Sometimes the problem isn’t that your mother doesn’t like your boyfriend, but that you still haven’t figured out if you like him. You often wonder if there is a right way and time to end up in bed with someone, when in reality only one move is enough: the first. And maybe you have a friend who is too vain, and you don’t know if it bothers you because you are not a superficial person or because you are a very envious person. Welcome to 54th episode of B1NARY: the mail of the heart that awaits the spring of the senses while always living in the winter of discontent.
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As long as it works
I’ve been dating a guy my mom can’t stand for months. She says he’s rude, that he’s not trustworthy, that she doesn’t like him but I know he seems like that to others but he’s not like that to me. How do I make him understand?
Val
Dear Val,
the presence of parents in a relationship (even in general, but oh well) can actually be suffocating and the saying “mother is always right” certainly doesn’t help them maintain a shred of humility.
But this question has two different answers. This because we are missing a fundamental fact: knowing who is right. And it is difficult to evaluate this without knowing the situation thoroughly.
Let’s assume you’re right.
Your boyfriend may simply have a tendency to act tough in public, to demonstrate that he is more of a man than others (but if he is your age, “man”, allow us, it is still a big word), to be seen as a bit grumpy because that’s how he thinks he will be respected or admired in your circle of friends.
We could therefore hypothesize at this point that he no longer needs to be like this with you, that he feels calmer with you and doesn’t have to prove anything.
We would therefore understand your point of view and advise you to ignore your mum knowing that it is a phase and at some point – hopefully – he will become a little more mature.
We also throw in a classic: de gustibus non disputandum. In short, tastes cannot be discussed. It’s not like you and your mom have to like the same guys.
Now let’s imagine that your mother is right.
She might not like him because he has behaviors that we cannot define as “girlish”, which are not the result of his young age but which in an overall objective way could make your mother think that he is not really a reliable guy.
In this case we couldn’t do anything else ask yourself if you have assessed your boyfriend’s behavior well. Trying to put the heart eyes aside. And perhaps asking someone else for advice to be able to evaluate the situation properly.
But regardless of judgment and reason, the only valid metric remains your ease and satisfaction. As an old Woody Allen film said: as long as it works. Regardless of anyone’s opinion.
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Timer
Hello lads,
I would like your opinion: what is the maximum time to decide to have sex with someone you date?
I’ve been dating someone for three weeks but it hasn’t happened yet. I would like to but he never seems to make the first move and I don’t know whether to wait or if he’s not interested in that sense.
Help!
Dear Anna,
It amazes us every time that it is only and exclusively straight women who ask themselves this dilemma. The timing of whether or not to give it is something that unfortunately still today is placed in the measurement metrics relating to being perceived as a slut – which perhaps more than anything else reveals the censorious, bigoted and patriarchal imprint of our times.
The profound truth is that It takes us a few seconds to decide whether to sleep with someone or not.
SECONDS.
Not minutes, not hours, not years.
We tend to look at other human beings and think “yes, I would do this to myself”.
From that moment on, however, a lot of things can happen.
For example, you hear him/her speak and think “no, I was joking. I wouldn’t even touch him/her with someone else’s hands.”
Or fears and feelings could come into play.
Fear of not being up to par.
Fear of ruining everything.
Afraid it will be a fiasco.
What we can deduce is that, if you continue to see each other, there will certainly be mutual interest, otherwise it is assumed that one of the two would have backed out.
What to do?
First of all nothing stops you from making the first move. This thing according to which the task of coming forward is up to him is ancient and wrong. It takes courage on both sides.
Secondly we can talk about it. If you have doubts you can address the topic and understand if there is something holding it back. And then maybe find out that he had been under the impression that you didn’t want him and therefore he didn’t want to force you. Which is a classic.
In short: be the one to make the first move if you feel ready and you’ll see that everything will be fine!
A problem only for others
In your opinion, how do I tell my best friend that he is too vain and even less would be fine?
K
Car* K,
How does your friend’s vanity bother you? What would you like to change? And why would he ever change?
EBeing vain is only a problem for others – and among all the defects, we would say it is one of the least serious. We are all vain, in one way or another, and for our vanity we choose extremely different fields of application: there are those who do it with appearance, those with words, those with humour, there are those who express the greatest vanity by deciding not to demonstrate it at all.
Assuming your best friend is actually that vain, what does it matter? If he has become the “best” there will be many reasons, focus on those that bind you to him rather than those you despise.
The situation changes if you see elements in him that are truly exaggerated. There a psychologist should come into play and evaluate whether or not there are margins for considering his behavior pathological. If so, all you can do is give him advice and hope he follows it.
If this is not the case, let him look happily in the mirror, pleasing himself – and lucky him, we might add.
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