The bond between brothers, indissoluble but not always linear. It can be complicated, especially when the family grows larger and a newborn arrives. Dynamics that also highlights the latest Disney Christmas short film, entitled “The Gift”. The baby of the family, Ella, has to deal with mixed emotions when her mom brings the new arrival home.
She is not alone. It is normal for children, especially under 5 years of age, to experience the arrival of a little brother or sister in a difficult way. Here’s how to prepare them.
Maintain the rituals
“Jealousy is created by the parents’ loss of attention. For this reason, mum and dad must strive to maintain this attention and all the established rituals until the baby arrives – he explains. Teresa Grimaldi Capitello, head of the Clinical Psychology department of the Bambino Gesù pediatric hospital in Rome – The child has an indispensable need: care must feel protected in all circumstances. We try not to put him aside, not to say “He is good and you are not”, not to scold him “.
Don’t make him too responsible
Children under 5, who have not yet developed mechanisms of autonomy, can implement forms of regression, perhaps they ask to be breastfed, put their finger in their mouth, pee on themselves or want to play games in which they have the role of newborn.
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“To a certain extent it is normal, just as it is normal that they sulk, that they are hostile and unavailable – continues Grimaldi Capitello – If the situation is particularly difficult, parents can turn to a psychologist for explanations. Usually regression occurs. when the child is overly responsible. Phrases such as “now you are the big brother you have to behave well” do not make him grow, on the contrary. It should not be made responsible because now there is the little brother, it is done sooner or later, but it is always better to avoid compare with the newborn “.
Make the announcement at the right time
“The key word is change – says the psychologist – and we must prepare it for this. During pregnancy, but only when the belly becomes evident, we need to talk to the baby, explain to him that a little brother or sister will arrive and that he too, before, was in the belly of the mother “. So we make him feel important and equal to the new family member.
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The doll to look after
A few weeks before the arrival of the brother or sister, it is a good idea to buy a doll to give to the child to take care of. Together you can bathe him, breastfeed him, put him to bed “so that he can already adapt to the rhythms and routines with his parents and the newcomer”.
Take him to the hospital
It is also necessary to prepare him for when the mother will have to go to the hospital to give birth. “Obviously it can also happen in the middle of the night, in this case there is no need to wake him up. You could leave him a note to read when he gets up, otherwise greet him with affection and lots of cuddles. the newborn, but also to hug his mother and show him that she is present, that she has not left without him “.
Always involve him
It is necessary to give him an active role, to involve him in all activities as much as possible, advises the expert, but without imposing it. Let him pick up his brother or sister, get help to give him the bottle, to change it, to cradle him, to bathe him. And when the newborn begins to interact explain that this is just the beginning, that soon he will be able to play with him. Even before arrival, the boy or girl can play a role in the preparation, for example in the choice of the name, of the clothes, of any bedroom.
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Gifts? Yes and no
“Giving him a gift at the birth of the other might seem like a compensatory act – explains Grimaldi Capitello – It is not the right message. The child is more interested in the quality of the relationship with the parents, a gift cannot compensate for any change in attention and affection. . On the other hand, when relatives and friends come to visit the new one, it is good that they also bring a little thought to their older brother or sister, who would otherwise feel excluded “.
bibliotherapy
In the 0-5 year range, bibliotherapy is highly recommended. “Reading a book to the eldest child, after the baby arrives, is a fundamental form of care. You have to carve out some time during the day and dedicate yourself to him or her. It is an intimate moment that makes you feel the older child “. And the game? The spontaneous one is better than the structured one, the doctor advises, because it is precisely during the playful externalizations of the child that we can pick up the signals on how he really lives this new experience.
If the discomfort is unmanageable
Rarely, the relationship between the two brothers becomes extremely conflictual, the great can demonstrate aggression, excessiveness and unmanageable malaise.
“In these cases, a deeper discomfort of the child can be hidden – concludes the psychologist – It could be linked to behavioral and attention disorders, which then reveal themselves later, or there could be a problematic relationship between the child and parents, which does not they looked after appropriately as a child. I repeat, these are rare cases, but they must be brought to the attention of a psychologist. “