The loss of a loved one generates a void inside and around. The perceived emptiness due to the absence is amplified in the places lived together, there the emotions hover and the memories of the shared time emerge. In a school, the desk left empty following the death of a student represents a very difficult element for the class to manage.
We reflected on it following the road accident in which some young people died; and in the days following the suicide of the student of the Iulm University of Milan.
Teachers often find themselves in difficulty, both with the questions of the little ones and with the pain of the older ones, which adds up to their own. What to say or not to say? How? And again, what is the role of the school and that of adults outside the family?
Faced with such a traumatic event, words fail, we wonder about the gestures to take and what to do: death catches us unprepared. To facilitate a positive evolutionary path, it is important to be able to express, share and process the emotional trauma that follows.
Dragonflies in the heart is a project fully supported by the Maurizio Fragiacomo Foundation, which takes care of the mourning of students, parents and teachers, intervening in the schools of Milan and its hinterland to offer professional, dedicated and attentive support, in the right and necessary times for adaptation to the loss.
“If you live traumatic experiences such as the death of a friend, it becomes more necessary to say, tell, formulate thoughts, give space to emotions”, he observes Laura Bottari, psychologist and psychotherapist of Dragonflies in the heart. «The first days, the first words spoken, what one succeeds and fails to share, remain long in the memory. We need silent gestures and words that touch the heart and mind and a time for pain”.
«When schools contact Libellule nel cuore following these dramatic events, we promptly plan meetings with teachers to understand together the nature of the discomfort and to finalize the intervention in the classroom with the students, knowing how important it is to intervene in the acute phase which lasts about three months.”
«Children and young people in mourning need adults who get involved, who stand beside them, in the suffering of the questions, even if they don’t have all the answers. Adults who testify that it is possible to go through that pain, without resorting to reassuring answers, such as: “it will pass, think of something else, do something to distract you», he observes again Laura Bottari. “They especially need to feel understood in their emotional confusion. Where kids can’t find words, it’s adults who can find them for them: silences are often dense because maybe everyone is missing someone who is no longer there.
In the school, the adults of reference are the teachers. «It is precisely to them that we direct a first look of care, creating a protected space in which they feel listened to and welcomed. An experience that they can then put back in the classroom with their own pupils». Parents are also involved according to the age of the students. The work in class is modulated according to the cases, in several meetings. “That is why it is important to offer spaces for sharing and elaboration in the shortest possible time and to support not only young people and children but also teachers, so that they can accompany the students’ mourning process with awareness”, adds Bottari.
As one high school girl relates following a friend’s suicide:
“From the beginning it seemed that the attitude of the adults was centered on closing the matter as quickly as possible and it was only vaguely talked about. After a very short time, it was no longer even possible to mention the subject and we immediately returned to the small world of school and to making everything revolve around tests and grades. I kept wondering how they could think that after something like this I could actually believe that the most important thing in my life was a question, a note or a grade on my report card. From the beginning they kept repeating to us that neither they nor we were at fault, and that we should have gone ahead for the good of all, especially our school career. Honestly, it’s a behavior that confused me a lot, because I wondered how my companions and people in general managed to “function normally” after all that had happened”.
«Today’s support of young people requires a wider dimension of listening since they use social networks and talk about themselves even with images and messages: the screen makes it easier but at the same time it favors hiding and the simplification of experiences», he clarifies Paola Zucca, psychologist and psychotherapist of Dragonflies in the heart. «We believe that it is an ethical, educational and social duty for adults to talk about difficult events with children, to name their bereavements and losses, to be with them in pain and uncertainty, because we know that words and gestures make the difference, they facilitate sharing and allow the elaboration of experiences. When the pain is too great “to be thought about”, one can resort to an affective and emotional anesthesia: in order not to feel pain, one feels nothing».
How to ask for help
Dragonflies in the heart started in 2018 a specific method of support for mourning in the school environment. The goal was to define its own methodological approach and a protocol to be promoted among the Services offered, to support teachers and children, opening a dialogue on death while respecting the time needed to adapt to the loss. Whether it happens after an illness or due to violent causes, various “insiders” in the field, whether they are teachers, psychologists, social workers and educators, as well as facing and containing their own pain, find themselves interacting with children and families who have to go through a mourning. In particular, the death of a student or member of the school community can be a traumatic event for both staff and pupils.
In aperture, photo of Dev Asanngbam by Unsplash