move anymore, we decided to look in the area. We did amazing threesomes and foursome, and it all went great until a couple attacked us with herpes. Either they didn’t know they had it or they didn’t bother to say it. Here, herpes is not as widespread as in the United States, according to the research I did, and it was a big blow, but once we were informed and treated we decided to continue having sex with others. We tell everyone in advance because it feels right to us. There are those who disappear, who cares, who admits to having it in turn (and in cases like this we wonder if it would have come out even if we had not “confessed” first). We are still enrolled in the online group that organizes that wonderful party, and now, with the various reopening, they are starting to organize the next one. We would love to come back. My question is: can we? It is the case? Should we tell everyone about herpes? Or in an orgy with fifty and more people is it a risk that you accept to take? We are well informed about the ways of transmission and we know that sometimes skin contact is enough. We also know that it is possible to have herpes without realizing it, and therefore other participants may have it without knowing it. What is the right choice? Just give up that orgy for the rest of our days? Take the antiviral on the weekend and fuck as many people as possible without worrying?

– Sincerely Wondering About Post-Pandemic Explicit Disclosures

PS On the question I found an online answer from Dr. Betty Dodson, published in 2009, but I would like to know how you think.

Mmm. From an invitation-only swingers orgy where they first check “age and appearance” (translated: no old * and no ugly *) I would also expect a few questions about the sexual health of potential participants. If the organizers don’t ask you to tell if you have herpes or other sexual-type infections – why do they adopt safe sex protocols that reduce the risk of transmission and / or rightly think that anyone who wants to have sex with fifty strangers in one evening l ‘herpes has it or at least wants to take the risk – I don’t think you have to say that.

But “I don’t think you should” doesn’t mean “I think you shouldn’t”. I think you should say it and keep saying it, SWAPPED and if saying it makes you unsubscribe from the guest list you can easily fuck other people in other great European capitals. I mean, you are already telling couples in your area, and I don’t think you have missed opportunities… not even in the middle of the pandemic. (Those who were not afraid of covid-19 during the pandemic – which is not over – will not have made any big problems even for herpes). Ok, after the revelation some couples have disappeared, but to read you I would say that just as many have not batted an eyelid. And those that have disappeared? There are those who have herpes without knowing it, just like HPV, SWAPPED, because they are both sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) very widespread and easily transmitted with skin contact. Those who want to avoid them must not have sex with multiple partners, or have sex tout court, considering how common they are and, I repeat, how easily they are transmitted. And those who go to orgies – like anyone with a sex life – should have regular STD exams, treat curable ones, and avoid having sex (or going to orgies) if they have symptoms or are still contagious (and everyone can and must get the vaccine against HPV, while for those who have herpes there are drugs that reduce the frequency and intensity of relapses, as well as transmissibility to others).

And if officially I think you have to say it – because like you I think it is right – my unofficial position is that anyone who has sex with fifty strangers in a European capital, large or small, volunteers for herpes.

PS The great Betty Dodson did not send them to say. In the column cited by SWAPPED not only did she advise a couple with herpes not to say it unless requested, but she added that she herself had not told her partner until she had a relapse in the tenth year of the relationship. “I hate that society has turned herpes into an STD,” wrote Dodson. “My first recurrence of genital herpes dates back to the 1970s, a time when not having it was tantamount to not having sex. It was almost a mark of sexual luck ”.

I am a 24 year old French heterosexual (excuse my english). I love my girlfriend very much. We have a deep relationship, we listen and understand each other, we take care of each other. Sex is gorgeous, really. We try many different things and try to satisfy the desires we share and those of the other. Long story short: both her and the relationship are perfect. The only thing is that he wants monogamy, while I want to have sex with 75 percent of the girls I meet. It’s usually not a problem because I’m not very attractive, and those who want to have sex with me don’t abound. But in the four years we’ve been together on a few occasions I’ve had to say no. I kissed another girl once, and the next day I confessed. Now whenever I like someone else I immediately tell my girlfriend. She doesn’t get angry if I find the others attractive, nor if I confess that I flirted a little, but I know she doesn’t like it. Having to choose, I would choose her all my life, but I love flirting. I would also love to find out what sex is like with another woman, having so far only done it with her. But at the same time I don’t want to hurt her, and not being able to control my instincts seems childish to me. How do you get out of such a situation?

– Diligently Escaping Sexual Intercourses, Relentlessly Excited

First, your English is much better than my (nonexistent) French. You have nothing to apologize for.

Second: if you really want to apologize to someone, DESIRE, do it to your girlfriend for how much of a jerk you are. Put differently: BUT KEEP SHUT UP, HOLY GOD. Stop running to her to “confess” every time you make an impure thought about another. Reminding her all the time and for no reason that you want to fuck others is really cruel. He already knows, DESIRE, there is no need to tell him again. So you are not sincere, you are not transparent: you are just an asshole.

Look, it is a relationship, DESIRE, not a meeting of the anonymous reluctant Monogamists: “Hi, my name is Asshole Boyfriend, I have been monogamous for four years and every day is a struggle”. If you don’t want to be monogamous with her, DESIRE, if monogamy is a price you are unwilling to pay, leave her. But if you’re willing to pay for it, DESIRE, then pay for it and CLOSE THAT FUCKING MOUTH. If you don’t know how to shut up, if you can’t keep these thoughts to yourself and / or you can’t find someone else to confide in (a friend? A barber? A fireman?), Sooner or later your girlfriend will understand that she is paying a price too high and it will drop you.

* Age is just a number, sure, but people, individually or as a group, are free to seek out sexual partners in their age group or whichever they prefer, and so says one who would likely be excluded from this specific orgy for reasons of age.

** You don’t need to be attractive in the classic sense to attract sexual partners, and you can be perfectly attractive and repel more of them than you do.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)