The choleric boss, the scheming girlfriend or the manipulative partner – we encounter toxic people in every area of life these days. But what if we ourselves are toxic?
Toxic relationships are no longer uncommon. No matter whether it is a partner, a good friend or even a colleague – we are now very quick to judge “toxic”. People who exhibit behavior that has a poisonous effect on those around them can be recognized primarily by the fact that they leave those around them unsettled and exhausted. But it’s not always the others who are the problem; sometimes you yourself are the toxic part of the relationship.
Yes, that might hurt at first. But it’s important to question yourself critically if things aren’t going well in an interpersonal relationship or if you repeatedly clash with other people for no apparent reason. As is often the case, the magic word for this is self-reflection. If you critically question your actions, you may also recognize toxic traits in yourself more quickly. For example, you should become more alert if you observe one or more of the following characteristics in yourself:
Toxic Relationships: Ten Toxic Traits
You think about your own needs above all else. A relationship is always about the needs of both parties. However, if one of the two only thinks about themselves, pursues their own interests without regard to losses and is not really interested in the other’s life, then this creates an imbalance in the relationship. And that is toxic in the long run.
Try insteadto actively respond to the needs of your counterpart and to really listen to them when they communicate to you. This means both parties get their money’s worth – and the relationship can grow.
They are possessive and jealous. Sometimes jealousy is still confused with unbridled, romantic love. The feeling is based primarily on a false sense of entitlement. One claims ownership over the other. A relationship, no matter what form it takes, always consists of two independent and independent people who lead their own lives. Anyone who makes a scene out of jealousy and demands their time can put enormous strain on the relationship and overshadow the beautiful aspects of the relationship through the pressure.
Try insteadto treat your counterpart with gratitude. Love and friendship are gifts that other people can only give us voluntarily – and cannot be taken for granted.
They do everything to maintain harmony. Admittedly, arguments and grief are not nice feelings. But they are part of almost every interpersonal relationship. However, many people tend to suppress their anger rather than talk openly about their feelings with others. The result: At some point the frustration builds up and leads to passive aggression, dismissive behavior and, sooner or later, often to the end of the relationship.
Try insteadto talk openly about your needs, desires and feelings. Nobody can read minds. Only if both parties are willing to work honestly on the relationship can it be an enrichment for everyone involved. Incidentally, this works best in first-person messages, as these do not represent a direct attack on the other party.
You are giving the other person responsibility for your happiness. The idea that we meet someone who makes us completely happy simply by being there is as beautiful as it is unrealistic. And that’s not all: If we suggest to our counterpart that they should please make us happy – then we are giving them an enormous responsibility for our lives. Each of us is solely responsible for our own life – and therefore also for our happiness. Relationships should not be entered into out of a lack, but rather as a kind of bonus. Otherwise, sooner or later we will find ourselves, in the worst case scenario, dependent.
Try insteadTo keep reminding yourself that only you can shape your life and therefore make a significant contribution to whether your life is happy or unhappy. Another person can have an impact on it, no question. But in the end, you always decide what you do with the experiences of the interpersonal relationship.
You only ever see the negative. Be honest: Do you see the world positively, negatively or neutrally? Most of us often have a negative lens through which we view the world. As long as you take off your glasses every now and then, it’s still within the natural range. Because for evolutionary reasons, bad things weigh more than good things. Nevertheless, there are people who really just think everything is pretty stupid. People who simply find fault with everything and everyone. As a result, you can’t really please them. No wonder that this can be a strain on interpersonal relationships, right?
Try insteadto practice gratitude. As many reasons as there may be to complain extensively in the current world situation, there are certainly also reasons to be happy. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just a good conversation, a delicious meal or simply the sunshine. You just have to learn to recognize these little things.
You manipulate others consciously or unconsciously. Narcissists in particular are often said to ruthlessly exploit and manipulate those around them for their own purposes. But manipulation starts much smaller. For example, by consciously saying things in order to achieve a certain effect on the other person or by remaining silent in order to punish the other person. This is toxic behavior as it is written in the book and damages almost every interpersonal relationship in the short or long term because it controls the other party’s behavior.
Instead, try definitely not to be manipulated. Here too, the method of choice is: open communication of your own needs and concerns. If you succeed in this, you no longer need any tricks to fulfill your wishes, because you and your counterpart can find a compromise in which, in the best case, both sides get their money’s worth.
They behave disrespectfully and condescendingly. In order to make themselves look better, some people sometimes resort to disrespectful comments and humiliations. They then put other people down in order to improve themselves. However, this often happens so covertly, in the form of jokes or little teasing, that the other party doesn’t notice it immediately. In the end, this has a poisonous effect on the other party’s self-esteem – and thus poisons the relationship.
Try insteadto treat your counterpart with respect. If you notice that you tend to make disrespectful jokes, critically examine your own motives for making them. Often this is based on your own self-esteem problem. It’s worth starting here – instead of putting others down.
You always want to be in control. Trust is good, control is better. That’s a saying that basically screams “I’m toxic”. Trust is worth its weight in gold, especially in romantic relationships, but also in friendships and within the family and colleagues. If you instead tend to question everything critically and always want to have the last word, your behavior can have a negative influence on the bond.
Instead, try to build a real relationship of trust and to really rely on your counterpart. This may leave you disappointed. But most of the time you are pleasantly surprised when you give other people a leap of faith. It’s worth giving up control sometimes and just getting involved in the moment.
You can’t handle criticism. Nobody is perfect. That’s a fact. That’s why it’s normal to step on the other person’s toes in an interpersonal relationship without intending to. In a healthy relationship, one person can then tell the other and a compromise is found or an apology is made. But there are also people who react allergically to criticism of any kind. They take every criticism, no matter how factual, personally and feel attacked. Instead of responding constructively, they then react defensively or withdraw. Of course, a healthy base looks different.
Try insteadTo see criticism for what it usually is: a communication of your counterpart’s needs. Anyone who hurts others or exceeds boundaries with their behavior should respond when it is pointed out to them. In most cases, the criticism revolves around a specific situation. So it’s rarely really about your own personality, but rather about a mistake. And that happens every time.
You like to portray yourself as a hero or savior. Altruism is a quality that not only helps those around us, but also makes us feel good about ourselves. By helping others, we are also doing something good for ourselves. At first unproblematic. But as soon as someone tries to present themselves as a savior in almost every situation or actively looks for opportunities for alleged heroic deeds, it becomes toxic. In interpersonal relationships, this can manifest itself, for example, in the financially better-off person repeatedly buying things for their partner without asking, in order to then emphasize how generous they are.
Try instead, first find out what this hero status should give you. Low self-esteem is often behind it. Out of the feeling that they are never enough, those affected then want to prove to themselves that they are capable of great things. The thing is, no one is always a hero. We all make mistakes, say stupid things and sometimes behave badly. That’s human. But the good news is: people would much rather be with other people than with superheroes.
I’m toxic – now what?
You realized: “Help, I’m kind of toxic” – now what? First of all: As you can see, there is a solution for each of the behaviors. And no one is born with toxic relationship traits. These often arise from your own hurtful experiences in the past. Often the root of all evil lies in childhood. Because as children we learn how relationships work – or not. If we notice that toxic characteristics are getting in our way and possibly even affecting those around us, then there is one thing we can do above all: work on ourselves and our relationships.
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