In the video above you can see: The five biggest fears in a relationship
It was exciting for the audience at “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” last Monday, and not just because of the quiz questions. Candidate Hilmar Benecke, a couples therapist by profession, also revealed exciting insider information.
First, moderator Günther Jauch wanted to know who is more likely to choose couples therapy – men or women? Benecke, who is also divorced, replied: “The initiative often comes from women. Men need a little more time to think about it.” Men are also more likely to believe that they can solve relationship problems on their own.
According to the expert, the main trigger for marital trouble is “clearly the affair”. There would also be a lack of appreciation from the partner. Jauch asked more questions and wanted to know how an affair was most likely to be discovered. The couples therapist’s answer came promptly: “Now through the cell phone.” It is suspicious if the partner suddenly always carries the cell phone with them. That creates mistrust. And then: “It’s just flashing and I’ve already reached for it.”
One in four cheats – this is not always a reason for separation
In monogamous relationships, an affair is considered a red flag and a major breach of trust. According to a “Playboy” survey from 2021, an affair is not uncommon. Almost every fourth man (23.9 percent) and more than every fourth woman (26 percent) said they cheated. Men were more generous when it came to forgiving – 30.6 percent would turn a blind eye, compared to 25.6 percent for women.
This shows that an affair does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. Each couple can determine relationship rules individually and for themselves. The Munich couple therapist Beatrice Wagner said in an interview with FOCUS online when asked whether an affair was a reason for separation:
There are different types of affairs, says the couples therapist
“Yes and no, because there are different types of affairs. A drunken one-night stand that leaves you momentarily weak isn’t great either. But not necessarily a reason for separation for me. If it was a long-term affair in which the partner was cheated on and lied to, with all these secrets, I would be more concerned about that.”
She emphasized: “In general, affairs are not desirable, you don’t need them, but sometimes they just happen. Also because you may be dissatisfied in your relationship. But instead of solving the problems together with the partner, including arguing, the supposedly easier way to the affair is sought.” She advocates instead dealing with the difficulties and working together on a solution.
Especially if you want to stay in the relationship or save it. Because nothing will change if people look for ways out of an affair. “You should actually say to your partner: ‘I love you, but no matter what I do, you are no longer interested in me. How can we change this?’ And in return, of course, you also have to be genuinely interested in your partner, ask questions, be there and experience something together again.”
Signs of a relationship crisis: The four horsemen of the apocalyptic
In addition to an affair, there are other warning signs that something is going wrong in a relationship and even a separation is imminent, explains couples therapist Wagner. It refers to the “four apocalyptic horsemen of the couple relationship” defined by the American couple psychologist John Gottman:
Criticism: This does not mean criticizing your partner or complaining about something. This is an ad hominem criticism, i.e. an attack on the core of the character.
Example: “You never think about how your behavior affects other people. I don’t think you’re that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think about others! You never think about me!”
Contempt: This is even harder when one person downright degrades the other or feels morally superior. This is shown in very derogatory words, but also in body language such as eye rolling. The partner is insulted, imitated, mocked.
Example: “YOU are tired? I was with the kids all day, running around like crazy and taking care of everything. All you do when you get home is lie on the sofa and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to take care of another child. Could you be any more pathetic?”
Gottman warns: “Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.”
Defensive stance: Protect your own reaction because it is supposedly just the answer to your partner’s bad behavior.
Example: “No, I didn’t call the pediatrician. I was just too busy today. You know how full my schedule is. Why didn’t you just do it?”
Walls: It’s normal to withdraw from time to time in a relationship and need some peace and quiet. What is meant here, however, is that a partner isolates themselves, isolates themselves, acts busy or displays compulsive, distracting behavior.
Example: A problem is raised and the partner responds with “I don’t have time for that,” leaves the room and never speaks about it again.
The Antidotes to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
However, it is not the occurrence of conflicts that determines the success or failure of a relationship, but rather the way in which they are managed. Experts emphasize that relationships can also grow through crises. In a first step, it is therefore essential to recognize the four horsemen; in a second step, you should take countermeasures, emphasizes Gottman.
Gentle nudge instead of criticism: Formulate “I” messages and express positive needs. Example: “I feel completely drained from the long day at work. If you could take the call to the pediatrician, that would help me a lot.”
Appreciation instead of contempt: Create an appreciative atmosphere. Remember your partner’s positive qualities and show gratitude. Example: In all the stress, your partner remembered to do the shopping, but forgot her favorite ice cream. Then it’s better to thank them for the purchase and not complain because something is missing.
Responsibility instead of defensiveness : Accept your partner’s perspective and also offer an apology for your own wrongdoing. Example: “Sorry, I forgot to call there. I should have asked you this morning because I knew how busy my day was. My mistake, I’ll call right away.”
Short break instead of walls: If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, ask for a short break. Take about 20 minutes to do something alone that calms you down, such as reading or going for a walk. Then return to the conversation.
“It could be a dance class or outdoor sex.”
The Munich couple therapist Wagner also has tips for long-term happiness in love: “Always stay a little unmarried or un-in a relationship, so at least act as if. Be appreciative, feel the happiness of having him or her and show it. Maybe even the feeling of always fighting a little for your partner.”
And very specifically: “Don’t just sit on the couch in ratty sweatpants and watch series. It’s better to go out and experience new things together. It could be a dance class or outdoor sex.”
Frequently asked questions on this topic
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