You sometimes feel guilty for not breastfeeding, for not cooking good meals for your children, for working, for taking a little time for yourself… Me, yes. And I think most of us do. Becoming a parent is often synonymous with pressure, uncertainty and questioning. Every decision we make comes with a hint of guilt. But by the way, why do we feel so guilty? And above all, how can we fight it? In this article, I want to share my personal experience and give you some tips on how to combat this maternal guilt. So follow me.
How to get rid of maternal guilt and find a balance?
Accept our imperfection and define our own vision of motherhood
Before diving into the subject, I think it’s important to recognize that every parenting journey is unique. We all do our best with our own resources and circumstances. Maternal guilt is that pervasive feeling that assails us when we become parents. And, I want to reassure you by telling you that you are not alone in this feeling and we can very well learn to manage it. It’s true, it never really goes away. But from the moment we listen to our child and share good times together, it diminishes.
First, it is important to recognize that the perfect mom does not exist. The main thing is to accept that you are an imperfect mother and that you cannot always be available. If we manage to create our own image of the good mother, a mother who looks like us, with our personal values, our aptitudes and our realities. We will be less destabilized by the expectations of others. The goal is to do our best and at our own pace for our well-being as well as that of our children. If our child is emotionally secure, flourishing, opening up to the world, eating and resting properly, then it’s good.
Identify our needs, avoid comparison and surround ourselves with support
There are no miracle solutions to stop feeling guilty. Nevertheless, we can start by identifying our needs as well as our values to avoid feeling guilty and frustrated. For example, if we feel the need to return to work and it is important to us, it is essential to understand that this does not make us bad mothers. To alleviate the guilt, we can find appropriate solutions to reconcile work and family life. This may include arranging flexible hours, having family support, or finding trusted childcare providers. It is also essential to recognize that this can be beneficial for us, but also for our children. Our child must learn absence, expectation and reunion for his development. If our child is happy even when we are not around and is fine with all situations in life, we will not feel like we are abandoning him.
To end the guilt, it is also crucial to stop comparing ourselves to other mothers, because each situation is unique. Each of us has our own journey, our own resources and different circumstances. Comparing our experience to that of others only fuels guilt and dissatisfaction. So it is best to focus on our own path and make decisions based on our needs and those of our family.
To overcome guilt, it is beneficial to surround yourself with a caring person who does not judge us, does not give us intrusive advice and who reassures us. This can be friends, family members or support groups. With them, we can share our concerns and receive positive encouragement and advice. The benevolent entourage can help us put our mistakes into perspective and strengthen our confidence as parents.
Manage maternal guilt by taking care of yourself and strengthening communication
Let’s not forget to take care of ourselves, to give ourselves moments of relaxation and well-being. And above all, don’t feel guilty for taking time for our own needs. A fulfilled mother is better able to take care of her children, isn’t she?
Sometimes I feel guilty when I raise my voice with my daughters. Especially when they disturb me in the middle of work to show me their drawings. However, I have learned that it is important to own up to my mistakes and explain and apologize to them afterwards. This approach is often liberating, as it helps to dissipate tensions and restore communication. I find that when I take the time to explain myself and acknowledge my mistakes, it also reassures my children. They understand that even adults can make mistakes. And it strengthens the communication, the family bond and the trust between us.
In our role as parents, it is natural to make mistakes from time to time. However, it is crucial to develop a practice of self-compassion to deal with these mistakes and the guilt that may arise from them. When we catch ourselves feeling guilty for a decision we’ve made or a reaction we’ve had towards our children, let’s remind ourselves that no one is perfect.
Motherhood is a constant learning journey. It’s normal to make mistakes along the way. Instead of blaming and judging us harshly. Let’s remember that we are doing our best and that we are not bad mothers. But just parents who are learning and growing in your parenting role.
How come moms feel guilty for everything?
Maternal guilt is feeling guilty, anticipating the judgment of our peers and blaming oneself. Although fathers generally feel less of this feeling, sometimes there remains a real emotional burden that seems to weigh heavily on the shoulders of mothers.
This maternal guilt stems from social pressures, family pressure and models of education conveyed by the media.
Maternal Guilt: A Result of Social Pressures and Unrealistic Expectations of Mothers
Society often places inordinate expectations of mothers. They are driven to always be in a good mood, available, workable and never to lose patience. And these social norms can create feelings of guilt when a mother thinks she is not meeting these unrealistic expectations. While at the same time fathers can usually be present on a more intermittent basis. However, it is important to recognize that each individual is unique. Some mothers may feel less guilty than others. While some fathers may also experience feelings of guilt related to parenthood.
The influence of images of “perfect” mothers in the media
We are constantly bombarded with images of “perfect” mothers in the media, women who seem to easily juggle their careers, motherhood and a healthy lifestyle. And these unachievable ideals can seem overwhelming and sometimes make us feel like we’re never up to it. Some moms may feel guilty for not achieving these images of “perfect” moms, which can lead to lower self-confidence and increased guilt.
The maternal bond and the intense responsibility towards our children
Maternal guilt is a deep-rooted feeling that stems from the natural bond that binds us to our children. From the physical bond established during pregnancy until birth, an invisible connection persists. This connection imposes on us the myth that our child depends mainly on us for their happiness and fulfillment. It’s a huge responsibility that we face on a daily basis, and it can occasionally lead to overwhelming guilt.
External pressures and unattainable ideals
Sometimes we also put immense pressure on ourselves by projecting our own ideas of what a good mother should be. The behavior of our own mothers, people around us like this neighbor who preferred to devote herself to her children rather than pursuing her professional life. Or, stars who maintain their careers while taking care of their families only accentuate ideals. As moms, we aspire to be perfect. But we realize that we can’t be, which ends up hurting us.
Maternal guilt often causes moms to blame themselves for imaginary faults, based on their own rules and ideals. They convince themselves that they are not doing enough for their children, even though in reality they are giving all they can. This tendency to self-criticize and doubt our actions can be extremely exhausting and detrimental to our emotional well-being. Comparison and self-doubt can lead to feelings of guilt. This occurs when one perceives other mothers to be more competent or more accomplished.
Maternal guilt happens in our head and it’s the way we interpret things. Ultimately, it is essential to free ourselves from maternal guilt and to understand that we are the best mother for our child despite our imperfections. Let us also recognize our limitations and act with love and concern for the well-being of our children. So let’s shed the guilt and embrace our role as mothers with confidence, because we are precisely what our children need.