When we address someone we are used to asking “how are you?”, but more often than not this phrase leads to cold and detached answers. Here’s what to say to show real interest in others
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As children in most cases we were taught to be educated in everyday situations.
In addition to saying “please,” “thank you,” and “nice to meet you,” we’ve been told to always ask someone how they’re doing, right after or as part of an initial greeting: “Hi, how are you?”
But is it really so? Finally, say “How are you?” it’s just a formality, because in most cases people don’t actually ask about the other person’s well-being, nor do they expect an answer.
So, to really know how a person is doing and how they are doing in life, at work, or in another scenario, try asking them one of these questions.
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Ask these questions instead of “How are you?”
We assume that the key to contentment is to create and maintain deep and meaningful relationships.
Developing this type of relationship requires commitment, conversations with people that go beyond small talk.
How to build this kind of relationship? Start by asking other questions instead of the usual “How are you?”, in order to elicit a more genuine and truthful response:
- “How are you, really?”
- “How are you now?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “If you were completely honest with me, how would you describe your feelings lately?”
- “What makes you feel good and what makes you feel sad?”
- “What word would you use to describe your life right now?”
- “Last we spoke, you were dealing with [problema X]. How has she been lately?”
- “What question would you like someone to ask you right now?
Remember that the person you’re talking to might want to say something but don’t know how to approach the subject.
When you ask them to choose their question, you’re giving them space to talk about what’s really going on in their life.
Once they’ve shared the question they’d like to hear, your only job is to repeat it and then give them your full attention.
When asking these questions, remember that you are giving someone a new way to understand what they are going through and what is wrong with them happening in life.
The problem with “How are you?” is that it encourages short answers and ends in themselves: “I’m fine” or simply “I’m fine, thank you!”
But that’s not how humans live life. We have more than one feeling at a time. We evaluate situations from different perspectives, and see what is positive and what is challenging at the same time.
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