Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
You say everyone is entitled to one “space of erotic autonomy“_. I was wondering if you think this “space” is_ extend to paying thousands of dollars to a findom (a person who practices the economic domination). I am a 33 year old heterosexual, I love my husband and we have a great (or so I thought) sex life. He’s very dominant and bossy in bed, I’m very submissive, and I thought we were sexually well matched. It was therefore shocking for more than one reason to come across the evidence of the fact that my husband pays money to a sex professional who calls herself findom. This has been going on for almost three years! From their messages (I have read them all) it is clear that they have never met (she clearly says she never meets submissives in person), but she sends him humiliating videos personalized when, more or less once every two months, he sends her money. They are small amounts, but they accumulate. We’re just fine, so that’s not the problem. And although my husband never complains about how much I spend on a personal trainer, hairdresser or beautician (actually a lot), it goes without saying that his case is different, because with these videos he masturbates. I don’t really want to humiliate him, and obviously I can’t economically dominate him because we are in community of goods__. My husband says he doesn’t want to be humiliated by me, yet he is willing to pay a stranger to shower him with insults?!? I do not understand. I thought we had a great sexual understanding, and also to know him on an erotic level. I am confused and don’t know what to do.
–Feeling Insecure Necessarily, Doubts About Marriage Now
In order of priority: your sex life is great (one would say), your husband clearly loves you (if that’s the only problem), and his dominance in bed is not a sham, FINDAMN, but evidently exerting control. it’s not the only thing that turns him on. Evidently, once in a while, he wants to give up that control. Perhaps to satisfy this need he should have turned to you and did not feel it – for fear of rejection, or of spoiling your d / s dynamic – or perhaps he sensed that you would not have liked to humiliate him and / or be humiliated by you wouldn’t have worked.
Taking a step back: you say that you are “just fine”, FINDAMN, which in super-rich jargon means “we have a lot of money”. And while I am against the fact that a spouse spends significant sums without the knowledge of the other, I will venture to say that you have not missed this money. No missed mortgage payments, no canceled holidays, no children taken from private schools. If your husband had also paid this woman $ 9,999 in the past three years – the highest amount to stay in the “thousands” – they would still make $ 278 a month. I guess the real figure was much lower, FINDAMN, and it didn’t hurt your well-being (but let’s hope Joe Biden’s tax tightening on the rich does!).
As for the apparent contradiction – your husband dominating you and submitting to the other – it’s not that hard to explain. Chances are you’ve never been to a big gay leather / fetish event, FINDAMN, but if you did you would meet dozens of men who are both doms and divers. The guy you might see on a leash on the first night, the second might bring someone on a leash. This is because very few power game fans are 100 percent dominant or submissive; there are those who can tease the submissive side and those who can bring out the dominant side. Kind of like you who, apparently, bring out your husband’s dominant side – much to your pleasure – while the other brings out the submissive side of him. In short, it seems that your husband is both; in his case, FINDAMN, he is mostly dominant but he also loves being submissive. And that he submits to an online findom once in a while doesn’t mean he’s not being sincere when he’s dominating you.
If you don’t feel like humiliating him – if you or he or both prefer to keep fixed roles (common among kinky alternating kinkies) – and your husband is willing to keep the relationship 1) exclusively online, 2) under a certain amount agreed and 3) private (if you don’t like to hear about it) or shared (if you like), I think you should give him this outlet. Again, you have the money, and your husband did not do nonsense, in the sense that he did not give her access to your accounts or include her in his will. It pays her to be dominated and to receive attention once in a while. And if it’s true that what your husband did (basically buying himself some interactive porn) borders on cheating, I have to ask you: have you ever chosen a personal trainer just because he was good? Or a hairdresser because you liked looking at it? Have you ever jumped through hoops to get treated by a very attractive massage therapist? Then think about one of these men – or all three of them together – masturbating or having sex with your husband? If you can identify any space of erotic autonomy that you have carved out for yourself, FINDAMN, it may be easier to allow your husband to continue enjoying the small space of erotic autonomy that he has carved out for himself.
I’m a 27 year old gay man in trouble. I’m dating a spectacular man, a 25-year-old bisexual. He’s smart, funny, outgoing, and has a lot of friends and former fuck buddies. We are very much in love and neither of us had ever experienced certain things. We’ve been together for five months and it couldn’t be better, were it not for my deadly insecurity. Besides having so many friends, he is very attractive, as well as sexually perfect: a top who knows how to use his big cock and has infinite stamina. I am the opposite: I have few friends, I am normal / ugly, I have a medium / small cock, I struggle to have consistent erections and it takes me a couple of minutes to come. I just compare myself to him, who is perfect and can fuck whoever he wants, while I, in comparison, am ugly and sexually inept. This is all killing me.
–I Can’t Be The Right One
Your fiancé, who could theoretically have anyone, chose you. So either you are far more attractive – physically, emotionally and socially – than you recognize yourself, ICBTRO, or your boyfriend gets aroused with the imbalance of power. If so, though, if he used his appearance / pecker to manipulate you, you’d know it. You would suffer, and if the boyfriend used his looks and / or his dick to make you do things you didn’t want to do, or accept things that no one should accept, you would have mentioned it in the letter (if he said things like “You will never leave me because you can’t get any better ”you would have talked about it.) My guess is then that you are much more attractive – physically, emotionally and socially – than you recognize yourself.
Instead of worrying that this relationship may or may not last forever (it generally doesn’t), ICBTRO, try to enjoy the boyfriend you have. Ask your doctor for erectile dysfunction medication, and talk to a psychologist about your low self-esteem, because if there’s one thing that can prematurely end the relationship, it’s your insecurities. Maybe your boyfriend won’t want to be with you forever, ICBTRO, and maybe you won’t want to be with him anymore. But if you want to stay there as long as possible, you need to get insecurities under control. He can’t help you with those. And if you can’t help yourself, ICBTRO, find a psychologist who can.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
.