Although most people have a good relationship with their mother, “mother” is among the most common topics in the therapist’s office. Especially among women.
What makes the mother-daughter dynamic often more difficult to handle?
“Mom let me figure things out on my own.”
Emilie Lervik, 24 years old
“I felt a responsibility to adapt so that my mother would be fine. Be unproblematic and don’t take up space.”
Dora Thorhallsdottir, 51 years
“Mum sometimes brings out the worst version of me”
Marie Natten, 38 years old
“You become a bit allergic to each other”
Taking over as boss in a company is a challenging task. It becomes even more difficult when mum is the boss.
– When people have asked me whether I should take over Langedrag, I guess I haven’t been able to say yes completely, he says Marie Natten.
The family business is facing a generational change, and the growing pains are obvious.
– But my heart has known that it belonged here. This is where I was going, she continues.
Marie grew up here at Fjellgården, which her grandparents started in the 1970s.
Growing up at Langedrag was characterized by audiences, hours on horseback, wild animals and a mother who was “always” at work.
Soon it will be her turn to take over the family business.
But first she must manage to convince her mother that she is ready.
There is a kind of tug of war going on. The relationship between mother and daughter permeates everyday life in the nature park at Langedrag.
– I want us to move from being the entrepreneurial company where bare she has steel control, to become a more professionally run business, says Marie.
They have zeal, energy and a steadfast impact in common – but Marie is her mother’s less loud counterpart.
– It is not always so easy to be heard, and it takes time to bring about changes, she continues.
In a nature park with many different animals and visitors, there is always something that turns up.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
Outside, heavy snowflakes lay like a blanket over the nature park.
Tuva Thorson jogs between shoveling snow from the stairs on the farm and giving instructions to the others at work. This was not what she was really supposed to do, but Tuva rarely skips a pending work assignment.
Superfix and prime mover. Long-distance manager and mamma.
Tuva Thorson sees herself in her daughter Marie Natten.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås
Tuva is used to keeping everything on her own and getting what she wants. It’s hard to let go.
– We are very similar, Marie and I, says Tuva.
She always dreamed of being able to share the park, nature and animals with her children.
– But it is also challenging, the similarities that we have. The power, the desire and the will, she reasons.
The snow plowing comes to an abrupt end.
Giving up the chief position will be a big transition for Tuva Thorson, who is used to keeping a bit of everything at Langedrag.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
– Hello, where are you?
She talks to Marie on the phone. The phone log shows at least one handful of calls between mother and daughter – every single day.
– Have you eaten?
The daughter is 38 years old. But a mom never stops being a mom.
– Becoming a mother is the strongest love I have ever known, says Tuva.
– But you also get lifelong worry.
The children are our children all their lives, even when they have grown up, she continues.
Even if you mean well, good intentions can easily get lost in the dynamic between mothers and daughters.
Marie thinks it’s such a typical mother and daughter thing.
– You want to give warmth, but then it has a slightly opposite effect because you have become somewhat allergic to each other in a way.
The coming generational change will leave its mark on the everyday working life of both mother and daughter.
– Mum sometimes brings out the worst version of me, it’s not always possible to be who you want to be in front of your mother, says Marie.
They are entering a new phase between them. Both in the workplace and outside of work as mother and daughter. They have to figure out how much space to give the other person, and how much space to take themselves.
– I have had to be a bit clear and tough, put my foot down a bit, says Marie.
Marie Natten is ready to take over the family business, and wants to make some changes.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
Statistics Norway fant i 2009 ut that over five percent of women who have grown up with both parents state that they have a bad relationship with their mother. The figure for men was much lower.
Parents consistently reported an experience of a much better relationship than children did.
Psychologist Sissel Gran has said; “A river flows through all therapy rooms, and that river is called mother”.
The therapists at the EQ Institute in Oslo experience the same thing as Gran.
– We are experiencing that there are more and more women, aged 35 and over, where motherhood is a very big topic, says Herdis Palsdottir.
Therapist Herdis Palsdottir has a lot of experience with bad relationships between mother and daughter.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
Palsdottir is a therapist and founder of the EQ Institute. Together with his daughter, Dora Thorhallsdottir.
The institute was founded after they repaired their mother-daughter relationship.
Herdis Palsdottir herself experienced the realization that she had not been a good enough mother.
The strained relationship she had had with her own mother while growing up in Iceland influenced the kind of mother Herdis was to her own daughters.
She apologized to her daughters, and spent time grieving.
Herdis believes that all parents should say sorry to their children.
She has come to terms with what has been done and said.
Today, she has a good relationship with her daughters.
– How can others love me, when my mother can’t?
Although the relationship is good today, daughter Dora Thorhallsdottir says that she struggled to take up space because of the relationship with her mother.
– As a child and young adult, I felt a responsibility to adapt so that my mother was well. Be unproblematic and don’t take up space.
According to therapist Dora Thorhallsdottir, the unconditional love from a mother is crucial for how one feels in close relationships later in life.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås
Thorhallsdottir says that the subject matter is often particularly tough to work with.
– What is so painful about dealing with that particular topic is that you have to tell adult daughters that the dream of a relationship with mom where she says sorry and accepts who you are…
She takes a deep breath before continuing;
– You can keep hoping, but it’s not likely. For a relationship to improve, both must be interested in doing the work, says Thorhallsdottir.
The reason why the relationship between mother and daughter is more vulnerable is complex. The therapists believe that part of it is due to the fact that we as a society make more demands on daughters and mothers than we do on fathers and sons.
Dora Thorhallsdottir herself had a difficult relationship with her own mother.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
– The fact that many people have a strained relationship with their mother is also about the fact that when your first love does not recognize or accept you, and constantly criticizes you, it creates an insecurity in us, says Thorhallsdottir.
In their work, they meet many women who live with the consequences of not feeling the closeness and security of their mother.
– In fact; How can others put up with me, when my mother can’t put up with me? That’s why that relationship becomes so incredibly crucial for the rest of your life, she continues.
Thorhallsdottir compares it to a kind of heartbreak.
There are many daughters here who have sought help to mend their relationship with their mother.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
She also believes that many mothers fall into a pitfall, believing that “the more I interfere and say what I mean, the more I show that I care”.
Freedom to fail
– Mum let me figure things out on my own, says Emilie Lervik.
She and her mother Regine Kim Lervik have always gotten along well. As good a match as a mother and daughter can be. Maybe even a little better.
Emilie managed to live in the capital for a year, before she longed to go home to her mother Regine.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
– Do you know which track you are going on?
Emilie is at work in a padel center in Fredrikstad. She works there six days a week. And mum Regine Kim Lervik has let herself be fooled. She has started playing padel, so that they can see each other a bit during the weekdays.
– Unlike many others who did not want to take their mother with them everywhere, I almost begged her to join in on things.
– And mum, she always showed up, smiles Emilie.
For Emilie Lervik, the padel center is a second home, especially when mum comes by.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
For Emilie Lervik, the padel center is a second home, especially when mum comes by.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
– But of course you have to swallow a few camels. That is probably the secret, she says.
Mamma Regine has both a son and a daughter, and notices herself that the relationship is a little different. Regine is adopted, and experienced that her parents gave her space and confidence to figure things out.
Mum has always been a great source of security for Emilie Lervik.
Photo: Private
Mum has always been a great source of security for Emilie Lervik.
Photo: Private
– I think mothers see a little bit of themselves in their daughters, and don’t want them to make the same mistake you have made yourself. It’s easier to blend in and say something, I think, she says.
It has been important to her that Emilie and her brother should also have the space and confidence to try themselves out and figure things out for themselves.
– Everyone needs a mother. Someone who sees you, looks after you, and is there for you no matter what you do, says Emilie.
The only thing she values more than the romp to find herself – is that mum is close by if things go really badly.
– And if it’s not your mother; then it’s really just a matter of finding other people in life who can provide that security. It must not be the one who gave birth to you, she continues.
Through you I become me
– It is close and very real. It certainly is, says Marie Natten.
For over two years, she and her mother Tuva Thorson have given NRK access to the family and business in Langedrag. The result was the TV series «New blood», a relatively unvarnished and honest portrait of the relationship between Tuva and Marie.
During the filming, they really found themselves at the intersection of new and old blood.
– You meet yourself at the door, notes Marie.
Marie believes that this is part of being a mother and daughter; that it should be a little difficult.
Photo: Lykke Frida Synnøve Høyås / NRK
– Mum has many strong and beautiful sides that I know I’m lucky to have had some of, says the daughter.
They are sitting at the kitchen table in what was once Tuva’s parents’ apartment.
– But the fact that I have realized that I am so similar to my mother has also made it possible for me to see her weaker sides. Use her as a mirror. When I find something I don’t want to take with me, I can work on it then and there, she exclaims.
The afternoon sun warms gently through the window.
– You are wise, Marie, says Tuva.
Then it’s quiet for a little while, but not in an uncomfortable way.
The sounds of Langedrag hum softly in the background.
– The passage of generations, says Tuva softly.
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