Interpersonal communication
Five Love Languages: How we show affection to others
The way we show affection to friends, family members or partners is often decided in our childhood.
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One loves summer, another loves autumn: we all have different preferences and needs. And just as differently we show our fellow human beings our affection. A look at the linguistics of love.
“One cannot not communicate,” the Austrian psychotherapist and communication scientist Paul Watzlawick once said. We notice how much truth there is in these words at the latest when misunderstandings occur in interpersonal relationships. We feel rejected by the girlfriend who forgot our birthday, unloved by the father who doesn’t have enough time for us because of work or doubt our partnership because we don’t get enough compliments.
We draw all sorts of conclusions from the way other people behave towards us. However, especially when interacting with other people, we must not forget that we look at the world through our individual filters. And especially when it comes to affection, we don’t always speak the same language as the other person. While one person may need to hear how much they mean to someone particularly often, the other expresses their appreciation more through gifts or touch.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The American psychologist and relationship expert Gary Chapman took a close look at our communication styles in interpersonal connections back in the 1990s. The result is the five love languages. Everyone has at least one of them, but most of us live out two or three of them in contact with our loved ones:
- recognition
“I’m proud of you” or “Nice that you exist” – these and similar sentences work like balm for the soul for people who speak this “Love Language”. They need compliments, praise and recognition to feel valued and loved by those around them – and are happy to give the same back in abundance. - Gifts
Small gifts and souvenirs are part of everyday life here. It doesn’t matter how expensive the gifts are. Rather, it is about showing the other person with small gifts that you are thinking of them and making them happy. Those who like to give gifts are usually happy if you bring them something back from vacation or if you simply have your favorite sweets in your luggage. - willingness to help
Unsolicited help is the top priority for the “Caring Lovers”. They recognize when help is needed and support those around them with everything they have to give. However, there is potential for conflict if the people around you are not quite as attentive and do not return the favor with help. Then it can happen that doubts about the connection arise. - togetherness
Time together as the top priority – that is the premise of this love language. For those who speak them, the most important thing is the time spent together. What you experience during this time is secondary. But: The attention during the time together should be fully focused on the interpersonal encounter. So daddling on the smartphone in between is less well received, intensive conversations with a lot of eye contact all the more. - tenderness
People with this “Love Language” need physical affection above all. In romantic relationships, they draw a great deal from stroking, kissing, sex and extensive cuddling. But also in friendships and in the family context, they like to hug their loved ones and enjoy the physical closeness to their fellow human beings. If you want to show them affection, the best way to do it is with a firm hug.
Why we should know our “mother tongue of love”.
So the language of love is our way of showing our affection and appreciation to other people. And even if our “mother tongue of love” has been with us since childhood, it is possible to learn the other languages at least partially. Because: If our fellow human beings speak a different “love language”, misunderstandings can quickly arise in the interpersonal network of relationships.
In order to be able to respond to our counterpart, it is extremely important to know his or her language(s) of love. It is at least as important to know our own in order to be able to communicate our needs clearly. At the end of the day, each of us has an individual mix of love languages that we need to find out in order to really get closer to each other. This applies to friendships, family members and partners alike.
The Rules of Nonviolent Communication
The concept of non-violent communication, for example, offers an opportunity for an open and appreciative dialogue to communicate one’s own needs. The US psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg has thus established four elementary rules for value-free and constructive communication.
Accordingly, it is important to first communicate one’s own perception, without judgment and interpretation. The next step is to communicate the feelings that the situation triggered in you. This is then followed by the need that arises from or underlies the feeling. Finally, you can formulate a clear request to the interlocutor.
Such a conversation gives both parties the opportunity to communicate without reproach – and to respond to the needs of the other. In the end, that’s what it comes down to for a healthy interpersonal bond. This can also work if both parties speak different languages of love.
Those: Book: The Five Love Languages