DEPRESSION, school dropout, substance abuse: the consequences of refusing to come out in the family, for LGBT + teenagers (acronym for Lesbian, gay, transsexual, transgender with the + that gives the sense of continuation), can go as far as suicide . But homophobia also has negative health effects for parents. “They close and their pain becomes depression, anxiety,” he says Paola Biondi, psychologist, psychotherapist and co-founder of HONOR – Trans Health Center e Gender Variant, an association that deals with the rights and health of transgender people and is part of the Equal Opportunities Commission of the Order of Psychologists. “They are no longer able to sleep, they are constantly thinking about what they have discovered or known, about how this could have happened, about their responsibilities and alleged faults”, explains Biondi, who for years has been helping LGBT + parents and children to overcome prejudices. unnecessary.
When a daughter or a son comes out, the parents turn to the psychologist to understand if it is only a “transitional phase” in his life: what does this reaction show?
“Families find it very difficult to accept sons and daughters different from their expectations. Even today cultural, religious, social or specific family history factors tend to standardize and standardize genders and sexuality, considering as valid only gender identities that conform to the sex assigned to the birth (cisgender) and heterosexual orientation. Even if on a theoretical level parents have an open mind and are ‘tolerant’ towards these realities, when it concerns their sons or daughters their perception changes completely. To think that, as an adolescent, homosexuality or transsexuality is only a passing phase calms them and allows them to experience this revelation with less anguish. In adolescence it is natural to experience one’s sexuality and affectivity, but sexual behavior is one thing, sexual orientation or sexual orientation is another. their gender identity: it is not about episodes, exploration, indecision or rituals passing’. Even bisexuality, for example, is a stable orientation and only in some cases is it a transitory phase towards the acceptance of one’s homosexuality “.
When it comes to homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexuality, there are those who still use expressions like “sexual choices”, ‘inclination’, ‘tendency’, ‘taste’. What does the scientific literature teach about it?
“The scientific literature never uses these terms but uses ‘sexual orientation’ and ‘gender identity’. Considering homosexuality and transsexualism minority phenomena that deviate from a statistical norm, the literature has investigated possible factors that could influence them. Several theories are different hypotheses have been explored, but without reaching a single conclusion. It is surprising that the curiosity about possible causes has stopped only on this type of orientation and gender identity, not on heterosexuality and cisgenderism. Yet, even the latter fall within the same identical categories “.
Straight or bisexual: there is no single gender identity for boys
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One thing that is not always clear in the media is whether homosexual, bisexual or transsexual is born or “made”. What does science tell us?
“Many theories have been explored over the years: intense stress (Ward and Weisz), the gay gene – Xq28 (Hamer, Bailey, Sanders), the immune reaction HY (Blanchard), the maintenance of female fertility (Ciani), epigenetic factor (Baltimore). And this only remaining in the biological field. As regards the psychological or psychiatric field, Westphal’s theory of sexual inversion or Lombroso’s facial features is famous, but also Freud’s hypothesis of bisexuality which is he has always refused to ‘convert’ gay people and has already stated in his time that homosexuality cannot be classified as a disease. Let’s say that the imagination of researchers has largely covered all expectations, although – as for heterosexuality and cisgenderism – there is no evidence that these aspects are congenital or that they can be acquired over time. You are simply gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, cisgender, trans “.
What are the difficulties that parents who discover homosexuality or transsexuality of their children still face today?
“Some react with ferocious anger and verbal violence, rarely physical. Others withdraw and their pain becomes depression, anxiety. They can no longer sleep, they constantly think about what they have discovered or learned, how it was possible that this happened, to their responsibilities and faults. It is common for parents to think that they were the cause and this throws them into deep suffering. Because they think that being homosexual or trans is something wrong, sinful, negative and at the same time having contributed to the creation of this reality with their behavior, with their way of educating. They enter a loop of recurring and persistent thoughts to try to understand how this could have happened to them. Sometimes they attribute the responsibility to factors external: some friend / a too libertine / a, the one who goes on TV, the school that opens to seminars in which we talk about these things, some books found who knows where , the internet which is absolute evil, even the fantasy of sexual abuse by strangers. None of this can affect a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. ”
How then can they overcome these misunderstandings?
“Parents have the right to be heard and understood, to have a personal space in which they can feel free to say even things that could hurt, to explore their doubts and difficulties, to go deep into their pain. And to be helped to understand that there is nothing wrong with having a homosexual or trans son or daughter. They must be helped to dismantle their prejudices and stereotypes, their fears, often based only on hearsay or baseless fantasies. It is useful for them to understand how important it is for their son or daughter to have their full support and support, their total and unconditional acceptance. Because they can be the first allies for the battles they will have to fight in a world that does not recognize them, does not consider them valid. their lives and identities, does not consider their needs or protect their rights “.
Among the youngest, there are those who think of coming out only when they are independent from an economic point of view: is there a “right” time to declare themselves in the family?
“In the work I do with people who are planning their coming out, the specific family situation is often explored together. It is useful to analyze and keep in mind what are the resources and obstacles, which people can support this process, what possible reactions and ways out. The economic factor is fundamental in all this: because – although it is extremely tiring and harmful to have to hide – coming out can have quite heavy effects. Imagine having come out to the family and being deprived of cell phones, internet, to be deprived of the freedom to leave the house, to hang out with friends. But above all, to be forced to still live in that rejecting and violent context “.
Which of the two possibilities is the best?
“Coming out, especially in the family, is a process. Sometimes slow, made up of clues left almost by chance, of phrases thrown there on the table, of comments while watching TV. Of alliances with other relatives who can intercede in the case there is a need for a network of friends that can also and above all support our doubts, for infinite reformulations of the discourse we would like to make “.
There are those who still fear to disappoint the expectations of their parents. Some think, “They will never accept it”, or “My father may have a heart attack.” How is it to be said?
“Each person experiences coming out in a different way. And there are different families in which people are born and grow up. The fears are more than legitimate: we often find ourselves stuck in an ambivalent relationship, sometimes there are also emotional blackmails. And many people avoid being themselves for fear of hurting their parents or for fear of losing their affection, their closeness.
Each person has the sacrosanct right to choose if and when to come out and to whom. Every day, because there is not a single coming out in life. Sometimes you are faced with a crossroads, perhaps one of the most difficult in your life: do I choose myself and demand a love that makes me free and true or do I choose other people who want to love me only if I pretend to be someone else? “
How does the family’s refusal to accept their sexual orientation or gender identity affect children?
“The international scientific literature on this agrees in highlighting the harmful impact of negative reactions from significant people such as parents to the coming out of a son or daughter. The negative consequences of parental rejection reactions range from depression to substance abuse up to, in some extreme cases, suicide. Conversely, a supportive, positive and supportive family fosters a positive psychological health condition resulting in low levels of internalized sexual stigma, depression and suicidal idealization and a high level of social support and self-esteem. Parental rejection, especially at the moment of coming out, is a strong negative event that can affect all aspects of adolescent life and it is essential to understand what this reaction is due to and how to support the whole family in the process of readjustment after sharing this aspect “.
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